Parenthood

Mama Bird says to herself one day: 

Soon enough these little birdies learn to fly. What will you do Mama Bird if you're not prepared for that? Your little ones are such an enormous part of your life. What will you do when they begin to fly? Your duties and chores are never ending and you're still experiencing all their new beginnings. I don't think you understand how quickly approaching are the celebrations of their new endings. If you turn your back too quickly or are gone for much too long by the time you return they might all be gone. You'll be left all alone. What type of mommy will you be then? Will you always try over protecting them? Will you listen to their needs or think you know everything? Will you be understanding to them with things you cannot understand? Will you always be there to lend them your hand? How will you cope when they leave you all alone? What should you do if they decide not to roam? How will you provide them with the motivation they will need? Will you be able to suppress their fears and wipe away each and every falling tear? It's your job to provide them with all of the knowledge they're ever going to need. Are you prepared for that type of responsibility? If they should ever fall you will have to be right there to pick them up and carry them home. A Mama Bird's job is never done. You have to be there if they decide to stay but let them go when they are ready to fly away.

                           MY INSPIRATION

You and I

You and me could never be. What we think we had was all a dream. A reality existing only in our minds. Besides putting in the time all we ever got was hurt and lies. No one can ever understand why. Why would two people ever put each other through so much shit? How could we have stayed in such a toxic relationship? Our Love turned into our punishment. You hurt me because you say I hurt you but til this day you've never explained to me what I did to you. Sometimes the past is a pond where the truth can be fished out but the pond we know has dried up into mud and dust. Now we could never go back and fish out any truths because they've been diluted and dissolved into the Earth's crust. Any honesty we ever displayed is trapped somewhere on a dusty page in a closed book sitting somewhere on a shelf. I have no desire to read through the history books now. I passed that class and have no reason to look back and brush up on the shit that didn't teach me anything but resentment. I don't hate you but I hate things you said and the things you did. I've accepted that I'll never have the answers to burning questions that I have. All I can do now is sit around the inferno and roast marsh mellows and make s'mores out of the memories we left to burn. I have no regrets besides not leaving sooner. I don't want to believe we knew things would end this way but I think we both did. You had yours on the side the whole time while all I ever wanted was for you to be all mine. I'm sorry if you feel I ruined your life. There was no hope for you and I because there was never a You to begin with. Til this very day you still don't know who you are and that bothers me. It makes me sad to think that the beauty I saw within you was fake and all you ever did was take me for granted. All those times I thought you were tearing me down, you were just questioning your own motives. I tried loving you so hard when you were just looking for someone else. You have your point of view and I have mine. I know now that we'll never see eye to eye. Guess that's why there could never be a You and I. We never even attempted putting the two together. You were always too busy living for today and I was stuck in building tomorrow. Like a defective Libra scale we could never balance each other out. Instead of looking in the mirror we were busy pointing fingers. Instead of attempting to make things better we only ever made them worse. We turned forever into never and gave up hope anytime things got rough. I don't deny how badly I've hurt you but I can say I'm sorry. Until the day comes when you can realize how badly you hurt me, you'll never be able to give me the apology I deserve from you. When the day finally comes it will probably be too late. I don't love you like I used to and no longer have patience to wait. I'm beginning to think you never ever loved me the way you claim and instead used me to get your way. If you had loved me right and gave me all of you maybe we could've ended this on a different foot. Now all we have to give each other is goodbye and accept that there could've never been a You and I.

Sun up til Sun down

If I could turn all of my words into hours I'd spend them all planting beautiful flowers to make a private garden for us big enough to spend every waking minute whispering to ourselves each others' deepest secrets. Laughing out every breath is how I imagine the way I'll spend the moments after every word you say. Our friendship takes the cake like the cake I'll be shoving in your face on our wedding day. The way you make me feel can't compare to anything of this World and when I'm dancing in your arms I feel like we're floating on air, the wind in our hair like two ships sailing together around the World. Dreaming becomes life and sleeping is a way to take a break from the immense love I see before I fall asleep and feel every morning when I wake. You smother me in your presence so I cook up nice and juicy and you eat me up and I drink you down and we make love until the sun comes up and goes back down. We could never be separated by any crowd because our hearts both whistle a specific sound that only signals the love we made up. It's a special code that we developed while we were laying in our garden together while the rest of the World was busy around us and when we disappear no one will ever know where to find us.

Chained to Free (2009)

This is a blog I wrote back in 2009. It didn't make my book but here it is. Enjoy!!

I'm an idiot, my head's in a fog. My thoughts scatter so quickly in every direction I can't catch them all. I need to get it together. When I thought I had it together. I'm confused. I can't follow everyone's advice but I can't even listen to my own. Why is it when I convince myself of anything, I can't change my mind quick enough? I know I've put myself here, so why now do I wish I were standing over there? I just want to call him. What harm would it do? I hate that my mind and my heart are confused. But I'm not confused, I did what I did and said what I've said because it was exactly what was floating around in my head. So how can I feel this way? What is my problem? We got problems. Why can't I just figure out the equation and find the right way to solve them? I think I may be in denial. Or maybe I am just crazy. I miss speaking to him daily. How can I possibly miss him after I so harshly dissed him? Jesus Lord I can't take this anymore. I need a break from me! That part is dead, I guess I just needed to clear my head. But I've been Chained to Free so unexpectedly.