Feeling You Feeling Me

I feel it when you've got your mind on me, your thoughts are magnified to infinity. I feel the intensity of your energy traversing the distance between us along our own wavelengths. How can we be apart when our souls are constantly interconnected, tethered together? I feel you feeling me. You inhale my exhaled breaths and your eyes close as mine blink open. Our words mesh and mingle like the most seasoned couple in a dance contest, splicing our thoughts together like some mad scientist. We are the topic of every conversation in the center of an ocean of people, yet it's just you and I on the sea floor. Our magnetic stares disintegrate every grain of sand in the hourglass and we lose all track of the time passing by like lighting strikes. Our love is more durable than the wrought iron that holds up the Eiffel Tower. Your smile is brighter than the hail of a meteor shower. I feel you feeling me without having ever caressed my skin. Your fingertips dance along the window sill, teasing my desire. Never have I ever wanted for anyone more than I do you. Yet, you find ways to fill me like a torrential rain on desert terrain. It's unimaginable to think what we have to look forward to. One day we will share billions of kisses, more than all of the glistening stars that litter the night sky. No matter how hard you try to stifle the fire, I will feel you feeling me, fanning the flames beneath the smoke signals from your brain. You reach for me but don't feel a thing and in the same motion touch my mind, my heart, my every part. I can no longer guard my heart. You've stormed my inner city and knocked down all of my walls. My defenses were no match for your arsenal of pure intentions. I love the way you love me and I will forevermore feel you, feeling me. 

I love you Mi Burris. 
Always, 
Your Hallupeno    

Lighting in a Bottle

her heart was not safe in the thunderstorm of her thoughts. danger lurked in the form of heavy clouds ready to pour all of her emotions out. the drops of rain are heavy like her heart. the lighting splits her in two like the trunk of an aged tree stump. all she can do is shield her head from the rain as it turns to hail. she tells herself the welts will eventually heal. she's all black and blue while she waits the storm out. she's more alone now than she ever was. no one ever comes to her rescue because she's too far gone. she's a danger to herself and full of electric volts, ready to shock who ever she might touch. she dwells in the pain. the thunder doesn't shake her anymore. it's a welcome sound. she feels the vibrations on the ground. the lighting strikes her down, again and again, yet there she stands. enduring the pain. the storm within her soul never ceases to remind her of all she's been through. the rain finally stops and the sun is out but her tears flood the ground anyhow and the heavy clouds follow her around. she'll never escape the eye of the system because she is the storm. 

Time to Move

I can't get a tight enough grip. Just when I think my foothold is sturdy I slip. Life is one helluva trip. It's a wonder how we put up with it. All of the ups and downs and knock me to the grounds. Every time I get up someone knocks me out. Lights out! I can't catch my breath long enough to get my balance. It's like running a race I'll never finish. When does it end? All I see around me all the time is sin. Sin in the world. Sin in my friends. Sin in my soul. Sin in my kids. Jesus please come, make it all end. Everyone I know is suffering. It's painful to watch everyone you love hurt so much. I pray for us but when I wake up it seems to only get worse. What is my calling, my purpose? Someone is dying. Someone is sick. Someone is crying. Someone is calling for help. People are hungry. People are mad. People are desperate. It's all bad. The drugs. The crime. The death. The bloodshed. The filth that we live in is disgusting. Those who do good and follow your word are far outnumbered. Tell me what I can do to help? Show me the best route? Time is running out. I've lost too many loved ones, too many friends. With each passing day, someone's life ends. My days are numbered and falling like petals of a flower. The minutes are counting down on the clock by the hour. As much as I'd like to think I'm in control, I know you have total power. Lord take the reigns of our lives and bring us to a halt. You hold each one of my teardrops in your hands like grains of salt. I wish I could crawl up into your lap, snuggle close to your neck, close my eyes, and take a nap. There has to be a better way Jesus. I'm pleading for you to show us the way. When reading the bible, going to church, praying every day, fellowship, and loving everyone no longer works. Where do we turn? Most days I just want to give up. I love you but is it enough? I'm not doing anything to make things change. I don't think I'm big enough to stop the hate. My voice alone makes no difference on the other side of the World. I can't save those I love the most. I don't even know where to start. I want to share what's on my heart but I'm afraid I don't know how. I want to be able to overcome sin but it's all around. I feel helpless Jesus, I need you now.  

