On the Bench

Im not too sure where this will end up, I knew it should begin but I can't help to feel like I've been saying the same things over and over again. I have a valid point of view or maybe even a few I can share. I guess I'd have to get going if I'm ever going to make any of them clear. It's a Friday night and I'm at home. I'm not all alone but I still feel alone. Even if I had somewhere to go I couldn't find anyone I'd want to go with. If I had found someone to go somewhere with chances are they would have wanted to have been somewhere else with someone else than who they came with. I find myself always coming in second place even when I'm confident that I'm going to win. I guess that's the script when you're 26 with 5 kids. Who the hell is asking? I'm not really sure. I do know this that I've been putting in the work, I've studied and practiced and have mastered skills that I can beat the master with. Yet I'm the one left standing outside because I was trying to be nice and stood there holding the door open for all you assholes that looked right over my head and didn't even say a thing. A simple "Thanks" or nod your head, give me a wink. No I didn't get one fucking blink. Now I'm the only one without a seat?? But since I like to laugh at defeat I pick up my heavy feet and step inside anyway as the door closes behind me. Now I'm just standing there in front of all you guys and people have the nerve to come up to me and say "Oh, I don't know how you do it?" and it is the same reaction I always get, accompanied by the long stares and unjust judgements. In some cases I'd rather just get a drink thrown in my face because at least I'd know they weren't trying to save face. I mean face it, it's what you'd really all rather do. Right? Well f*ck my life that was the vibe I got. I guess I'm more socially awkward than I thought. It's even funnier when I meet a man for the first time and everything is fine until I open up my aresenal and my '5BOMB' hits because then he splits like the horizon of a sunrise; so quick. It happens everytime. Some of them let me down easily with some miserable excuse that is more transparent than a clear glass tube but usually they just slowly retreat and disappear like fluid smoke in the air. I guess the challenge IS more rewarding than the win. I hate referring to love and relationships as a game but a game is what it is. She sees him, he sees her. He likes her and she likes him. But they both end up pretending to be somebody else in the end, mess up what probably could have been and are forced to start all over again with a new her or him. What happened to confidence in knowing you are the best and came prepared for the win? Sounds like a game to me. There are usually two or more players, someone has the spotlight and someone else is always trying to take the top spot, become MVP, it's back and forth, it usually become a physical sport and in the end someone will win and someone will probably get hurt. Let's be honest, nobody likes to lose but in the end it's not the win that a player gains the most from it's the points they've earned during their run. My Gold metal has been collecting dust because the last game I played I lost so bad that I've given up on ever being a gold metalist ever again. I am tired of playing to win. Winning is not always about some metal sitting on a mantel collecting dust or some trophy on the shelf. I've retired my belt so someone else can have a try in winning that fight. For me, winning is knowing you played fair, gave your all and did your best. The memory will not be of who won but how they made it through to the end. When it comes to comparing games and relationships and someone loses and the other wins, it ends. In the event of a tie, then you've met your match, a friend to always be there to play catch with. Another player that is on your level. Someone who likes to play but is not interested in keeping score. Someone who will play with you through to the end but would rather lose just to see you win so they could challenge you again. Someone who wants to see you do good, grow and get better. Someone to help you up that ladder or be there to catch you in case you fall. A real partner, a friend, a companion, a lover; another. Someone else other than yourself. So, the next time I stop to hold the damn door open for you, a simple "Thank you!" will do. Play on playas! Hate on Hatas!

Don't Judge a Book by it's Cover..

"Don't Judge Me"

[Verse 1:]
I don't wanna go there
We should never go there (damn)
Why you wanna go there?
I guess I gotta go there

[Pre-Hook:]
You're hearing rumours about me
And you can't stomach the thought
Of someone touching my body
When you're so close to my heart
I won't deny what they saying
Because most of it is true
But it was all before I fell for you

[Hook:]
So please babe
So please don't judge me
And I won't judge you
Cause it could get ugly
Before it gets beautiful
Please don't judge me
And I won't judge you
And if you love me
Then let it be beautiful
Let it be beautifu-u-ul, let it be beautiful
Let it be beautifu-u-ul, let it be beautiful

[Verse 2:]
Everything I say right now
Is gonna be used in another fight
And I've been through this so many times
Can we change the subject?
You gonna start asking me questions like:
"Was she attractive? Was she an actress?"
Baby the fact is

[Pre-Hook:]
You're hearing rumours about me
And saw some pictures online
Saying they got you so angry
Making you wish you were blind
Before we start talking crazy
Saying some things we'll regret
Can we just slow it down and press reset (damn).
You're beautiful

[Hook:]
So, baby
So please don't judge me
And I won't judge you
Cause it could get ugly
Before it gets beautiful
Please don't judge me
And I won't judge you
And if you love me
Then let it be beautiful

[Bridge:]
Just let the past
Just be the past
And focus on things
That are gonna make us laugh
Take me as I am, not who I was
I'll promise I'll be, the one that you can trust

