Dear You,

Dear You,
   It's been a while since we've spoken. We haven't been on good terms in quite some time. I can admit I miss you but not the way you think. I know you miss me too but I know you miss them more. I am writing you this letter because we'll never get the chance to have a real and meaningful conversation about how we both feel. That's ok but I still have so many things I'd like to say to you. Every time I find myself dialing your number or writing you a text I remember how mean you were when I saw you last and it makes me think twice. I actually went ahead and deleted your number. It's probably best if you delete mine too. I never want to afford you the opportunity to hurt me or the children more than you already have. You've had ample opportunities to make things better between us but I don't think that's ever been on your agenda or a priority in your life. You are no longer a priority in my life but even still I wish we could share the important things. I'm brutally aware that things between us will never be the same and I'm also aware that neither you nor I are completely to blame. I'm tired of pointing fingers and trying to place blame when in reality we should both be taking responsibility for where we are today. So with that all being said, I am going to get off my chest what it is I need to say. Maybe you'll read this someday and maybe you never will but I need to write it all out because it's been weighing me down and I don't want to carry it around especially now that my man is about to get out. It was about 12 years ago when we first met. We developed a friendship that we both adored, we had a special connection unlike anything I had ever experienced before meeting you. It quickly escalated into a relationship which quickly resulted in a teenage pregnancy. At that time I was only 17 years old and you were about 19. We were both still in high school. At first I believed we were in love and I think you believed it too. I know now it was just lust and sin that kept us together as long as we were. I feel like out of 11 years you were never really faithful to me. You were cheating on me even before we ever went out on our official 1st date. You and your friends would actually bet on who could get more chicks into bed. You video taped yourself having sex with girls unknowingly. You were basically phucking any girl who would bite your line and I just happened to be one of them. I don't consider myself special. I don't feel like anything set me apart from any of the other girls you screwed. The only difference is I got pregnant. You always used to tell me how much you loved me but now I think you were just saying that so I would stay with you and not look for someone else. Back then, before we got pregnant I had so many guys that wanted a real relationship with me. Guys that today are successful, some happily married and with children of their own who are awesome husbands and fathers. I don't consider them to be regrets but I know that I would have been much happier with someone else and you would have too for that matter. You were never happy with me. You were obligated to me. You never wanted anything serious with me, you accidentally got me pregnant. Our relationship never reached it's true potential because you were too busy taking care of your own needs. I gave to you what should have been the best and most memorable years of my life. I have resentment towards you because I feel like you robbed me of that. Maybe you feel like I robbed you too but I'll never know how you truly feel. Even though I've had so many Why's over the years, I really don't have any questions for you anymore. I used to want to ask you many things but now I just want you to know many things. I trusted you. I believed you. I gave you everything I had and more. I wanted to spend my life with you. I wanted us to raise our children together. I wanted our children to have both their parents as they grew up and matured into adults. Now I'm just sorry I ever felt so strongly towards you. I regret wasting so many years trying to build up our relationship when you were constantly tearing it down. I'm sorry that after the first time I caught you cheating I was stupid enough to believe that you would not do it to me again. I'm sorry I allowed you to cause me so much pain. The truth is we never accepted Christ into our relationship and that's the main reason it didn't work out. It makes me sad to think about the christian you were brought up to be and yet when you met me instead of bringing me closer to Christ you backed away from him. Just shows how much you "loved" me. If you were already aware of the promise God has given us through his son Jesus Christ why on Earth would you not share that with someone you care about? Maybe because you never really cared about me or considered me to be good enough for God. You are not the same person I met all those years ago. You hate me today and I can't do anything to change that now. You were my best friend. I don't think you ever believed in that. I don't think you ever believed anything I ever told you. You always took every one else at face value but for some reason it was so hard for you to have faith in me or believe what I was telling you, the person who you supposedly loved so deeply. How could I have ever been the one who was special to you when there were so many others? What was it that kept bringing you back I'll never know or understand. What it was that made me keep taking you back? I'll never know or understand. If I ever did love you it was in Christ. If you ever really did love me, well I have to tell you that today, right now as it stands I don't believe you ever did love me. Ever. Never did and never will. That's where we are today. After so many years and 5 kids, we hate each other's guts and don't care to ever have a friendship or cordial relationship ever again. You've moved on. You are happy now. I've moved on. I'm not happy yet but I'm getting there. I really just wanted you to know that over the years it's become painfully apparent to me that I was always just a phuck. I was never envisioned to be "wifey material" in your head. It was never going to work out between us. You made it very clear in your actions. I never cheated on you for the record. I only ever fuckt other dudes while we were broken up and I most certainly would have been honest with you but you never asked. You always just assumed I was there como pendeja esperandote. I guess you never thought someone would be capable of giving you a taste of your own medicine. I'm sorry it had to be me. I'm sorry you were never faithful to me and that today I feel like I wasted 10 whole years of my life on someone who would shit all over the very pit of my existence. You have been nothing but a thorn in my side all these years. Never once, even in high school, did I ever feel safe and secure with you. Your family was never accepting of me or our relationship and neither the children. You never made me or the children a priority, it was always you. You, you, you and your life and your money and your needs and your wants. You tried at times but you never tried hard enough. You may have given some part of yourself to me at certain points throughout the 12 years we've known one another but the bad has always out weighed the good and for that I have nothing left of you. You used to say you weren't good enough for me and that was and still is a true statement. I have no attraction towards you. No fondness for you. No love for you. I am working on forgiveness but it's a work in progress. Nothing else remains. Nothing. I've burned the memories of you and you no longer exist anywhere except my children's blood. My heart turned cold for you and never again will I revert to that sad pathetic little girl waiting for something to click. Waiting for you to care, to change, to love your life with me and your kids in it. You have a blessed rest of your life. I'm sorry that I caused you pain if ever I did. I'm honestly sorry to have ever been such a big part of your life. I'm sorry you're a father to children who won't ever know you. From this day forward our "relationship" (if you want to call it that) for me will forevermore be considered to be a friends with benefits relationship and we just accidentally had 5 kids. That's my description of what we shared all these years. In my opinion it was never love, only lust. You never loved me in Christ only lusted after my body and we lived in sin. I'm completely satisfied with never seeing or speaking to you again as long as I live. I pray you have continued success and happiness in your life and I look forward to taking you for all your worth monetarily as you completely obliterated my financial, emotional, physical and mental worth for quite some time without even looking back. You left me for dead and I'm happy to tell you that the girl you left behind is dead because I've found Christ. Thank you for nothing except for the 5 beautiful beings you gave me. I am happy to say they are all mine and will replace all the love you stole. They have repaired the damages you've caused to my heart. I can only wish you the best in your life and pray that moving forward you will never inflict anyone with the amount of pain and turmoil you have on me. God bless. Toronto. 

Never yours, Me