109 days and counting..

Finally ya'll. The countdown is finally winding down!! After almost 5 years of being in communication Toon is finally coming home. My man will walk out of that hell hole he's been in now for 8 years in 109 days and counting. May 13th 2015 will be the day he walks free. We will finally get to share a real embrace, kiss each other's lips without an audience, talk without time constraints or restrictions on what can be said. I'll be there when they open the gates and I'll be the first person he sees. I'll be there when he sheds his first happy tear, when he eats his first bucket of fried chicken and when he sees his family for the first time in the free world after 8 whole years. Words don't really express the feelings, emotions, anxiety that I'm experiencing with such a momentous occasion looming. Each day that passes is one day closer to the beginning of a brand new life for me and my family. My daughters don't shut up about seeing their Papi and visiting the Midwest this summer. My kids will finally have the daddy they've always dreamed of and deserve. A real man who will stand up and be there for them when they need their daddy the most. He'll be there to give them advice, kiss their foreheads before bed and make them feel safe when they need to be protected. Toon will be the man my children consider a father. We deserve our happily ever after. For now we will continue doin what we're doin, hope and pray that in 109 short days we can turn the last page on this horror story and begin a new book. We will be given a new life. God has brought us this far and I put every ounce of my faith in God that he will take us where we need to be. There is no way but up from here. It doesn't matter what happens now there is no stopping us. 109 days to freedom. 109 days to love. 109 days to the end. 109 days to the beginning. 109 days and counting.. 16 burgers to go baby!! Hahaha. Te Amo mi mor. TNT Cartoon n Cachetz I'm comin for you bayB! 

Tidal Wave

When someone rips your heart out and tears it into bitty pieces, how long does it take to get it back to beating? How long will it remain torn and tattered, bruised and battered and bleeding before it heals completely? How much pain and hurt does a person have to endure before they become numb and dead to the world? What all does a person have to go through until they're broken beyond repair? What would it take to bring them back from that type of despair? Does the amount of turmoil a person has been through directly correlate to their strength? Will it ever change? Will the pain ever fade? Is it right to feel shame? I'm ashamed I allowed it to continue for as long as it did. I feel like I wasted precious time that I can never get back again. I trusted when I shouldn't have. I learned to lean on a broken fence and in the end lost sight of what it meant to mend. I permitted another to tear me a part from limb to limb and leave me for dead in a puddle of sin. I gave in when I should have held my ground. I stayed quiet when I should have made a sound. I lost the war against myself and in turn lost someone I cared about. Now we live on opposite ends of this desolate battlefield and there is no common ground to be found. Once you've been knocked down how long will it be before you can get back to your feet? How much time is enough to mourn a death? How much time do you need to get over a failed relationship? You make me feel like I'm not allowed to take some time for myself. You make me feel like I've been easily replaced by someone else. You make me feel like it's not alright to want an explanation of why. You make me feel guilty because I still cry. I can't explain why the pain is real. I don't have the answers for why the hurt is true. Am I still in love with you? No. Nothing is further from the truth. Do I wish we would have tried harder to make it work? Nope. Do I regret letting you walk away? Not one bit. Our logic conflict and our stories don't fit. Correct me if I'm wrong but at one point in space and time we did think alike and share the same goal. Which is what led me to believe that we could revive some sort of rapport. Now it's just battles all the time. What went so wrong that prevents us from getting along? Why can't we agree that we are better people for separating? Why do the things we do and say reflect the pain? Why won't the wedge in between us just go away? For a while I thought that maybe one day we would find a middle ground but now I know that was just wishful thinking. We are on exchanging planes. It has to be a give and take. Pain is the common denominator. God is the only solution to all of our problems. I have to pray and ask him how to solve them. For now it's best to keep our distance and focus on God's mission. This way it is not my nor your decision. Let's leave things in God's hands and continue maintaining our own positions. Moving forward is what we can agree with. As long as moving forward means there is no looking back, no revisiting the past or trying to revive subjects that are dead. Moving forward looks like being nice and civilized. Thinking about the other. Caring for one another. Showing gratitude and respect. It's been a long road and it's still a long path ahead. Pace yourself and prepare yourself with God's steadfast word for what comes next. Arm yourself with his protective love and faith. The future is coming upon us like a tidal wave.   

