Let's have a Picnic!

I function for the fuck of it. There is no real purpose in my hustle anymore. I do it just to do it. I have no rhyme or reason. I'm tired of pretending like there is a silver lining for every fuckt up thing that happens. I refuse to continue to put up this facade that everything is fine. I am dying inside if I'm not already dead. Jesus, if you haven't figured it out yet I am impatient. Pardon my language. I swore I was working on it. Get it. My bad, some of you might not think what I'm saying makes any sense. I can hear your questions in my head, "Isn't she Christian?", "Wasn't she just baptized?", "Isn't she saved?" Why am I so angry? Why am I so damn sad? If I am so rooted in my faith why am I so lost? Maybe if I knew I wouldn't feel the need to write any of these dumb ass blogs. Maybe I do get views from all over the world but no one actually cares about what I write. If they did I'd have friends in my life. I wouldn't be so damn sad all of the damn time. I'd feel like my life had a purpose and it doesn't. Why is it that when something upsets me I turn to this? Because I have no one to hear me out, maybe. I have built up so many people only to turn around and knock them down. I've been allowing for people to be my only source of happiness for so long that without any of them around I am lost. I let myself down too easily because I depend on every one around me to be happy. This is why God warns us not to put any weight on mankind because they will let me down every time. So here I stand, alone, on my own two feet. I know what I believe. I went as far as to take the step to outwardly show my profession of faith, yet I am still confused as to what I am supposed to do. How is that even possible? I feel like the answers have all been written down in front me but for some reason when the pencil hits the page, I mark the wrong dot anyway. I have been given so much advice I don't know what to do with. Something that stuck with me was, "if you're hanging around the wrong people and making the wrong choices, you won't get where you need to be." There are so many things wrong with that. 1st of all, what people? I "hang out" with my kids. I have no friends. I have no social life. So what wrong people do I hang out with? 2nd, "Making the wrong choices" Hahahahahahahahahaha. Welcome to my life! If I knew how not make the wrong choices, I don't think I'd be bitching about having such a fuckt up outlook on my life. "Get to where I need to be"?? I don't even know where I am half of the time so where I need to be is a foreign concept to me. Some advice! Thanks homie. I'll take everything you said into consideration, in the back of my mind, the next time I decide to get drunk and have a lap dance. Fuck! Fuck this. I am a lost cause. I know I do this too much. Go back and forth. I say I love God, then turn around and mess up. Some where inside of my DNA, some chromosomes must've gotten crossed. I belong in the mental ward. I can't make my mind up from saved and doomed. Life is waiting to die right? So what are we really doing? What a Life? What a beautiful life. The only constant I've ever experienced in this life is the bullshit and the pain and trauma. Forgive me if I stop trying. Forgive me if I gave you hope at one point. My sincerest apologies! I am royally fuckt up! Please don't look to me for any advice. I am one messed up basket case full of pain, anger, and more questions that can be answered. Meet me in the next lighting storm with a pen and a pad and I'll let you pick my brain while we have a picnic in the rain.    

