Happily Numb

As if I wasn't already in enough pain, you had to come along and plant a seedling of hope. I should've known my damage would eventually poison the ground. I flied all of my red flags from the beginning. I guess I just thought this time would be different. I should probably stop guessin' then. I'm emotionally wrecked, it was never a secret. I can't wrap my head around why anyone would want to give it a go with me anyway. He messed me up beyond repair so I glued the pieces of my shattered soul back together. Then the next one came along and with just one blow, I lay in pieces on the floor. I can understand coming back to life after the first time your heart ceases to beat, but twice? After that I figured I was done. My chance at love had come and gone. I convinced myself to give up on love. Then you came along. You're an amazing person. I appreciate the time you spent with me. In the end it would be my sharp edges to spring the leak that would cause us to sink. I can't say I'm surprised. I'm also not in shock. I'm happily numb to be back at square one. At this point the only person I really need to learn to love is me. I'm not equipped to love anybody else gracefully. I am a mess. My only regret is trying to pretend like I actually believed this would turn into something real. Life is happening today. Not tomorrow. Not two years from now. I have to live in the now. There is no pausing or fast forwarding or rewinding life. It will happen on it's own time, at it's own pace. There is no altering your perception or mine. You're not around to convince me otherwise. So instead I will move on knowing I'm grateful for what could've been but never happened. The moment I felt my heart cracking I had to take a step back. I have to protect what tiny supply of love I've got left. I'm saving it so I can sprinkle it over a seed that I've planted myself. Someday, at another time and in another place.