[Hook:]
So please
So please don't judge me (don't judge me)
And I won't judge you (I won't)
Cause it could get ugly
Before it gets beautiful (before it gets beautiful)
Please don't judge me (so please don't)
And I won't judge you
And if you love me
Then let it be beautiful
Let it be beautiful [x4]
Let it be beautiful ay
Let it be beautiful yeah, yeah, yeah

[Outro:]
I don't wanna go there baby yeah
We should never go there

For my Baby Dad

Tit for tat? Is that a fact? Well you've done just that? Got me back? For what? I'll never know. Don't really care. All I will ever know is your back. The way you react. The words you use to attack. The things you lack. Time wasted being ugly and mean that you'll never get back. Our past. The past. The pain. My pain. The poison you've injected through your lies directly into my veins. The tiny little faces that look up into my eyes and ask me the whys. Why daddy left? Where did he go? Will he ever come back? Those piercing questions force me to react. I have to protect. These babies are all I have left. From the wreckage of losing my best friend and for putting all of my faith and belief into something that would never be achieved. A nice family. Love and security. Things you could never give to me. Would have, could have, should have. Well you didn't and neither did I. I am not pointing one finger your way.. well maybe one but not the index or the thumb and not the little one or the ring one neither. So I have left overs in my refrigerator. Yes. I can either serve this shit up for you cold on a silver platter. Hand you a disaster. Or we can sit calmy together over a warm meal and spill out our raw feelings over what we both think caused this whole deal. But at this point I'm sad to report that we lost the chance even for that last dance. You crossed the line with bringing up my Pops and for that we will never get to have that talk. I never want to serve you up nothing but rocks. I never want to sit and do shit with you ever again except make fun of your ugly ass boyfriend. I am having a blast without you here. I'll bet that shit pains you too that its with some other dude. But in all honesty it shouldn't bother you because you chose to be with someone different. So all this was supposed to come out smooth and I wasn't supposed to end this shit rude or on another bad note. But you have that effect on me which is why I am so happy you are not here to ruin the moment. You and I never got the opportunity to sit down and just talk. Everything happened so fast and that's the only thing I wonder about sometimes. Why you and I could never talk? Now we are both just so past done that nothing will ever be the same ever again. You lost a great friend. I lost a great ****. Our children lost their father. You tell me which one of those is the hardest to replace. This mess we've made has made a stain that I'll never try and cover up or clean again. No disinfectant could ever decontaminate this mess we've made. Our whole lives together was a mistake. You put razor blades in my cake. I'll never trust you again. I should have never called you a friend. I should have never wished you were my man. I should have never ever let you back in again and again. Would have, could have, should have but I didn't. Until now. I'll never care where, with whom, what, how or when you do anything you do ever again. Thats the end. You make no difference except for when you're gone. Alone. Always alone. I'm not. Sorry. Nope. Nope. I'm not. You are nothing but a liar and a cheater and you got caught. Now that's a shame. You played your little game. You lost. Power off. Powers out. Black out. No lights. No body is home. That's what you'll get if you ever try to come back. You are not welcome in my future, you are not welcome in my present and you are nothing but the piled up trash of my past. The future is bright. Get yourself a flashlight. Hope you have a good night. Or better yet a good life. Stay away from mine.

Thanks Frank

Best advice of my life. "Always be young at heart.."

Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you
If you're young at heart.
For it's hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind
If you're young at heart.
You can go to extremes with impossible schemes.
You can laugh when your dreams fall apart at the seams.
And life gets more exciting with each passing day.
And love is either in your heart, or on it's way.
Don't you know that it's worth every treasure on earth
To be young at heart.
For as rich as you are, it's much better by far
To be young at heart.
And if you should survive to 105,
Look at all you'll derive out of being alive!
And here is the best part, you have a head start
If you are among the very young at heart.
And if you should survive to 105,
Look at all you'll derive out of being alive!
And here is the best part, you have a head start
If you are among the very young at heart.