Ruffled Feathers

Sleepless nights, tired less fights. Hop on a plane and take a red eye flight. Out of sight, out of life. Out of range, out of mind. No communication. Cut all ties. Open your eyes, recognize your demise. Your disguise is transparent, your feast; bite size. Diminutive Franchise. A foundation based on all lies. No ties. Undo your panties from their knot and quit wasting time. You're a few levels down from CEO life. You're the smallest piece of the pie, no stock, no weight, no choice to your fate. You try and make feeble attempts to change minds, change outlooks, change lives but there is no honey in your hive. You're not the queen. You have no throne, no crown, no home, none to claim as your own. You're not welcome around here. I won't allow you to create fear, tear down dreams or cause tears. It's mind blowing how hard you try to have a say in what happens with mine. Try and ruffle my feathers one more time. You have lost your mind. Your opinions don't change a thing in my space and time. I don't make plans around yours but you're forced to make your plans around mine. My life, my time, my say, my way. My faith, my place, my namesake. You pay. That part you can take. Foot the bill, clean up the spills, swallow that jagged pill. No water, don't bother. Blowin smoke, don't choke. Ruffle my feathers? Not on your life. I handle mine and you just stay on your side. When you cry out you won't be acknowledged or heard. There is no sympathy for you here, no vacancy, no room. The point is you can try to be included all you like but you will always lose. He'll lie and you'll take his word. He'll do his dirt and you'll stick around for more hurt. Funny how you're always talking about trust but when it comes right down to it you have none. My faith and my belief are more powerful than you think. I can be like you in a wink. No trust. No love. No faith. No fun. Always worried. Never full. Something missing. Nothing is right. More sleepless nights more tired less fights. You're forgetting where I've been and how far away from that life I've come but the damage has already been done. I'm on a different path and I've been moving up since all of that. I can't turn back to revisit the past. If once you had a chance to redeem yourself that chance has passed. I won't explore the subject any farther than that but if you can live with what's been done then so can I. No harm done. I put it all in the sky. You will not ruffle my feathers, not one more time. 

The Plot Thickens

When you don't see eye to eye with someone it's hard to comprehend their logic. Wanting to see it from their point of view and accepting their point of view are two very different things. Disagreements occur and there are two options, disagree or compromise. When a compromise cannot be reached, the only option left is to remain in disagreement. Well, Im tired of being in constant disagreement and I will no longer offer up any more compromises. I have been patient enough and now it's no more Mrs. Nice Molasses. It will be my way or no way. I have total control and you have none. I run the show, you just sit back and watch the plot unfold. Im sick and tired of being misunderstood. The things I say and the way I explain you take, turn and twist into something I never meant. I won't have one more word spoken for me without my permission. Basically put, Stop putting words in my mouth. When I choose my words, I choose them wisely so they should not be twisted or manipulated to mean something sideways. My story has never changed but you can't seem to keep the facts straight. There is no comparison between my situation and yours. Stop assuming how I feel because truly you have no idea. My relationship pertains to me and my family and has nothing to do with the disagreements trending. The reasons behind my feelings are warranted, which you would happily disagree with, and thats fine but stop wasting my time with your puny assumptions. The way you see things playing out are far from what will really go down. We will never agree on anything, not the past and certainly not the future. I disagree with your logic and everything you say. I disagree with your warped way of thinking and the lies you spray. You see things your way and I see them mine I have no more time to waste trying to decide who is wrong or who is right. The plan from my side is this... oh but you'll never know. I guess you'll just have to go with the flow. Do as you're told, sit back and watch the plot unfold. 

Here we go again!

Once upon a time it was here we go again. Way back then when all we knew was sin. The same mistakes made again and again. Tit for tat type of lifestyle we were livin in. I can't imagine my own children doing some of the same things I did. My way of thinking was twisted from the beginning. I had no idea what it was to count my blessings or anything about repenting. I didn't know what I could inherit in exchange for my soul. I wasn't aware that God opens his hands to those who are lost and are looking for a way out. That all we have to do is reach up and cry out, run into his open arms and let go of every doubt. When you harbor anger in your heart it makes it impossible for God to recognize your shouts. God will not reside in or near the presence of hatred and anger. If you have hate in your heart God will not hear you out. Unless you're willing to be saved and give your life to Christ you will see no positive changes in your life. It becomes exhausting seeing the same things over and over again. Do not be deceived; God is not mocked. He can't see you unless you've accepted Jesus into your heart. He can't help you if you continue to shut him out. You and you alone must hold accountability for what comes out of your mouth, your actions and whereabouts. Living in the flesh you will reap what you sow. He who is without sin cast the 1st stone. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. Love everyone as you love your self. When you see those in need offer them help. Life is what you make of it and everyday you have choices you're faced with. You can say yes to the flesh or follow the holy spirit, try and make your own path or continue seeking his promise. I need God by my side every day of my life to continue to guide me through my daily battle between wrong and right. What God offers us is real, don't miss your opportunity to face what you feel. Everybody has a choice. Here we go again. Our choice is clear, start choosing right or continue to live in sin.