Dearest Words

I miss you like the best friend who moved away. I still think about you every single day. I feel like we hardly speak anymore. I haven't heard from you in a while. How have you been? It makes me sad that we're not as close as we once were. It's like I don't seek you any longer and you no longer seek me. What happened to us Love? When did we grow apart? I've always thought of you as my first true love. You're an integral part of my heart. If my life were a pie, you'd be the warm, delicious, gooey filling inside. Some days I feel like I need you to survive. I get so lonely without you around. The love we share is profound. I guess I just assumed what we have is different. You've been there for me when every one else couldn't. You've always been able to cheer me up, pull me out of the funk. I love you so much. I don't think you understand. You were always there to pick me up, take me by the hand. You've always allowed me to express myself better than I ever knew I could. You taught me to be honest with how I truly feel and sometimes that's a hard thing to do. You gave me confidence to stand for I what I believe. You were a catalyst that inspired me. You showed me real trust. I guess I just miss us. We'd spend hours together, some days from dawn until dusk. I can talk to you better than anyone else. You let me be my true self without any judgement. You've always been consistent. When I needed you, you were always there to listen. Because of you, I was able to get through the toughest times of my life. Like when I got pregnant at 17. All of the countless times I dealt with him cheating. The night Daddy ended up leaving. Suicidal thoughts and notes. Growing up too fast. Facing the past. Even when I probably deserved it, you never turned your back. You've been with me through it all and experienced every bad decision by my side. You've never taken me for granted. You never expected anything in return. You were the aloe vera when I'd get burned. You always waited patiently for your turn. You never retaliated when I'd strike. You provided me a mirror when I needed to reflect. You handed me binoculars when I needed to look ahead. You were the tunnel I could travel through when I wanted to revisit the past. I love you, my dearest words. Please come back.  

The Truth...

I'm not good enough for you.
I don't think I'll ever be.
My cracks still leak.
My wounds still bleed.
My bruises you can still see.
My eyes still cry tears you can't dry.
I'm battered.
I'm shattered.
I'm torn and tattered.
I'm dingy and old.
I'm used up.
I'm cold.
I'm rigid.
I'm hard.
My heart and my head are falling apart.
I don't want to be a project you can't fix.
I'm still hurt from pain you didn't inflict.
What good am I to you if I can't heal fully from it?
I tried to tell you this from the beginning.
I don't want to commit with only half of my heart.
It's not fair to you.
You deserve better.
You deserve a fresh start.
I'm not going to pretend to be someone I'm not.
Who I am, you won't want.
I'm not perfect.
I'm raw.
I curse.
I'm loud.
I'm rough around the edges.
I have a smart mouth.
I have more moods than you could count.
I'm not the best mother.
I'm not the best role model.
I'm not the best daughter.
I didn't have the best role model.
A part of me died when I lost my Father.
I'm not the greatest friend which is why mine are few and far between.
I can be ugly.
I can be cruel.
I can be very mean.
I'm petty.
I still pout and whine.
I can be be pretty childish at times.
Sometimes I even misplace my own mind.
Sometimes I just want to be left to my own devices.
How could you love someone with so many vices?
Why would you want to put up with this?
There are billions of better women out there.
Ones you won't need to fix.
Ones who don't need to heal.
I'm not even that pretty to be fair.
I don't know what you see.
I don't know why or how you love me.
I can't understand why you want me.
I know you deserve someone much better than all of this.
I'm afraid you've created this person in your mind.
This woman that is not me in the least bit.
Someone pure and Godly.
Someone meant just for you.
A woman who is on the same level as you in your spiritual journeys.
What if you decide I'm not her?
In time, all of this will be exposed.
What if you decide you don't want me anymore?
What happens when you realize you can do so much better?
What will I do when my greatest fear comes true?
I'm going to lose you.
I'm not good enough for you.
I know I will never be.
I don't deserve you.
That's the truth.