Dear You,

Dear You,
   It's been a while since we've spoken. We haven't been on good terms in quite some time. I can admit I miss you but not the way you think. I know you miss me too but I know you miss them more. I am writing you this letter because we'll never get the chance to have a real and meaningful conversation about how we both feel. That's ok but I still have so many things I'd like to say to you. Every time I find myself dialing your number or writing you a text I remember how mean you were when I saw you last and it makes me think twice. I actually went ahead and deleted your number. It's probably best if you delete mine too. I never want to afford you the opportunity to hurt me or the children more than you already have. You've had ample opportunities to make things better between us but I don't think that's ever been on your agenda or a priority in your life. You are no longer a priority in my life but even still I wish we could share the important things. I'm brutally aware that things between us will never be the same and I'm also aware that neither you nor I are completely to blame. I'm tired of pointing fingers and trying to place blame when in reality we should both be taking responsibility for where we are today. So with that all being said, I am going to get off my chest what it is I need to say. Maybe you'll read this someday and maybe you never will but I need to write it all out because it's been weighing me down and I don't want to carry it around especially now that my man is about to get out. It was about 12 years ago when we first met. We developed a friendship that we both adored, we had a special connection unlike anything I had ever experienced before meeting you. It quickly escalated into a relationship which quickly resulted in a teenage pregnancy. At that time I was only 17 years old and you were about 19. We were both still in high school. At first I believed we were in love and I think you believed it too. I know now it was just lust and sin that kept us together as long as we were. I feel like out of 11 years you were never really faithful to me. You were cheating on me even before we ever went out on our official 1st date. You and your friends would actually bet on who could get more chicks into bed. You video taped yourself having sex with girls unknowingly. You were basically phucking any girl who would bite your line and I just happened to be one of them. I don't consider myself special. I don't feel like anything set me apart from any of the other girls you screwed. The only difference is I got pregnant. You always used to tell me how much you loved me but now I think you were just saying that so I would stay with you and not look for someone else. Back then, before we got pregnant I had so many guys that wanted a real relationship with me. Guys that today are successful, some happily married and with children of their own who are awesome husbands and fathers. I don't consider them to be regrets but I know that I would have been much happier with someone else and you would have too for that matter. You were never happy with me. You were obligated to me. You never wanted anything serious with me, you accidentally got me pregnant. Our relationship never reached it's true potential because you were too busy taking care of your own needs. I gave to you what should have been the best and most memorable years of my life. I have resentment towards you because I feel like you robbed me of that. Maybe you feel like I robbed you too but I'll never know how you truly feel. Even though I've had so many Why's over the years, I really don't have any questions for you anymore. I used to want to ask you many things but now I just want you to know many things. I trusted you. I believed you. I gave you everything I had and more. I wanted to spend my life with you. I wanted us to raise our children together. I wanted our children to have both their parents as they grew up and matured into adults. Now I'm just sorry I ever felt so strongly towards you. I regret wasting so many years trying to build up our relationship when you were constantly tearing it down. I'm sorry that after the first time I caught you cheating I was stupid enough to believe that you would not do it to me again. I'm sorry I allowed you to cause me so much pain. The truth is we never accepted Christ into our relationship and that's the main reason it didn't work out. It makes me sad to think about the christian you were brought up to be and yet when you met me instead of bringing me closer to Christ you backed away from him. Just shows how much you "loved" me. If you were already aware of the promise