45 Days Away

I can't describe to you all how I feel tonight. My eyes well with tears of desire, my chest burns with flames of passion and my lips thirst for a drink of his presence. I need visual confirmation, I've been chasing a mirage. I'm walking strong but I'm afraid I'm lost. I woke up from a night mare where you weren't there until I fell back asleep because life is all one big dream. I wake up in a dream and fall asleep into peace. I can't breathe because of the weight I'm bearing on my chest. It's wrapping me up like a killer constrictor, squeezing tighter and tighter. It's indescribable the way I'm feelin tonight folks. I'm feelin choked, strangled, searching for the shattered pieces of my mangled heart. He told me the past wasn't an issue if I could hand him my heart new. I'm scrambling at this point pushed to my brink because I think of how much I'm willing to sacrifice for this. I'm twice removed from my roots, now they want me in snow boots. I'm talkin below degrees, ice cycled trees and wobbly knees. I want so badly to ask why life is doing this to me. The better question is am I ready? This is the biggest change I will have to make, the biggest risk I will have to take, the hardest decision I will make. I don't even like cake so I'll bake some fudgge brownies instead, pack up my things and go I guess. I'm going to the farthest place in the World. The North Pole. Time to explore a new place I've never been before. Time to partake in a brand new adventure. I'm scared, excited, anxious, suspicious but that doesn't come close to describing what I'm feeling tonight friends. It's bigger than me, bigger than him, bigger than us; it's beyond this World. I'm untold. I'm made pure. My slates been wiped clean. Now I can see. My tears have been dried. My worries have met their demise. I am pleasantly surprised to be undertaking the adventure of my life. I promise to dance and sing and hug and kiss and love and thank and live in an unimaginable bliss. I believe it's all God's gift. My beautiful life that I live. I love you Jesus Reyes. See you very soon. 45 days away from right now we'll be under the same moon. I love you. XOXO. 

Heartbeats

I wish I had more to say but things don't always turn out that way. I might tell you something's today that I'd never ever dare to speak to your face. The words from my mouth don't compare to the look in my eyes. If you saw me today it might make you sigh. We wonder why we are far apart when the truth rings out from our beating hearts. When love breeds from within us both, the words aren't what we are searching for anymore. I'm looking to feel your breath on my cheek. It was never the words but the feelings I seek. You're with me every day I just wish I could hear you say, "I love you" but not with any words or spoken breath but from the heartbeat I hear while I'm laying there on your chest. Soon is never soon enough when it comes to the person that you love. Don't take advantage of that warm breath upon your cheek and always cherish the "I love you's" you hear when their heart beats.

Missing a d and a cover page

Drafts. I have nightmares about drafts. 1st drafts, 2nd drafts...rough drafts?? Or is it Outline, rough draft, 1st draft, 2nd draft, etc. ..? Eh who cares. I have a lot of words I never get to use. It drives me crazy thinking of "to-do's". The World doesn't function like a draft. There is no corrector pen or back space for a particular time or place. There is no over sized paper shredder to tear through the truth. There is no delete button for something's that are done and through. Mistakes will not erase themselves but repentance helps. Forgiveness helps feelings forth and evil runs it's course. It comes and goes like a virus but we become immune and fight it. Our faith is what keeps us alive. I can't go back to where I have once been and if I could ever get back there again what would I do different I suppose would be the proposed question I'd be facing. To rewrite history is unthinkable to me. I don't care to change the past but experience the moments that pass. I'm facing 12 to life. I might have found the stair well that leads to my life. I'm still climbing, writing, trying not to crash land while I'm flying, correcting my errors as I make them and leading by example that isn't even my own image of perfection. It's the best we've got. The important becomes thoughts and efforts and letters that make up the words that we will use when we put our plans to good use. What good is a plan if there hasn't been any for sight ahead or time spent organizing the details therein? In no time at all I will have it all and I will be the one consumed by four walls. Sometimes stories have misleading beginnings and sometimes they are slow to become interesting but the most glorious stories are ones of enduring. Endurance is the test of time. Endurance is what makes your mind. To endure is the ability to ask yourself if you can take another pelt. "Love is patient and love is kind." We have heard it a billion and one times. Truth never reigned so supreme in my eyes. There is no time limit on love. Once a spiritual connection is born it's hard to ignore. My drafts never had endings before. I never made it that far. As soon as I'd begin I was finished again. I never disliked writing anything I just never understood the purpose of so many entries. Why create an Outline when it will become a draft only to turn that draft into another draft only to create an entirely new Draft which is now called an "Essay" or Final draft??? Why so much work? Why put in so much time? Why give so much effort again and again for the exact same end??? If you really think about it. It makes perfect sense. You can't see the mistakes on the page until you've turned it in, even after an outline and 5 drafts. Why is that? Are we in it for a grade? Is it something more? What is the answer I am searching for? You don't get an A for your perfect grammar. And points are not deducted for your improper citations. I din't even run the spellcheck! ;j But what I get in the end of all of the essay madness is a sense of accomplishment. There is always an end. It's in your finger tips. My fingertips wish for a much different surface to caress. As for now I'll call this a hypothesis. I'll stay away from drafts for a minute.

T-Minus 9 Weeks

Time will be abused but the abused become the abusers and at the moment you want the time to slow she will thrust you towards the thresh hold. She will wait for no single faulty foot step nor does she pause for excuses. Time is on your side until you start to abuse it. Many moments will pass before we begin to back track through our pasts. The older you become the more interesting it gets. The moment you begin to think you are in a rush the time will come from your blind side and give you a violent nudge. The one thing any one learns from pain is time is the ultimate healer to date. When we become victims to a fall or become consumed in the tornado of it all. Time has the power to close all open wounds, seal fates and close tombs. We lack the sense that we are not in control and that time hangs in the balance of it all. Life is filled with little reminders that we should always strive for being punctual. You must have your timing down to a T.  Timing is everything. T-Minus 9 weeks. XOXO.

The End is Near

With this passion comes a plaguing pain. I can't help but to want to cry when I hear your name. Is it that I am waiting in vain? I am unable to contain the raw scenarios from becoming an epidemic in my brain. So I quarantine my thoughts for 40 days and 40 nights. I think about it in the day and in my dreams at night. Have patience you say as if it's some easily won fight. Insecurity. If a word were to ever be so utterly contradictory it'd be "insecurity". If I'm "In" just let me be or perhaps you may put me out of my misery. In security is definitely where I wish to be; in your security. I can't think of anything else but the passing days. I haven't marked off this many calendar days since waiting for Christmas in the 3rd or 4th grade. Each X on another square is a kiss I'm saving for you when you get here. I have quite enough to last us a while, if accepting hundreds of my soft kisses is something that sounds worth your while. Each letter and stamp represents each dance we will dance. The phone calls and the emails represent all of the time we will spend. Forever said to Never can we just be friends? Forever means waiting until the very end. I'll walk that road alone if it means ending up with you. I'll turn never into forever waiting for you. You are my light, my friend, my lover, my man but most of all you are my end.