Dangerous Dreams

I saw you first. You hadn't noticed me standing there in your suit and tie. You were so alive in my eyes. I wondered to myself, "Who is that guy?” Apparently I had caught your eye too but it's something I never knew. You were always out of my reach. A mere fantasy. A daydream. Someone I admired from afar. A superstar. I could never suppress a smile in your presence. I'd feel my cheeks flush when you got too close or whenever you spoke. I soon found you to be someone I excited to see. No one ever made my heart flutter just by walking in. Your presence did something inexplicable to me inside. Something about your aura stood out to me. You just have an amazing energy. You're someone I wanted to meet. Handsome to beat. A style with which no one could compete. And oh that sweet voice, those eyes, that smile. Your incredible hair. You, just standing there. The temptation was too strong to deny. Who would have thought you felt the same way? I never imagined one day to find myself sitting down across from you. Just you and I with no one else around. Looking at me the way you do. I was a nervous mess trying to play it cool. Unsure of how much I should disclose to you. Uncontrollable smile pressed upon my red stained lips. Laughing way too much at everything you said. Yet, there you sat, answering candidly all my obnoxious inquiries about your life. Your openness was like a fire. You were more inviting and warm than I could've ever imagined. You made it easy to break you out of the crush in my head. View you as a prospect instead. I had this idea of how you'd be and I was way off. You're like a cyclone of information and radiating energy that I couldn't resist to chase. So instead of listening to my instincts I sat there and fired back. Our energy was magnetic. Our chemistry unequivocal to anything I've ever experienced. Neither one of us wanted to leave. We stood for a while beneath the moonlight, contemplating moves. Leftover food. Looking up into those amazing eyes, leaning dangerously into you. It didn't take long before a decision was won. I'll never know if you'd planned to kiss me or if it was spontaneous on your part. Either way it felt right. Made my night. Sent me afloat. If they hadn't been strapped to my feet I may have slipped right off my heels and melted into the street. Had it not been for my already immense crush on you I can't say for sure if our first kiss would've been so immaculate? You sparked a flame in me. Planted a field of dreams. We went from strangers to lovers in a matter of moments. And just like that you were mine. Was I crazy to let you in so abruptly? You made it easy for me to welcome you into my life. I guess I didn't put up a very commendable fight. I wanted whatever you were offering. It's safe to say I was being too greedy. It's not my fault you taste like candy. We spent another few hours just cuddling, talking, laughing and learning. Then you left me and I could hardly wait for the next day. You gave me a reason to be excited again. You brought me back to life for a second. The next few weeks were a whirlwind of romance and anticipation. You took me out of this world in more ways than one. You took me on a magic carpet ride. You led me to an ultraviolet light. You showed me the future. You taught me that I am beautiful. You introduced me to the most magnificent music. You made me believe in love again. Now I know it does exist. It must. How can two people share so much of themselves so quickly? Why would you say those types of things to me? I know what I feel isn't fake. It's very much real. A weekend passed and we hadn't spoken. Time away from you now is agony. So Monday when you asked to see me I was drenched in delight and couldn't wait to see your face. It all ended that day. You said you couldn't see me anymore. In my heart you ripped a hole. And just like that you were gone. Our world imploded with just a few words. You left me just as suddenly as you came. I didn't have anything to say, I was stunned to silence. So you got out and I drove away. I cried hard that day. I wanted to run away and never come back. I've never known a pain like that, probably equal to that of a heart attack. You left me broken and torn. I've never felt that pain before and I've been through plenty of pain but that was intolerable. That was a few weeks ago now. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I don't how I'm supposed to move passed the wreckage. You really were like a tornado. Tearing through strong and fast enough just to leave an ugly scar. I miss you more than you could possibly imagine. I'd do it all again in a nanosecond. You filled me up. You had given me hope. You brought me back to life. Inflated my heart just to turn it into a bull's eye. Inadvertently made me cry. I've had men come in and out of my life but they left me unscathed compared to the damage of your wrath. You have left me in a perpetual state of disarray. I can't focus on anything. All I see is your face. I'm unable to shake the sadness. I can't go one day without thoughts of you impeding my already fuzzy focus. I'm more of a mess now than when you found me. I knew this was a sure possibility but I just couldn't resist. It was you after all. Wonderful, unimaginable, delectable, amazing, Superstar, pristine you. How was I supposed to control my feelings? How was I supposed to say No? In the same respect, how am I supposed to just let you go? Wander out of my life just as seamlessly as you entered. I am afraid to say I can't. What does that mean? What will I do with me? I'm back to admiring you from afar only now it hurts. Everything I once marveled at is challenging. I pray for glimpses of you then when you appear I recoil. I catch myself wanting to reach out knowing it's not the right thing to do. What did you do to me? You put me under your spell and I fell. You woke me from a peaceful slumber and brought me back to life. Now I'm close to death. Living only half a life. I'm stuck between a state of sleeping and dreaming. I don't want to bother you. I don't ever want to beg. I'm trying with all that I am to get you out of my head. I am desperate to let you go because I know that is what you want. No matter what your happiness is all I care about. I want to respect your wishes. I can't go on like this. I would give anything for you. I will do anything for you. You're still so alive in my eyes. Beautiful you. What I want most of all is to wake up from all of this. Go back to that day. I'm still standing there in the lobby. Admiring you from afar. Wondering who you are. Hoping someone will make you smile once more. Nonchalantly looking for a ring. I don't know you and you don't know me. You have no idea I even exist. You know absolutely nothing about me or my mess. This was just one helluva dream. Should I ever wake up again I promise myself to never remove you from your pedestal. Please wake up Linds so you can play it over again. The end.