God has given us through his son Jesus Christ why on Earth would you not share that with someone you care about? Maybe because you never really cared about me or considered me to be good enough for God. You are not the same person I met all those years ago. You hate me today and I can't do anything to change that now. You were my best friend. I don't think you ever believed in that. I don't think you ever believed anything I ever told you. You always took every one else at face value but for some reason it was so hard for you to have faith in me or believe what I was telling you, the person who you supposedly loved so deeply. How could I have ever been the one who was special to you when there were so many others? What was it that kept bringing you back I'll never know or understand. What it was that made me keep taking you back? I'll never know or understand. If I ever did love you it was in Christ. If you ever really did love me, well I have to tell you that today, right now as it stands I don't believe you ever did love me. Ever. Never did and never will. That's where we are today. After so many years and 5 kids, we hate each other's guts and don't care to ever have a friendship or cordial relationship ever again. You've moved on. You are happy now. I've moved on. I'm not happy yet but I'm getting there. I really just wanted you to know that over the years it's become painfully apparent to me that I was always just a phuck. I was never envisioned to be "wifey material" in your head. It was never going to work out between us. You made it very clear in your actions. I never cheated on you for the record. I only ever fuckt other dudes while we were broken up and I most certainly would have been honest with you but you never asked. You always just assumed I was there como pendeja esperandote. I guess you never thought someone would be capable of giving you a taste of your own medicine. I'm sorry it had to be me. I'm sorry you were never faithful to me and that today I feel like I wasted 10 whole years of my life on someone who would shit all over the very pit of my existence. You have been nothing but a thorn in my side all these years. Never once, even in high school, did I ever feel safe and secure with you. Your family was never accepting of me or our relationship and neither the children. You never made me or the children a priority, it was always you. You, you, you and your life and your money and your needs and your wants. You tried at times but you never tried hard enough. You may have given some part of yourself to me at certain points throughout the 12 years we've known one another but the bad has always out weighed the good and for that I have nothing left of you. You used to say you weren't good enough for me and that was and still is a true statement. I have no attraction towards you. No fondness for you. No love for you. I am working on forgiveness but it's a work in progress. Nothing else remains. Nothing. I've burned the memories of you and you no longer exist anywhere except my children's blood. My heart turned cold for you and never again will I revert to that sad pathetic little girl waiting for something to click. Waiting for you to care, to change, to love your life with me and your kids in it. You have a blessed rest of your life. I'm sorry that I caused you pain if ever I did. I'm honestly sorry to have ever been such a big part of your life. I'm sorry you're a father to children who won't ever know you. From this day forward our "relationship" (if you want to call it that) for me will forevermore be considered to be a friends with benefits relationship and we just accidentally had 5 kids. That's my description of what we shared all these years. In my opinion it was never love, only lust. You never loved me in Christ only lusted after my body and we lived in sin. I'm completely satisfied with never seeing or speaking to you again as long as I live. I pray you have continued success and happiness in your life and I look forward to taking you for all your worth monetarily as you completely obliterated my financial, emotional, physical and mental worth for quite some time without even looking back. You left me for dead and I'm happy to tell you that the girl you left behind is dead because I've found Christ. Thank you for nothing except for the 5 beautiful beings you gave me. I am happy to say they are all mine and will replace all the love you stole. They have repaired the damages you've caused to my heart. I can only wish you the best in your life and pray that moving forward you will never inflict anyone with the amount of pain and turmoil you have on me. God bless. Toronto. 