Over and Out

I'm glad it didn't work out with us because your happiness is all I could ever ask for. I am doomed to be alone for the rest of my life so if at least one of us made it out alive on the other side than I am grateful for that. It seems I have the magical touch, that once a man is done fucking my life up he moves on and it all works out. Congratulations on your new wife. Congratulations on your new kid. Congratulations for your life without me in it. I'm sure we're all much better off for it. I was never happy with you anyway. As much as I want to be mean right now, and oh fuck how I'd love to rip you up. Something inside of me won't allow it. I am forced instead to take the high route, too bad I can't even get high, that'd be nice. Happy New Years! It only took 3 yrs. for me to get over you and I can't lie that shit still hurts sometimes. But you just beat the last nail into my coffin, the way you like to hit women. So, cheers to our new lives!! You with yours and me with mine. I promise that I am hurt right now but I will get over it and even though I am in a heap of steaming pain, I will be fine. I hate you right now but I hope one day you will all believe that somewhere inside of my crushed up heart I am actually happy for you. I couldn't give you babies and even though you said it wasn't an issue I knew deep down in my broken uterus that it would be. I regret pursuing our relationship because maybe if none of it ever happened we'd still be able to be friends. That part hurts the worst. I can live with all of the love and time I invested that in 6 ms time you obliterated. I can live with the humiliation of moving across the country and being forced to live in shoe box with my 5 children. I can live with being lied to, cheated on, and punched in the face. You carved your name on my heart and scratched your initials on the inside of my skull. No matter what I do now, where I move to, or how hard I try, even if I wanted to erase you from my memory bank and mind, you will forever be one of the most painful parts of my life. Congratu-fuckin-lations! I have flown off the map of your mind and have Tooned out for good. Let's just pretend like there never was a me and you. That's an easier pill to swallow. Sayonara! Que feo nos historia. The End! 

For all of you who told me I was making a mistake. You were right! I learned my lesson.  

Troublesome

Stay far away from me, I am dangerous. 
Keep your distance, I am venomous. 
Everything I touch turns to run. 
Don't touch me, I am poisonous. 
Don't come close unless you want to be hurt. 
I'll give you temporary pleasure but cause you permanent pain. 
All of my attempts to change have been in vain. 
When you see me in your path, change your course.
Take cover, I'll hit you like shrapnel. 
I have snakes for hair, don't dare look into my eyes.
My body is dynamite. 
My heart is a butcher knife.
My mind is a laser.
My tongue is a razor blade.
I'm blood thirsty. 
Hide your veins. 
I'm hideous. 
Shield your eyes.
I'm a horrendous excuse for a human life.
I'm deceitful.
I'm dramatic.
I'm emotional. 
I cry. 
I'm a fraud.
I'm no good.  
I have nothing to offer anyone. 
Run away and never look back. 
Erase me from your life. 
Pretend like I don't exist. 
Nothing good can come from knowing me. 
I'm scary. 
I'm nerve wrecking. 
I'm wretched. 
I am a wreck.
I am nothing but trouble. 
When you left me for dead, I saved your life. 

Obsessed with a ghost

 

I was hoping to hear the familiar tap on my window this morning but it was the chime of my alarm that woke me instead. I wake to the sound of your voice and images of your face in my head. I wish I could understand how you left such an indelible mark on my heart. I wish someone else would come along who could permanently erase you from my mind. I still miss you all of the time. The music still doesn't help but I relish in the soothing torturous melodies that fuel the flashbacks and memories. They're all I have left. It's more than safe to say I'm obsessed. Here we are, days from a new year and 8 brutal months later I'm still not over you. It's been months since I kissed you last but I can still taste your tongue and lips. What I would give to feel you pressed against me, hear your steady heart beneath your chest, inhale your marvelous scent. I've never experienced such a yearning. I understand why we ended but it doesn't dull the longing you left me with. I tell myself every day that you're gone, that I need to move on. The truth is evident that no one compares to you. Each time I'm with someone new, all I can think about is the time I spent with you. It was too easy to let myself love you. Now, I catch myself walking around with my face to the ground. I trace the steps we took together as if it makes a difference. I hide my tears these days in an effort not to look so damn pathetic. I don't want to remember you yet I fight so hard not to forget. Once you've had the best how is it possible to live without it? I wish I knew how to explain my feelings for you. I wish more that I didn't care to. Why must I spend time fishing for explanations to the inexplicable? If time is the key to letting you go, he isn't on my side. If moving on is the way to leaving you behind, I am walking backwards. If finding someone new is the answer to getting over you, he has taken an open ended vacation to the moon. I am a disobedient child when it comes to heeding my own advice. I'm more stubborn than a mule. I don't ever want to give you up because I miss you too much. Perhaps I feel this way because you miss me too. I miss you most. I'm undoubtedly obsessed with a ghost.

