Full Circle

I could never say that life has been easy on me. I grew up way too quick. I've always been mature for my age, even at age 6. I thought I was a grown up when I should have been being a kid. I cared about things that others my age didn't. I saw things that maybe I shouldn't. I listened in on conversations had that should have been kept private. I wanted things I couldn't have. I developed an interest in love while others played games and developed a crush. I didn't look at things in a normal way, I had a broader vision of the role I'd play. Fast forward to 17 and I was with child before I even knew what I wanted to be in my life. There I was caught in between the greatest love I was experiencing and the one I had yet to meet. It would have been easy to disguise my 1st child as a mistake but 2, 3, 4 and 5 later what can be said for them? In my only defense I thought I was in love with him, I thought we'd share our forever, I thought he felt the same and I so badly wanted us to be saved. Unfortunately it wasn't love and now we live in separate forevers, he never felt the way I did and there was nothing that could've ever saved us. We demolished our chances of being happy because Pride got in our way. The lies overcame the love we thought we shared and instead sealed our own fate. Over the years, the heartache and pain I've learned that in a relationship two people must both want the same things. Where I wanted to be safe and live inside of a warm forever together, he wanted to roam alone outside in the unpredictable weather. Now once again I find myself delving too far in, alone in a sense, forced out in the cold to roam until I find my next destination. The night I lost my light I wanted to die right next to him, just lay down beside him close my teary eyelids and never wake up again. Losing everything can make you feel like nothing. I spiraled downward into a black empty nothingness that I couldn't break free from. That fateful night turned out to be the answer to my whole life. Sometimes the thing you want the most is right in front of your eyes but the things you think you need become their disguise. I'm almost grateful now that he didn't answer my calls because now I know that he wasn't the one I wanted to comfort me at all. The person I needed that night turned out to distract me from an even brighter light that slept soundly just in the next room. It's funny how things you think you know can be so wrong until you can begin to decipher a scrambled picture as a whole. This entire time I've had another man on my mind, inside my heart but vacant from my life. It wasn't until recently that I found what I was looking for. He was the only one there for me the night that changed my life and he's still on my mind and inside of my heart but now he is the biggest part of my life. I stood there with my head buried deep into his chest and he stroked my head as I wiped my tears and he said to me without certainty that everything would be awright. I never imagined it'd be he and I. This person who played such an integral part of just one night has become my one and only true light. He shines from within so bright that I can't imagine how I was ever able to ignore his light. Now I feel like I can't even breathe until the day he is once again embracing me. I crave to share that moment once again where I bury my face back in his chest. The next time I see his face, instead of looking away I will kiss it so hard it will take both of our breaths away. I am in the most undeniable love I have ever felt in my entire life. The way he makes me feel completely annihilated anything else I ever considered to be real. He has opened my eyes, pulled me from my darkest pit and now my eternal path is lit. Our love won't ever quit, we both felt it before we even knew it exist. If this is what love is supposed to be then I've come full circle from where I used to be.

DNA

DNA = Do Not Assume

I had to laugh when I read that. You thought I'd get pissed right? DNA. Do Not Assume. Your position is a direct impact of you. You should know better by now not to bring up the dead. I am ashamed of you for linking the two. My pops was NOTHING like you. Love is unconditional, something you know nothing about. Why don't you discuss the situation with someone who knows what it's all about? Instead you sit there and think the opinion of certain people hold weight??? Is that correct? You assume the most ridiculous things when actually you don't know a single fact. You're on a daily diet of bullshit being fed to you by that thing of yours. You know very well what will happen if you try and play victim to those around you who know the reality of the situation. You refuse to review the facts with folks who know the whole story. Maybe because you already know that they know you're full of shit! Did you really think that would break me? You're pathetic comparing yourself to a man who did nothing but live for his kids. You live for yourself. A well rounded father is a good man all the way around. He is brave, smart, fun and loving. He always pays his dues but still comes out of pocket if necessary without complaining about it. He picks up his kids when he can. He'd never leave the State they were in, not even to better himself. Those are not the actions of a man but a kid. He holds a job longer than 6 months to a year, he has his own place and treats those around him nicely and with respect. He is respectful, responsible and caring. So far, this sounds NOTHING like you. Get out of your delusional head and figure it out because you could never be in the same category as my Pops. Please stop. You're in the position you are because of your own fault. Stop blaming everyone else for what you yourself have done. It's already done.

Lighthouse

Woke up clearer today. I haven't slept that well in a while. Everything is covered so I've discovered. I'm happy to say the days are melting away. I love when plans go the way they were planned. Slowly but surely I am being redeemed. It feels so good to stand beside a man and not a little boy. I get to put my hand in his and not the other way around. He vows to be true, mine and care for me the way a man is capable of doing. When I grow skeptic he is there to console my fears. He stifles my worries and lifts me higher than the clouds. I need his words to silence the roars of the negative world and he does just that. He is my weapon in combat. His influence has manned my ship. I am no longer captain on this rig. I'm taking a rest while he navigates through the night. I can trust that when I close my eyes he'll always be there when I wake. Carrying me through the wake. I'm awake. 