Where's My Love

Deprived souls. Unattainable goals. Reaching out into darkness. Unable to connect. Feeling every thought. Reliving each moment and every memory separately simultaneously. Breathing Pain instead of air. Living in constant longing. A nightmare. Never together. Forced apart.


Deprived souls. Drowning in a drought. Dehydrated in a flood. Cold in the sun. Burning in the shade. Everything is wrong trying to do what's right. Crying at night. Empty inside. Alive to the World. Dead inside. Hiding the truth in forest eyes. Tasty lies on salty tongues. Bandages over bloody wounds.


Deprived souls. Inwardly screaming. Quiet on the surface. Hearts working double time. Clocking overtime hours for regular pay. Struggling to make it another day. Praying for a glimpse. Hoping something will change. Hopeless. Wanting to say so many things. Silent.


Deprived souls. Crying out for the other. Wondering what's in the other's head. Rummaging through the past. Looking for a reason to go back. Yearning to fall back into bed. Entangled in the sheets. Matching each other's breath. Feeling each other's pulse beneath the other's hand. Hearing heartbeats in sync. Leaving the World behind in each other's eyes. Fatal fantasizing. Deadly daydreaming. Pointless promises. Haunting hope.


Deprived souls. Forever alone. Where did the love go? They found it but had to let it go. Drifting apart. Out of sight. Fading out of mind. Placing hand over heart. Staring at the starting line. Regaining momentum. Missing moments. Losing time. Attempting to overcome. Moving on. Move on. Move along. A history that ended much too soon. Two souls passing through the other. What lays on the other side? Disappointment. Damage. Devastation. Disaster. Trouble.


Deprived souls. Who will they become? When do they give up? Where will they go? What are they after? How do they give up? Why did they let go? Deprived souls.

A love like Ours

I told you I'd never quit this but it got too real for a few of you. It's ok because it was never meant for you to view. All I see is what is in my view. My future and what I left in the rearview. I haven't had much to say until now. I guess you could say it was building up and now I'm ready to blow. It's coming to the surface and has nowhere to go but here. Internal bleeding. They can't find where it's coming from, it's only a matter of time now before I bleed out. I'll die before I ever quit this I thought I told y'all, probably did but nobody ever listens to me. I have a few things I need to get off my chest now. You ready? I could care less if you are or not because I'm going to go on anyway. Have I ever cared about you being ready before? C'mon you're well aware of the answer now. It just gushes out of me I can't stop the flow. When it's time it's time I don't question it I just let it come. Now seems like the perfect time. And what a beautiful season to repent. God so loved the World type business. Yea I said it and what? If you're ashamed of your faith in Christ I can't help you with that. I'm not. I know and stand firm by what I believe in. I have a tough time following him and maintaining my focus but I'm aware enough to know it. I don't act like I'm perfect. No one is. I'll never try to portray a position of righteousness because I am a sinner. I sin every day and repent. I struggle everyday but I won't quit. Like this, I just can't put it down. I could never leave it alone. I'll write til I can't write anymore. I'll never put it down until I have nothing left in me. And trust me I've had moments recently when I've felt like I was at that point but some way and some how I always come back to this. My first true love. My therapy. My drug. Mine. They've tried to take it from me before but it's always here waiting for me with open arms. This pen and pad, this screen and keyboard. Countless ideas and endless dreams. Infinite words that burn my soul begging to come to the forefront to make me whole. I am nothing without God first and foremost. But I am nothing still without the words that fill the craters and crevices of my mind. Time. Call it what you will it's just me and my head only we'll call it My Jumble instead. And just like that all the blood rushed from my body and I was pronounced dead.