Never yours, Me      

An update on Mister Cartoon

There is this guy I know named Jesus. When I met him he never told me his real name. I only ever knew him as Cartoon. This man unexpectedly came into my life one day out of the blue. I was 19 at the time. I became infatuated with tattoos and was looking for someone to do some work on me. Low and behold I had a neighbor whose man was an artist so she brought me to her house to ask him about a few pieces I wanted to get. From the moment I laid eyes on him I knew there was something special about him. It wasn't attraction at first, more like intimidation. He was wearing an all khaki Dickies suit and he was covered in tattoos. He was very tall and had a stern look about him. He was definitely a gangster, affiliated or not, I wasn't sure but he definitely had ties. You could tell just by lookin at him. The exact words we exchanged that first time we met are unclear at this point but it was related to the little winking kitty tattoo that I wanted and where I was looking to get it. Even though our very 1st conversation was about my tattoo, a small attraction formed inside of me but because he was my friend's dude I obviously had to keep it to myself. Now, anyone can argue that the things that occurred in the following weeks was "cheating" but nor myself or Cartoon see it that way and frankly we don't really care what anyone else thinks. When there is a natural attraction that flourishes between two people it is up to them both to take that attraction and build upon it or to ignore it. Due to our circumstances we tried ignoring it but the pull was magnetic, something neither one of us was expecting nor could control. Cartoon has always had this peaceful aura about him. In the few short weeks I knew him, I never once saw him become upset or lose his cool. He never yelled, he never displayed anger, he was always doing something for his girlfriend and her family. He was overall a great guy from what I gathered in such a short period of time. I could never understand why his girl was always mean to him and talked a lot of crap about him. After a while it started to piss me off because here I was 19, with two kids and my baby dad was a total a-wad. And here she was, with this man who seemed to care so much for not only her but her children (who weren't his) and her mom and brothers. I just couldn't put them together. I never pictured her with anyone like him and I just plain couldn't understand why he was with her. He was too good for her and she wasn't grateful for him at all. Apparently he cheated on her and all that mess but my question to her was what weren't you doing for him that made him resort to cheating. I never saw them being affectionate. They were not endearing or even nice towards one another. She was always constantly on him about something and I'm not a man but I can imagine the nagging gets real old real quick. It sounds like I'm biased and it sounds like I'm making excuses. What ever it sounds like doesn't change the outcome. So, back to the beginning, Toon did my kitty tattoo that same day. In fact he pushed everyone he had waiting to the side for me and started working on my tattoo right then and there. I still to this day don't have an explanation for what happened to me (or him) while I was straddled on that table staring at the ceiling while he was sitting in between my legs but all I know is something happened. Something happened to me and something happened to him. I can only explain it as a Zing. It could be that the needles from the tattoo gun penetrated a little too deep or maybe I was just looking for a companion. I don't know why I developed such a fondness for him but it was undeniable and there was no ignoring it. As the weeks passed I got my angel wings and my zodiac symbols. Then dad passed away and everything crumbled. I lost my mind and chose to move back to Georgia. I asked Toon for a memorial tattoo for my dad in the middle of my angel wings and I moved back to Ga. after that. I thought I'd never see or speak to him again. All I had of him was my tatts and an old slingshot he gave me. I could never forget about Mister Cartoon. Never did I in all the years we were apart forget about how he made me feel. He is certainly a treasure. To let go of a man like that is a true mistake. He's caring, loving, charming, intelligent and pays close attention to details. He's nowhere near perfect but that's why I love him so much. I'm flawed too. Aren't we all? He and I connected on some cosmic level, out of this World. We never stopped thinking about each other. I know it was that chemistry and magnetism, that cosmic pull that led to me finding a way back to him. After a long time, an opportunity to reconnect with Cartoon presented itself. Of course I was going to take it. I ended up finding his address and we began writing to each other. Now here we are over the course of about 4 years. I just turned 29 in March. It's been 10 good years since I've spent any real time with Cartoon. In 23 short days I will have an opportunity to finally meet this guy named Jesus I never really met all those years ago. Of course I'm going to take it. This man's presence has been heavy in my mind and in my heart for too long to just stand by and watch. I can't imagine why God brought him back into my life but if it's meant to be it is out of our control. I know maybe Cartoon and I are on different paths in our lives right now. I know that I'm not the same girl he met 10 years ago. He knows where I'm at with my faith and I can only pray he'll be willing to embrace his own. I still don't know what's going to happen or how to be any more prepared for this painstaking long distance relationship we're going to have to endure. In the next couple months we're all going to find out how it works out. I'm thankful to still have him in my life. Whether or not our relationship stays romantic or we become just friends I know he is a good person and he cares about me and my family. Nothing will ever change that. He will never forsake me. That magnetism we share still has us both captivated. Me and Cartoon. I would have never told you ten years ago we'd be 23 days away from realizing our own relationship. Here's to how it ends! Stay Tooned for Toon's Welcome Home. May 12th, 2015! Toon N TxMolasses AKA Cartoon N Cachetz

**Also, stay Tooned for my upcoming book "My Jumble" it will have Toon and I's detailed story in it titled, "Angel Wings". 