Dear Babe,

Hey Babe. 

I hope and pray this letter finds you safe. I've waited so long to write to you now that I have so many things to say. I could most definitely write for days but I won't make this one too long, just wanted to say hey. So how is it going on your end? Are things still the same? The other day I was rolling around and our song came on so I turned the volume all the way up and was jammin out to our Love. I can't wait to give you a big ol hug. I can awready imagine you in the driver seat of our brand new ride. Taking road trips to the ends of time. Soon enough the sun will be shining on your handsome face and you'll use my beautiful soft face as your only shade while we kiss gently underneath the over sized blue Texas sky. Can you see now how you've got my head stuck up in the clouds? I can't seem to find my way back down so I guess we can just stay here in the clouds forever enjoying this cloudy weather, together. I miss hearing the sound of your voice. I miss you so damn much I don't even have a choice. I know this won't last forever so as long as time is still ticking we'll stick it out together. I'm yours, you can claim me as your own. I've been wondering if I'd ever find anyone strong enough to weather my powerful Love and I thank the good Lord above that he brought me to you. I have so much work to do and the time is dwindling down by the steady heartbeat. As long as our hearts beat the time will keep on ticking and soon enough we'll be face to face speaking, looking into the others' eyes pausing time. You have my heart with you and I'm nothing without your love. The passion in your determination towards tomorrow is stronger than the passion I feel from your love. You make the impossible seem doable and you leave me feeling stronger than the day before. I don't understand how any of this is even possible but when I hear from you I remember the Love we share is true. It's the only thing I can believe in anymore, your love gives me purpose in this World, your faith in me keeps me strong, your yearning for me keeps me warm, your photos reassure me that you're there and your letters are a constant reminder for me that soon you'll be here. I have no more worries about anything with you by my side and our future always on my mind. I'm going to close for now but you should know I'm there with you no matter how hard the day hits or how cold the night gets. You got my heart to keep you alive, it's beating away the time. Hold on to it tight and in the meantime I'll hold yours with all my mite. I love you Baby. Until the day you become mine. 

Always and forever, 

Yours

What does the future hold?

I'm sorry I was so mad before, I'm not anymore. I'm sorry if I said so many hurtful things at one point but it's because I was hurt. I can't take back the things I've done and I won't take back the things I've said but I can accept that they were wrong and try to right my ways. I'll never be a perfect person but I can always ask God to help get back on track should I lose my way. I just want all of you to know that I realize I've made mistakes. How ever many mistakes I've made whether countless or just a few, the lessons were meant for me to learn, whether I have or not does not depend on any of you. I blame all of the pain in my life solely on myself except for losing Pops, now that one sits on it's own shelf. But everything else I know for a fact I did to myself. Trusting liars and gambling my heart on cheaters. Playing with busters and scrubs and never having a rhyme for my reasons. Never seeing the worth in myself and not listening to my feelings. I see now after all the years of pain and tears how a man should treat his lady. A relationship between two people has to be something sacred. Just like the tiny ring you put on the others' finger; a constant circle. Never to be breached by anyone or anything. I never found that in any one. I thought I was in love. Maybe even a few times but none of those fools ever loved me back, at least not hard enough. I'll always fight for the one I love but I guess none of them felt the same. It's ok. I found someone willing to change the last name, willing to carry my suitcase, willing to play the role and comfort my soul everyday. The way he says my name just makes my whole world quake and to think that when the time comes I won't have to feel alone in his embrace. Patience has not always been my strong suit but I'm willing to lace up my combat boots. I'll go to war for you. I'm a soldier. A child of God. Where he shines the light my feet will run. Sun rise after sunset he gives us everything we have. I won't do anything now that will set me back. I have a clear plan and will follow that. I will not be deterred from what I'm trying to do. Nothing will stop me from accomplishing my goals. Nothing will keep me from continuing to better my soul. Nothing can stop me from following my dreams. Nothing will distract me from God's divine design for my life. No one will keep me from what is mine. I never knew what a huge lie I was living in until one day I took a step back and repented my sins. I corrected most of them but some things you just can't change and sometimes you just have to know when to walk away. So walk away is just what I did and now my life is making sense again. I am grateful for where I've been and everything I've learned but I'm anxious for what the future holds and I'm still waiting my turn. Sooner than later that time is going to knock on my front door and I will finally get the forever I deserve and have always longed for. I now have all of the love and support I could ever need though not everyone thinks very highly of me. I wish there were a way I could change all of your hearts but I know things I've said and done will never leave your minds. I know I hurt you all at one time. I apologize. I pray for your forgiveness and as God as my witness pray you accept mine. I know now that things between us will never be the same and I am ashamed that the blame is mine. What I'm to do now is forget you somehow and let our relationship dwell in the memories. I promise to cherish the times we had, giggle when I recall the times we laughed, hope you get everything you wish to have and pray for your happiness and overall success. What will become of us now remains to be seen. When you get older you learn you have to just wait and see.