To the love of my life: Writing. I will never leave you. You are my life, my soul, my spirit. Everything that makes me whole. The only constant I have ever known. I love you. XOXO.


I can only hope for the rest of you that you can find a love as true as ours. May God bless you.

Got to give it up

Ok, I've decided to go with my gut and give it up. Nothing good can come from a forced love. If he wanted me in the same ways I wanted him it would be. Naturally. I accept that he doesn't need me. The pain will eventually subside. I'm hoping the feelings will eventually die. This late in life I no longer believe in the concept of "the one" but I still have hope that I will someday be loved. They say when you stop searching for something you've lost it just pops up so I'm going to put my faith in finding love by giving it up. I'm going to stop trying so hard to fall and instead stand straight up, tall. I'm going to keep my eyes focused on God. I know that I'm not completely alone, God is by my side. I have to do a better job to stay away from trouble and not cause as much. I need to believe that I am enough. I must start telling myself that I am worthy of someone's love. I have to be more willing and open to trust. A life without love is dull, yes but a life forcing it is far worse. Love should be fluid like a flood going where it pleases without any barricades or boundaries holding it up. You can't trap feelings. Love cannot be suppressed or stopped. Yes being alone sucks but supposedly good things come to those who wait. Unfortunately for me I am so impatient that I have never tested that fate. I'm so aggressive and stubborn. I've always treacherously gotten everything I've gone after. Perhaps that's why nothing has ever lasted and I'm still alone. I've suffered so much loss in my life that I'm traumatized by the idea of love as a whole. I need patience. I need guidance. I need discipline. I realize I need to make changes within. I don't know how to say no to the things I want most. It's my biggest problem. I have to stop putting up such a hard fight for figments of my imagination that will never come to life. I keep retreating to the dark when I get too close to the light. I'm so terrified of being burned that I prefer to stay far from the fire. I am harboring so much hurt. I have been stripped to my bare bones. I'm tired of nursing old wounds and reopening scars. It feels like there is nothing left. I have to let it all go. I can't keep holding on to something I never had. I have got to give it up at last.  

Listen to Reason

The pain is ever prevalent. In all honesty I wish I had never met him. Missing him is profusely worse than not knowing him at all. I'm sick of being so unhappy with myself. Walking around like life is always trying me, testing my patience. Feeling like I've been put out like I'm the odd man out. Trying not to let this shit bother me. Pretending like I'm fine. Flaunting a fake smile like it's a new fad. Who am I kidding? I'm sick about everything. What's worse is I have no control over any of it. I have to sit back and just watch the credits roll past? It's over? Just like that? So why am I finding it so difficult to move on and start over? If you were given something you weren't supposed to have. Something you felt undeserving of. Something you felt you were absolutely unworthy of. Would you keep it or give it back? I have a moral dilemma I'm presently struggling with. It's a spiritual warfare and my heart is under attack. On the one hand he's everything I could ask for in a man. On the other he's not even mine. I keep trying to convince myself it was all a huge mistake and I'm fine. But that's a blatant lie. In this life we don't get many opportunities to make decisions that will impact the rest of our lives. I feel like this is one of those choices. I have to make a decision but I have to act fast. The question remains, should I do the right thing or do what I want? If I had no doubts the truth would be out and there would be no question of what I am going to do or how I should proceed. But my moral integrity is at stake. Satan is standing in my way. He continues to offer me the pleasures and treasures and sweet sultry temptations of the World. In one word; dirt. I know what I'm doing. I knew it all along but I only went with it because the pull was so damn strong. Like nothing I've ever felt before. This man fell from cloud 9 and fell in my path. How the phuck am I supposed to just ignore that and leave him behind? Why does this feel like a major exam that I am about to fail? Why do I allow these things to happen to me? Why can't I just live a normal life? Why can't I come across a free agent? I've met my match and he's attached, tethered to his past. I want so desperately to toss him a life raft but he doesn't seem to see he's drowning and he doesn't want my help. He keeps thinking he can fix the problems, patch the holes and keep his ship afloat. I can't be the person who convinces him that he's going down with the ship. But a noble Captain he is and refuses to jump ship, he's just going to let it happen in front of his face. I'd like to think that I'll be there waiting for him when he finally makes it back to shore but that he'll even survive I'm unsure. Time unfortunately is the fortune teller of all truths but in this case I wish I could pay for a preview to be sure I'm making the right move. That bitch life, all of my basic instincts, my morality and integrity are all screaming at me the same thing, "Move on and leave him alone!!" but I refuse to take part in singing one more sad song. When do I finally get what I want?

