Post Mortem

Ouch. Oooooh yea girl. Show them your pain. Let it pour out of you like acid rain. Yea, them words sting don't they? I've forgotten my hidden talent. I've seem to forgotten what I'm good at. So many of them would love to see you in pain so let them in. Is this what all of you wanted?? I'm still alone. Still single. I'm still sad about my dad. I still have 5 kids to raise on my own. Nothing has changed. I'm just grown. I'm still the same ol fuck up from before. Not like many of you can say something different. If any of you have made it big, I haven't seen or heard it yet. Why was it always a competition? Oh yea, because most of you wanted to be who my baby daddy was sticking his dick in. Right. Pardon my memory. I smoke alot of weed. Yep. Thats right. I'm still the same ol me. Bitch. What did you think?? I was gna be rich? Gna find me a nice Christian husband?? Get fake tits, and an ass, and lots of liposuction. Well I'm not you bitch. None of you putos would've survived this long in my place. That's why I'm still here. Writing out all my dirt for the world to see and hear. Still too numb to ever give a fuck. I'm not afraid of me. Yea maybe I don't like that bitch so much right now but you putos still come check her out. So she must be doing something right. Right?? Or else you look dumb as fuck. Checking up on old garbage can that's been taken out. Sorry to disappoint you all. There is nothing new to see here at all. I'm still the same ol lonely lump of pain after all these years. Still shedding tears. Still that bitch who makes us all sick. The hoe you love to hate because you know I could suck your man's dick. Hahaha. Sorry that one made me laugh. Only cus you trix know it's true. Guess you can turn hoes into housewives. Girl, I see you! But you can never turn a player into a punk. I'll never stop. You bitches know what's up. 

Wild animal rescue

I just wish it would all go away. The pain. I wish I could wash it away with warm water like a fresh blood stain. I'm in so much pain. It's gushing through my veins. I hate that I gave you so much power over me. I hate that I allow you to make me weak. I can't think. I can't eat. I just want to move on. I want to be done. I don't want to see you in my head so much. I don't want you to exist in my memories' Playlist either. I wish I could just make it all disappear. I wish you were never here. I wish it was all just one huge fucking nightmare. One big correctable mistake. I'm so afraid of what I'll build up just to lose next. I was strong in my solitude. I used to be content in my loneliness. I was oblivious in my sadness and tragedy. You took that away from me. You gave me false hope, false reason to believe. I can't believe I fell so fucking hard this time around. What is wrong with me? Always falling for a breeze. Here one minute, gone the next. When will it not be just about sex? When will I learn my lesson? When will it be enough with the self-destruction? I try and try and try to convince myself I love me. I try to be someone I'd want to meet. I try to make myself believe that I'm worthy of something. Anything. But it's all just a bullshit facade. I'm nothing. It's clear to me. It's the only thing I believe. I used to know that. I had accepted it after the last. Stephen was no fkn picnic to get over. Now I'm in more pain than ever. Of anyone I have to lose I never wanted it to be you. I tried to warn you from the start. It's not your fault. I didn't stop your advances. I risked my chances. I rolled the deiss. Now I've lost it all. I played when I should've paused. That's the story of my life. I'm just an "Oopsie" for you. And you're just another guy I foolishly fell in love with. Don't try and make it something that is isn't. None of this would've ever happened if I would've treated you different. I'm the one who should've said No. But I don't care enough about myself to know when to say No. I'm selfish. I'm trouble. I'm impatient. I need to be alone. I need to have hoes. I can't let myself get swept up in emotion. Not with one man. It's not my disposition. You've failed me and your mission. There was never anything about me you were fixing. I'm a venomous viper who struck you once. You fell victim to my venom as the poison coarsed your blood. You were in a toxic indused stuper. Hopefully I sucked out all of the poison before returning you safely to your own abuser. You're not welcome here in my lair. Stay where you belong, with the nicer, normal folk, away from the wild, rabid, venomous killers like me. I need closure. Stay in your own enclosure. It won't be like this forever. A few more months and you'll forget me all together.