Dust Rags

I'm feeling more like my old self again today. Fuck Jose! Hey, hey, hey. I'm in a mood and I have a tude, I'm being lude. I'm talking crude. I'm being rude. Hey Fuck you dude. Ha. Ha. Ha. Blah. Blah. Blah. You are in disgusting taste. A waste. A bio-hazard in a bag. Rag. Ew. Dusty. Crusty. He, he, he. Between aliens and astronauts You are the lesser of the two. The not. Not the Naut. I am the Astronaut. Hot. Close to the surface of the sun. Son. One. Won. Done. Don. Pause. Wait a minute. I'm not finished. Hold that thought. Don't lose your focus. I want to know this. Don't let it go. Now go. Open up your heart, Yeah. Not your eyes, not your nose, not your ears but your souls. Folks. I love you. I really do but I'm rude because some of you are just too You. Ew. Shhh. Be quiet for just a moment. Own that. You're a dust rag. Yep. STFU for another two seconds!! You sit there. Nothing ass. Trash. Trashed. Asking from the wrong hands. Setting goals towards the wrong plans. Expecting too much and never giving enough. Giving a fuck. Giving anything up. Life is every man's sacrifice. So why do you feel like you just deserve a slice without offering a hand that made the pie? And. Wait. I'm almost done. The lesson here is One. There is just one person that can help. One man. One woman. One self. You sit there and want to blame everyone else. You should pray that you find your way and be granted help. Sitting there, collecting dust. Get the fuck up! Wipe yourself off dust rag. Quit sitting on that same dirty couch. Ok. So now. Go ahead. Open your mouth. Now. If you have something to say. Anyone of you lack-luster, bust a bitches chops; Mops! Go right ahead. Right away. Right the wrongs I've written on this page. You have the floor. Please take the stage. The podium is all yours. Or better yet. Pick up a pen and a piece of paper. Get a publisher and create a title, put your name as the Author on the cover. Sign me a copy and send it to my front door step. Thanking me for your success. You can come at me however you want to. I don't have to flaunt you because that is something You yourself should do. So the moral is skrew You. I don't even know You. I never even cared to. I stay steady doing what I do. That's called life. So take a lesson. I write this stuff down because it's a blessing. I'm nothing to this shit hole world that we are shitting in but I'm gold in the sifter of the Lord. And I know the difference of his promise from the World's. I know there is time to right my wrongs. I have time to kneel down and pray. I accept those things that cannot be changed and find new ways to better myself everyday. The evils of this world havent captured my soul yet. There is room for regret, room for remorse. I believe there is still time for everyone to change course. My answers I found inside. Once I stopped trying to hide. The fact remains the same that everyone makes mistakes and this is a well-known fact of life. It's not like you're learning it for the very first time. So all I'm really trying to say without being hostile, mean, rude or fake is instead of focusing on each others' differences we should look at the same instances and try to focus on each others' similarities. More basically put, it's as simple as taking the hate off and putting love on the other foot. It's human nature to feel angry and a slew of other raw emotions but instead of reacting off of that try to hold yourself back and relax. Take the higher route to the higher road. Take a second to think about what is really bothering you. Stop blaming me. I blame myself for enough of my own mistakes. Turn the tables and stop trying to save face. Why dont you let go of that hate and try to create a central focus. Something you know you can always go to. For me this is my faith. God keeps me grounded. When I'm feeling lost he helps me find my way. When people call me crazy he reminds me that I'm sane. When I feel lonely he puts familiar faces in its place. He picks me up when I'm feeling down. He keeps me safe and with his love I feel secure. The love and power I get from God doesn't compare but can be dsecribed by all of the beauty of the world. God has the power to take away the pain, remove the grey clouds and wash away the rain. With the Lord in my heart and always present on my mind I find no time to be sad or dwell on the lost opportunities of the past. I've learned the value of today and the passion to make each one great lives in my dreams when I am asleep and is my reality when I am awake. God bless your soul and mine. Ours.

The Weekend Wicked Games

I left my girl back home, I don't love her no more
And she'll never f*cking know that, these f*cking eyes that I'm staring at
Let me see that ass, look at all this cash
And I've emptied out my cards too
Now I'm f*cking leaning on that

Bring your love baby I can bring my shame
Bring the drugs baby I can bring my pain
I got my heart right here, I got my scars right here
Bring the cups baby I can bring the drink
Bring your body baby I can bring you fame

That's my motherf*cking word too
Just let me motherf*cking love you

Listen ma, I'll give you all I got
Give me all for this, I need confidence in myself
Listen ma, I'll give you all of me
Give me all of it, I need all of it to myself
Oh, oh, oh
Woah
So tell me you love me
Only for tonight
Only for tonight
Even though you don't love me
Oh, oh
Just tell me you love me
I'll give you all of me, I'll give you all of me
Even though you don't love me.

Let me see you dance
I love to watch you dance
Take you down another level
Get you dancing with the devil
Take a shot of this
But I'm warning you
I'm on that shit that you can't smell baby
So, put down your perfume

Bring your love baby I can bring my shame
Bring the drugs baby I can bring my pain
I got my heart right here, I got my scars right here
Bring the cups baby I can bring the drink
Bring your body baby I can bring you fame

That's my motherf*cking word too
So let me motherf*cking love you

Listen ma, I'll give you all I got
Give me all of this, I mean confidence in myself
Listen ma, I'll give you all of me
Give me all of it, I need all of it to myself
I need all of it
So tell me you love me
Only for tonight
Only for tonight
Even though you don't love me
Oh, oh
Just tell me you love me
I'll give you all of me, I'll give you all of me
Even though you don't love me

Dumb ass

So does it make you feel like a big man to talk shit about my Dead father??? Really? All I wanted were my dead fathers tools back. Yea you may think I don't need them and you're right. I don't. Because my dad is dead and you did not marry me I just thought it would be nice to keep them you know for like a family airloom. But like you said since you still have your dad I don't expect you to understand or have sympathy for me. That's ok about the tools. Keep them. At least I know they'll be used and cared for. As for the name calling. You can keep that too. You aren't even good at it. All you got is Mutt, psycho and slut! Lol. You are going to have to try harder than that. Why not pick up a dictionary? It won't bite you. But mark my words here and now JAF you crossed the line talking bout my Pops like that. I think you know it but your punishment will far exceed the damage your remarks have caused me. You are cancerous. Poisonous. And I will avoid you like the plaque. Good riddance.