Utterly Numb

She's so accustomed to the disappointment and the pain. I was shocked that she was so hurt by it. What was it about him that made her break? Now she's saying she wants to change? Everything she's ever done has never worked. She always ends up worse and worse. She always gets the short end of the stick. She gets hit, spit on, knocked down and kicked. Why does she even get back up? Where does she muster up the strength? Why is she so apt to pain? Why is she so fucking stupid and insane? Why does she keep going back to the same asshole again and again? What does she see in him? All he ever does is kill her spirit. She loves that shit. She must want to be left lonely again and again. She loves to see him happy. It's just never with her. She's always the past never his future. She's the reason they learn from their mistakes. She makes them better for the next. She has been worn so thin. There is hardly anything left for who ever comes next. She'll break at the sight of him. She's like a dam full of cracks. Too far damaged to ever be repaired. She's the fuckin relationship whisperer. Having marital troubles? Fuck her and all your problems will disappear. She has the magic touch. Having trouble finding the right one? Fuck her and the love of your life will come right along. Why did she ever allow this for herself? Why does she always settle for hell? She doesn't even fight back the tears anymore. They've become an integral part of who she is. The sadness is ingrained in her DNA. She doesn't seem to know any other way. Self-pity. Self-loathing. She'll convince herself she's fine. She's past 9 lives. She must be a vampire because no one can sustain internal injuries of that magnitude and survive, time after time. Or she's the walking dead, no brain but functioning dead alive instead. She has completely given up. On love. Relationships. Marriage. Happiness. Her faith has waned. She's so fucking plain. Plateaued. Flat lined. Dead on arrival. No pulse. Lost all hope. No revival. No concern for her own survival. No resuscitation. She's lost all imagination. No morphine drip. Utterly numb to the pain. She finally called it quits. Down to every last nerve and vain.    

Happy Endings

You were never supposed to have been a conquest. I hope you know that. This is not the impression I ever would've wanted to leave on you. I fear you see me as a mistake and that is the most painful part. I can live without you just as you can live without me but knowing that you regret me is unbearable. None of it was real for you. Was it? They were just lyrics in a song. I knew you'd go back. It was just a matter of time. Didn't take very long at all. Love conquers all. Except now I have to live in this deliberate nightmare without you. It feels like I was the conquest. You conquered and I lost. I told you I would lose you before you would lose me. Those very words have a particular sting. I am the only one to blame. I could never hate you, I only hate me. I'm a disgusting excuse for a human being. Tragic really. I knew I was entering treacherous territory. I was forewarned but I proceeded anyway. I knew the stakes but I dug in deep my fangs. Perhaps too deep because now I am sinking. Thinking that you played me. Thinking all kinds of terrible things. Feeling like you needed a reason to make things better. Now you've made vows not to do it again. I'm glad I could be the reason you realized it. I was not built with brakes. I couldn't just say no. I let it go. I let you in. I was happier admiring you from afar because now I have to live with knowing how amazing you are. The truth is it went too far the 1st night. You and I both know that. My biggest fear realized. I knew where your loyalty would lay. I believe I said it to you a couple of times. Don't feel bad for me. I don't want your pity. This isn't the 1st time I've been used and wrung out like a wet cloth. Put on a line to dry, blown away with the wind. Inevitably forgotten. Faded to black. Jaded until I decide to come back again. To be hurt all over again. Seems like all I seek these days is pain. I guess I'll never know what it feels like to be on the other side of the fence. Was I supposed to put up a fight? Weren't you? It was so easy for you to come clean and piss on the fire til it was out. Now you're just another ghost that will haunt me in the night. Another needle full of pain. She's the plug and I was just the drain. Honestly I'm glad the truth wins. It's one of the qualities I favor of yours. So open and honest, even in your errors. So I won't even go on to pretend to want to make this change. Wishing we would've done things different. Stayed neutral. Friends. Now you're gone. Except you're not. You're still there. You always will be. I'm the one with no name, no face, no place in your heart, your mind, your life. All I have left are the songs, the smiles, dried up petals in a file. I guess I never learn from my mistakes. You're no different from the rest. You just fucked me, fucked up my head and left me for dead. I'm a tarnished little top. Only good for one thing. I told you I was broken but you took me for a spin anyway. I hope you two will be happy in the end. Enjoy your time trying to make it right while I put the pieces of my solitude back together, again. Knowing me, it won't be the last time. I always get what I want no matter how long it lasts. And they lived happily ever after, after her.