SPF 30

It was the fkn sunburn dude. There were many things leading up to that point but that tipped the scale for me. Here are all of the things you don't know and I'm going to try my best to explain things I feel you have no understanding of. First of all I'm sorry. I deeply and sincerely apologize for many things. The first being that I didnt give you a hug. I'm sorry for how much pain this has caused us both. I have to be ugly and cold to you because it's my only defense mechanism against you. I have to shut it off. 1. She'll never take care of you the way I can. That bothers me more than you can understand. I can't really explain that one to you. That's one though. I've never been married. I've also never been with one person for 20+ years. I do know I can't stand around watching you beat a dead horse for the next ten years. If something in me thought I could, its gone and now I realize I can't. It's not my place to say if you two are broken beyond repair or not but I know you're not happy and neither is she. It's hard to watch from my perspective. Then again, What do I really know? That's 2 and a prelude to 3. Two being the fact that I don't want to be a third wheel to your relationship anymore or sit here alone trying to speculate whether you two are still into each other or not. 3. I don't really know you. Wait. Let me explain. How well can you really get to know someone without spending time with them? In the time we've spent compiled together, it's grains of sand compared to the beaches and oceans of time you have spent with her. I don't know you. She does. That hurts me. That's also 4. I find myself constantly comparing myself to her. I'm not her. I'll never have with you anything close to what you two share. So, let me catch you up so far. Pain, pain, pain, and more pain for Me. Let's move forward. 5. You're never around when I need or even just want you there. The convenience for you turned into me feeling very used and often neglected. When you walk out that door, my heart hurts. You have so much on your plate whereas I'm left with myself. My thoughts. I don't have a life to go back to. You leave me in mine, right in my loneliness everyday to wait for you to come back. Sounds alot like a little bitch puppy to me. Is that what I am to you? There's more. But let me get into the fkn sunburn. The trigger. The catalyst. You more than anyone should be able to understand our time is limited therefore precious. We don't like to muddy it up with anything but love and laughter and smiles and well let's face it the best sex ever. Especially Monday sex. I miss you when I don't see you so Mondays are especially important. Now, you also know I don't have a father or lots of family and you [I hope] understand how much that shit hurts me. I hate most holidays because of the lack of family I have. Again, pain. The shit with my pops, my bro, my cuz, my people in GA, the shit I go through with BbDd. You see it 1st hand. I know you do. You see how bad it fucks me up. So, from my point of view, this is what I see. You leave me and my kids to go have a weekend out with your wife and kids and family and friends for Mother's day. Did you ever consider for once how that makes me feel? You go out and get wasted as you put it. You obviously had a great time. You talk about your boat and your truck and this and that. All your cars, your toys, your chair. You always tell me about the very things Ill never be privy to. Ever. Then.. You get this nasty fucking sunburn. Which by the way [AND PAY ATTENTION HERE BECAUSE THIS WAS THE TRIGGER FOR OUR DEMISE RIGHT HERE. READY] if you were my man, I'd slather that shit on you like a baby. I'd never allow for that to happen to you in my presence because I care that much about your health, well being and comfort. PLUS, Hell-the-fuck-O Nigguh, how tf am I suppose to make sweet love to you when you're wincing in pain. Don't give me bullshit about it not hurting. Or any other dumbass excuse. Sunscreen is probably one of THE MOST important ingredients to a happy healthy life. Jesus. Ok. So are you at least beginning to understand a little bit now of how or why I could get so worked up literally over night? I wasn't even done yet. This is a pattern of Ick by now. Can you not see what this is doing to me? I can't keep up with the infractions so I have no choice but to throw in the towel. The fkn sunburn just made me realize how much you don't belong to me. How you don't let anyone care for you the way they should. And that hurts worst of all. Maybe you are the problem. Maybe she does try to love you right but you're just too damned stubborn to let her. Sound familiar? Yea. But this show has an ending so let's get to it. To continue 5, the sunburn and the stories just solidified how much I'm not part of your life. How easy it is for you to go live your life and dot me in when it's convenient for you. Have you ever thought of it like that? Thats how I see it now. It hurts. 6. She loves you. She fights for you. She works for you. She tries. It'd be different if she didn't. You don't hold her transgressions against her and thats a beautiful thing. But then it directly contradicts us. You'll never stop. And you'll never leave her. I'm tired. I'm in so much pain. I'm flooded in it. You can't be my only source of joy anymore. And I can't be the source of her insecurities, suspicions, or pain anymore. 7. My own pain is pulling me away from you. I know you love me in your own way. But we can both feel the pull when we're not putting it all in. It's become too much for me to compete with. If I'm not working toward being with you then what is it all for? We don't even talk like we used to because we shy away from sensitive topics that involve emotions. I'd never want to become someone you have to lie to or walk on eggshells for. The reason we could never have this conversation in person is because I melt in your eyes. I'd never get half of this crap out without becoming a puddle at your feet. You'd convince me there was another way. You'd try to hold me. You'd want to wipe my tears away. You'd call me on the bullshit that this is what I'm ok with. Of course this isn't what I want but it has to be this way. I have to be mean and cold and ugly. So you can go back to being content with how things were before we ever met. Look at it this way. 11 months is easier to erase than 20+ years. You and her are dreads, you and I were loose pigtails. My own feelings for you have grown beyond my control. 8. It bothers me now to think about someone else touching you, getting your time and attention and affection. I also feel like you're either already sleeping with someone else or want to. And I'm jealous and I can't take the attention you show to all those girls. I can't shake the fact that someday you'll replace me. All of these things bother me and they shouldn't. There's more but hopefully you get the jist. That's mostly it. My best bet is to fold. Walk away while I'm ahead. While we both are. It's the hardest thing which is how I know it's the right thing. When she leaves you, look me up. I still have a place for you. Please wear sunscreen now, SPF 30 and yes, reapply it. Get the spray. Non stick, sweat proof. If you take anything away from our love affair please let it be that you wear fkn sunscreen. Take care you. Pluto Puto.