It's your choice

Four short years ago my life was so different. I was unhappy, lost in a sense, unknowing of where my life was headed or how I was going to get there. Now, 4 long years later I am the happiest I've ever been, I have begun a relationship with my one and only true God and now I am aware where my life is headed and what it will take to get me to where I want to be. I've cut ties with any anchors I was dragging along. I'm still working through some painful experiences but with the Lord by my side I know I can put it to rest for good. I will not allow my past to hinder my future. God brought me out of a volatile situation and delivered me to safety. I've been studying the book of Job in the bible and through Job's story I've been strengthened in knowing that suffering is a part of life. We should never question why it is that we suffer but instead we should ask How we should be suffering. I've learned that no matter how upright a person is with the lord that they too may suffer and experience turmoils. Job never turned on God or took his anger out on God. He was strong in his faith even though he wanted to die. His suffering was greater than anything I've ever been through and yet I have the nerve to question God. Slowly but surely I've learned that our lives are not for us. The sole purpose of life is to serve God and to do it with grace and joy. God wants us to be happy, yes, but the way in which we strive for happiness is not the right way. True happiness can only be attained by serving the Lord and serving him in gladness. God also asks us to love and care for others. He asks us to forgive and have mercy on those who transgress against us and those who we feel have wronged us. I believe that each person is on their own journey. Even though I've been through trials and tribulations of my own, I don't blame God or anyone else for that matter. I've learned that it was the choices I made that took me through the things I went through. It took me a while to realize that God was with me the whole time but never once did I call on him. In those times when I was struggling the most I know now I should have called on God. Instead I tried resolving my problems my own way which only ever led to more suffering. God is always there but we don't always call on him. Now that I'm older and have begun to inquire about God's love and am pursuing a relationship with him through his son Jesus I've noticed prominent changes in my life. Not to say I don't go through hard situations or that I haven't struggled but it is easier to deal with things now when they don't necessarily go according to plan. I know that in my lowest times I can call on God. I know that I'm not alone and when I feel the World bearing down on me I can pray. Being in a relationship with God is hard. It's hard because as human beings we live with our sinful nature day in and day out and it's hard to always choose the high route. We are programmed to retaliate when we are attacked. We want to believe we are in control of our own destinies. When someone treats us or someone we love poorly, it's natural to want them to suffer as much if not more than they've made us suffer. I used to be the queen of tit for tat. I used to harbor old feelings and had a stock pile of ammunition ready just in case anyone wanted to come at me. It seemed like I was always in confrontation and continually putting myself in situations that surrounded me with drama and mess. I'm telling you now folks, leaving that lifestyle behind was the best decision I've ever made in my whole life. Walking away from fights and holding my tongue in pointless arguments changed the outcome many times. Forgiveness is easier said than done. I still have issues and I still have questions. I still cry. I still curse. I still have trouble treating people who are mean to me with kindness. I am having major issues with forgiveness. The beauty is that we have unlimited access to the Bible which has all the answers I'll ever need. God is there for me in my struggles. He will be there for you too if you pursue him. Don't end up lost. To pursue happiness is to pursue God. He loves us all and is a very loyal God, he just wants our love and loyalty in return. It all begins with a choice. Yours. 