You couldn't possibly understand

My life. 

You couldn't possibly understand my life. I wouldn't expect anyone to. The things I've been through and the reasons behind why I am the way I am are all stones buried beneath the sand of time in the hourglass that is my life. I have loved. I have lost. I have given in. I have fought. I have burned. I have been burned. I still reach for the flames. Something in my nature won't allow me to tame my wild heart. It sings aloud in tune with my spirit, sometimes much too loud for me to listen to my own thoughts. I have never walked in the path of another and you have never worn my shoes. I play to win and often lose. I have survived the blues. I have been so sad for so long I recognize true happiness in it's true form. I crave to play on someone's mind, sleep in their heart, and live in their eyes; for all time. No one yearns to be alone for the rest of their lives. I want to belong to someone so they will want to be mine. Wanting gets tired. Understanding certain things in life is not required. I have my story and you have yours. I don't know why things have turned out this way for us. No one does. I don't know when I will get what I want. I don't know that if I did I would be satisfied with it. Life is constantly changing, arranging, and rearranging. What I think I want today will not be the same when I am 38. I have been lost. I have been found. I am impatient. I hate waiting. I have been told I can change that but I don't foresee it happening. I have talked. I have listened. I have taught. I have learned many lessons. I know Jesus. I know God. I know the holy spirit dwells within us. I want to know more about one person out of about 7 billion. I want to understand why I love him so very much. I wish I knew how to make it stop. I have messed up. I have failed. I have triumphed. I have prevailed. I have stumbled. I have fallen. I have overcome. I have knowledge. I want to share. I hope he knows how much I still care. I don't wonder if he thinks of me anymore. I know. You couldn't possibly feel the things I have felt. You will never know them like I do. You couldn't possibly live in my shoes. You will never experience the relationships I've had. You couldn't make him feel the way I did, even if you tried. You could never survive what I've been through. You couldn't make it through one minute of my life. You couldn't possibly understand what goes on in my mind. It is my jumbled mess, so get your own. I understand that I am me. You are on your own.  

Closure

The last time is always the last time until it happens again. 
I wasted a large majority of my time chasing when I should have been patient.
I'm filled to the brim with impatience. It's just the way I am, so eager to get to the end.
I can't tolerate stagnation. I want to be in constant motion.
I can never just be still and enjoy the view, like that of the salty ocean.
Before my sutures heal I am up and running again, impervious to the cold blood dripping from my head.
I have a problem with holding my tongue. I am a danger to myself and anyone.
My voice is a sling shot and I'm always shooting in the dark.
My thoughts are like boomerangs, leaving my mind just to turn around and slap me in the face. BANG!
I lay cold in a puddle of my own doubt until I'm ready to get back up.
I always start right up like the engine of my dad's old Ford truck.
I am so diligently focused on faking being fine.
My sanity always being chased by my insanity, running circles in my mind.
Most of the time I can't feel what I'm feeling because I am living dead.
I can't hear my whirring thoughts because to my own psyche I've gone deaf. 
I hungrily crave closure. I no longer wish to want what I can never possess. 
Studying the curvature of your jaw line, smelling your delectable scent.
Hearing your sultry voice after so long has brought to the surface my unyielding feelings once again. 
You are a race and finding closure is the finish line I have yet to cross.
Closure has become your defense and my defeat.  

Want

Dedicated to KB, a sonnet by Tim at the EA games annual Christmas party. Thanks Tim!

WANT

The forbidden fruit tastes sweetest
on the palette of our minds
when we let our brains regress to our lips upon it's rinds.

This fruit hasn't a sour spot on it
-No pesticides to wash. 
Our thoughts see all the other 
fruits - as unappealing as a squash. 

We keep it ripe, within a chiller, within 
our cerebellum
and there it lives, for all of time, 
this Dorian Gray melon.