Reflection

 

I've picked up and put down my phone at least a thousand times since the start of all of this. It's so easy for our words and actions to contradict our real feelings. You can say one thing but your eyes will tell me different. When it comes to you and I, we can talk a thousand times and still feel like things were still left unsaid. I suppose I'm waiting for a missed call or text that you won't ever make or send. One saying you love me and can't live without me, and that I'm your soulmate, and we'll be together forever no matter what happens. Some days I wish you would just throw all of your inhibitions to the wind, drop everything you've ever known to come explore and roam the unknown with me. Instead, I guess I need to stop living in that fantasy. I'm always looking for a new place to call home, finding myself lost, roaming alone. Just when I think I have stumbled upon what I'm looking for, I get shown the door. I know I don't belong in your life nor you in mine. I know I can't stay in your heart nor let you stay in mine. I know you could never give me what I want or need just the same as I'll never replace your family. I know I can't be the one to quench your thirst every time you need a drink and I can't depend on you when I need to breathe. The only word to describe you and me is, tragedy. It's a tragic story where our reality supersedes our wants and needs. Wrongs and rights make absolutely no sense when you and I agree but no one else is allowed to see. I am so fucking tired of hiding what's important to me. I hate not being able to tell you what I want to say because I'm afraid of what will or won't happen next. We're holding back and it's not fair for you or me. Why would you ever say you think you love me? Did you not think about how that might change things? Sometimes things are better left unsaid. You should've never let that thought out of the confines of your own head. It's one thing for me to fall in love with someone I know I can't have but it's another to be told he loves me back. Don't you see that nothing will ever come of this? I may as well be as good as dead to you and I don't hold enough weight in your life to change that fact. The damage has been done. You have my poison coursing through your blood. This isn't an easy situation to be undone but we can't exactly just go back to how things were before. I think it's selfish of you to say you need me in your life too. I have no purpose in your life. Why express your true feelings to me when in the grand scheme of things, they mean nothing. You're never going to leave your life behind and I'll never be good enough to make the cut. I can't sort through all of the emotions I've been running through, the pressure is too much. I'm not an idiot and neither are you. You can say whatever you feel like you need to but I'll always know the truth. We're both lying to each other, to ourselves. There is no us. Keep telling yourself that what we both want is not even a possibility. Maybe lying to yourself will make things easy. Whenever you wake up and look at your reflection in the mirror every morning, when you feel your heart pulling, when you want to see me, hear me, love me, touch me, be with me but you know you can't. I want you to know that I'm feeling exactly the same. What a tragic end to something that never even began. 

Pluto is too far anyway

I've been gone for so long now I don't know how to find my way back. Regrets don't always stay in the past. They say to learn from your mistakes and not make the same ones twice. I've learned from mine alright but I always pay a hefty fine. I've heard that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but this is not what I was taught. I've been desperately trying to find my way but it seems my way is lost. I took a wrong turn back there somewhere because I was distracted by his eyes. It only took a second before we met our demise. It all happened so fast, in the blinking of an eye, we spiraled out of control and died. Now the lives we knew we had are dead and gone. The next question I have is how to move on? I know I can't stay but the thought of leaving makes me ache. I'm already in love with you and I know it will prove to be troublesome for us all. Now I don't what to do. I'm stuck between me and you. Either way one of us will be hurt. I'm putting my money on me. So I reached out to the one person who I thought might be able to help. I was deeply in love with him once upon a time and he's been collecting dust on a shelf. He was once all I ever wanted, he was all I could think about. Though our time was short, I never lost hope for something more. It's been almost a year since I've seen him last. We went out last night and I thought I'd be fine. I knew going in that I still care deeply for him. As the night grew from young to old, I realized that the spark has long since gone out. But then again, there is still that glimmer of hope. I know the more time we spend together will positively stoke the fire. I figure I was hoping he could make me feel what I used to feel so I could stop focusing so  much on you and start focusing on someone else. That didn't go over so well. Now I see I have to distance myself. He's a welcome distraction but I'm already losing traction on this slippery slope. How do I keep myself from loving you? How do I stay away? How the fuck am I supposed to convince myself that I'm ok? I guess my only option now is to play my part and play it well. I have to say goodbye to you because this won't end well. You know it and so do I. I have no real chance to be in your life and I see that now. We will just have to come up with creative ways to keep each other out. I'm really good at ruining things and sucking life from what is good. Nothing in my head or heart will ever be understood. Stay away from me, I'm begging you. I know it's gonna suck but it's the right thing to do. I guess I just wish I could take it all back because I'm not strong enough to push you out yet. My one and only defense is to be mean and ugly to you. I don't want that to be true. I wish there was another way out of this fate. But the truth is, I will never be yours and you will never be mine. It's the same fucking situation I find myself in every time. This is what I get for not being careful with my own heart. It's not your fault. Don't beat yourself up. Just keep your distance and we should be fine. I'm nowhere near ok right now but I will be. I just need some time and more late nights with my unicorn. Should we ever change our minds though, I'll be busy drawing up a map to Pluto. We can meet there and live happily ever after. Just say the word and we can leave this world behind. I'd give anything to live the rest of my life in those blue eyes.