Gone Fishing

I have too many confessions swimming around my head so I let them bleed out through the pen. I wrote how I felt instead of speaking the things I should have said. Instead of being blunt and up front I hid all of the important stuff, forgot to tell you where you should look along the way and left the missing pieces scattered throughout the pages. If we would have just sat and had that chat maybe everything would be different. Lies can't be told with the eyes and I needed a verbal confirmation, your inside information or some type of explanation as to what you were feeling leading up to those last moments. Physical feelings do have meanings but emotions toss those physical feelings like minnows into an ocean. If no one ever dives down to dig deep for answers that need to be found the unexplored remains the unknown for the rest of time. I have issues with never making any of them mine. I was too busy searching for a lost good time. I gave up before my time and gave in to my vices and sins time and time again. I'm still marinating on the idea that one day I'll stumble upon a person that can somehow beat the odds. Since I've had this thought I stopped looking for what I thought was lost. Not all is lost. Is it bad to say that til this day I still have hope that I'll make someone mine someday? Even after all of this time? I can hardly choose a side. I'm stuck dead center between marriage and the single life. I'd love to have someone to call my own and know in my mind, heart and soul I belong to him too. But is that enough to give up my solitude? What else is there to do when the one person you want doesn't want you? Will there ever be any clear and concise clues as to who can assume the role of "the one"? It makes me sad to think about all of the men I've let in and which ones I let down. I often think about what it could have been if I had chosen and settled down with one of them. Will it be someone from the past who sweeps me off my feet at last or will some new date have the bait to reel me in for good? Sometimes things are clear but often times things can be misunderstood. For now I'll leave my bait on my hook.

I

I somehow knew things would end like this again. The emphasis always being on the end. The outcome, like cloudy weather was never predicted to be sunny. It's no joke how unfunny the scenario is but you always did hide the hurt with humor. I thought that daddy dying hurt but have learned that living without him hurts so much worse. Now I understand why we live amongst so many addicts because people form these disgusting habits to dull the pain from having been through something so traumatic. My skin soaks up most of the salty tears before I can wipe them away. I guess I wouldn't have to tell you I'm sad today. It's hard to believe I felt I had nowhere to turn when I began this page, countless tears running down my face, now when I put down this pen and close this book you'd never know any of this by the way I look.

-PEACE- No More Hurting People. RIP Martin Richard

Another road trip

Mirror mirror in my car take me to a place that is very far. Let me see the path ahead and leave the past with the dead. I've drawn out a map inside my head and highlighted the highways in red. I've taken the steps to get on this trip and I'm leaving in a hurry. I chose a place very far to another place away from now. I'm driving forward without looking into you mirror. So tell me now how far we can go with this petrol. Put the peddle to the metal and make me go. Into the night away from the city lights I drive into the far away and wait for signs pointing to gone. Into the darkness my brake lights fade. I'll never want to leave this place I find far, far away.

Honesty before hesitation

If you wanted to know something all you had to do was ask. All you can do is sit in your room and assume what you never knew. We all have our own truth. I don't believe yours and you never took time to hear mine. You know what? That's fine. Anytime somebody hears anything they don't like it becomes a reason to fight. What happened to being able to disagree without retreat? This world is full of fleeing human beings running from everything. The truth doesn't evade you, you evade the truth. It's easy to live today when you deny your past and fade to black. You become content to live in lies and stay in the shadows shying away from the light. Sun on my face I follow my truth because it always leads me home. Cordial can't be taught if all you've ever done is fought. I'm tired of rude ass people thinking it's just them standing in line, at the red light, waiting for the right time, on their own grind. Everybody has their own story. Step aside. Everybody has something that they use to cope with everyday possibly losing hope in their life. I'm recognizing your abuse. I'm senseless to the point of oblivion. I can't make circles because I've lost all perception of distance. I'm fading with your light because I can't compete with your daunting shadows. Instead of being swallowed whole I am entirely tied to my struggle. I know I'm on my own. You can't even help me. Why would you try? You wouldn't. Admit that. I can admit this shit is hard but I wouldn't trade it for the World because it's mine. I've let people use me. I realize it's cause to their own struggles. I won't blame them but never neglect how tightly a grip can grab hold. I don't ever want to be that trigger on someone's grip causing them to slip. That's not on the itinerary for my trip. I'd rather spend the whole time enjoying the moments, learning things I didn't know then, watch those around me find happiness and live life to it's fullest. There is no American dream. It comes from deeper within each and every single human being. Harness energy to what you're looking for and it becomes your truth believable to the rest of the world or not. To cover ground you have to know where you left off. Sometimes you make apologies for things not knowing what you did wrong. That's wrong. The right thing to do isn't always good and the wrong thing isn't always bad. My right is your left so who is to say if my up is your down or my smile is your frown. You never ever knew I existed before you intruded into my existence. So listen. You have your struggles like everybody else. Health. Wealth. Faith. Success. Love. Live your life and let me live mine. Don't ever ask me anything. You lost your chance.