Unjumble my Jumble

I can't collect my thoughts lately, they're all scattered and flying around my head crazy. My jumble hasn't been this jumbled yet. There is so much going on it's hard to focus on one thing. If thinking was a juggling act my thoughts would be the balls. I can't give any one thing my full attention at all. I'm distracted. I'm clumsy. I'm anxious. Counting down minutes on the clock wishin they could speed up. Usually so well spoken I'm stumbling over my words like a toddler over blocks. I can't put a finger on how I feel but I know It's not fear. I feel like a small child waiting in line to take a swing at the pinata. I just want my turn to be blindfolded, spun around and let loose to give it my best shot. My nerves are shot. I probably need a shot. I can't say that if I swung right now I'd hit my mark. Feels like I'd be swinging in the dark. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm sleepy. I need someone who actually wants to help me. Where is he at? When is he coming back? Will my thoughts have all dropped out of my head and been scattered on the ground by the time he comes around? If waiting were a game I would have already taken 1st place. I'm tired of playing this waiting game. I'm a retired player. Have prayed countless prayers. My knight in shining armor is right around the corner. He has to gas up and refuel first. Once he shows up there won't be any more wanting to give up. He will be next to me to help fix things when they get messed up. I won't have to take care of everything alone anymore. I will finally have a partner worth fighting for. A man who will love me for me and build a life with me happily. One who won't run when things get tough. One who is strong enough to handle my love. One day we will sit together and I will let him sift through my junk. He can rewire my entire head and finally put all my jumble to rest.       

Stuff I needed to hear

I'm not old but I'm wise. I'm not seasoned, I'm experienced. I may not always make the right decision but I make the best choices for me. I am not to be judged. I am not to be criticized. I was not put on this earth for you. Sometimes we can't always control our emotions, actions or reactions. It's not the easiest thing in the world to display kindness when you're angry or show empathy when you're content. Not all things are meant to be understood and sometimes even when things are understood they can be misinterpreted. I'm not too young or stupid to know that we certainly can't control the emotions, actions or reactions of others. If it's complicated controlling your own emotions than we can consider it an impossibility to control those of others. All we can truly do for ourselves and others is to love God. When you open yourself up to the love and light of God he displays that love and light to others through you. As easy as that sounds it's still possible to lose your light and fall into the dark side. Being polite isn't always on the menu. We don't always run to God when he is calling. In fact it's quite the opposite. In the most challenging and troubling times when we should be running toward and calling on God we instead turn away from him and shut out his love and glory. It's hard to understand why we do the things we do, say the things we say, feel the way we feel but it's a human thing. Something we all have in common with each other. Feelings. Deep rooted, grown up feelings. It's so hard to keep a steady grip on the gun, finger on the trigger, without firing off a shot. I can't speak for anyone else but I like firing a weapon. It feels good. Makes me feel powerful and in charge. In control. Control. What is it about having control that drives us to make choices that aren't beneficial for anyone? I say let go of the gun. Put it down. Run from it and run to God. God is more powerful than any piece of steel or hot, flesh piercing bullet. Think before you react. Attempt in some way to harness your emotions and slow down to logically explore your options before reacting to a situation that might not even warrant a reaction at all. Leave the gun at home. Tuck those mean and nasty thoughts and feelings away in a little lock box and toss it in the trash where it belongs. We are not to harbor those types of things because they will fester and breed. Instead use the power of prayer to get them out of your mind and heart. If you want something you have to ask. The simple principles we were taught as children are it. Treat others how you want to be treated. Be kind and polite. Help others. Care for others. Be honest and trustworthy. Reliable and responsible. Love. Love more. Love hard. Love even if means you get hurt. Life is a journey and we have to navigate it as we go. Taking wrong turns is a part of it all. Even still we can get off track, get turned around and lose our way. Life will never be a perfect display of how you envision it in your head. People will never behave according to how you think they should. We need not ask why it is we suffer but instead how we should be suffering when we do. Trust God. Love him. Endure any and everything that comes your way with grace. Life is not a race, it's not a paper chase. It isn't in your face. God will provide all we have to do is ask. And at last, God is the only one who can judge. The rest is up to us.

UKRAINE I see you!

Shout outs to the Ukraine! 20 views in less than a week. Preciate that! I hope ya'll enjoy the crazy stuff I write. I am working on turning this blog into a book so if anyone is interested in that just stay tuned. The details for that will definitely be on here when it's in the works. It's surreal to think that there are folks out there around the World who have an interest in me. You guys/gals are awesome and I could only wish for your continued interest and support. :)  
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