Go to girl

I don't care to be that girl anymore.
You know?
The one who is always there to open the door.
The one you call after you get into it with your girl.
The same one you always run to because you know she's always alone.
The one your girl considers to be a hoe.
The one you know will always be there for you no matter what.
The one who wants you but whom you don't want.
The girl who is only good enough for a fling but never the real thing.
The one you are so quick to give your body to but when it comes to your heart you keep that on lock like Fort Knox.
The one you could like but would never love.
The one you tell your problems to but don't care to know hers.
The one you will let do favors for you but never offer your help to.
The one who you tell you care so much for but never show.
The one you never introduce your friends to so you can keep her for yourself.
The one you only take out when the sun is not up.
The one you're willing to risk everything on but don't want to give up.
That same silly girl who has always been there and probably always will.
The girl you can live to regret but will never forget.
The one you can live without because it doesn't matter how she feels.
The pain kills her and she never heals.
No, I don't wish to be this girl anymore.
Not for you, not for him, or not for any of them.
I deserve much better than what any of you could ever give.

Beer mugs and coffee cups

Every time I tell myself I can't do this anymore I remind myself how important it is for you. Intertwining two lives sure is a helluva lot easier than untangling and pulling them apart. What is Love without a platform to display affection? There are many forms of love. I want to show you mine but that's not what you want. So I have to bottle it all up and put it on a shelf. When I run out of space I'll pour it down the drain and start all over again. I fear it will never run out and I'll have to dump it out. Such a waste! Now that a little bit of time has lapsed I realize that I will never get the opportunity to fill you up again. With all of the various beer mugs and coffee cups in the cupboard I suppose you feel I have my options open. Sure there are plenty to choose from and yes I could drink from any one but that doesn't mean it's what I want. Will you ever care about what's best for me? Like a thief, you pulled me from my glass cabinet, dusted me off, shined me up and admired my beauty. You filled me up and drank from my love maybe once or twice. Then one day you dropped me and I shattered in front of your eyes, right there at your feet. It took no time at all for you to grab a broom and sweep my jagged pieces into a neat little pile. You scooped me up, dumped me into the trash and never ever looked back. I know I was broken. I know the damage was indisputable, irreversible; I was in an irreparable state. I get all of that. I do understand but you didn't even flinch. You didn't sigh or yelp. You didn't try to catch me as I slipped out of your hands. You didn't think twice or make any attempts to see if there were even a remote possibility to put me back together. It hurts to my core that you didn't try. You simply gave up on me. I could've cut you deep and made you bleed but revenge is not what I need. Seeing you in pain could never bring me peace. All I wanted was the chance to fill you up as you did me. I wanted to continue to enjoy your warmth between my hands. I crave the flavor of you on my tongue. I miss pressing you against my lips to sip you slow. I promise with all of my heart that I am trying my best to forget how delicious you are. The time I spent in your hands was so pleasurable that I wish you could understand this is not easy for me to do. Not want you. I love you so much and I hate you so badly at the same time. No matter how hard I try not to think of you all of my thoughts pool like a puddle of you in the middle of the floor. What a mess! Unlike you so quick to sweep up the remnants of me and throw them into the trash I will leave you all over the floor as a reminder that once upon a time you were here. It wasn't just a dream though that would make this easy. You still exist for me. Seems as though I have become just a distant memory. I have no other choice rather than to live with it but you are that tall drink of liquid gold I'll never forget.   

Ten to One

We've all heard or have used the term, "the one" before. Well I don't personally believe that is a thing. There are entirely too many human beings on this Planet Earth of all ages and cultures for every single man and woman to be predetermined to end up with another specified single man or woman. Not to mention the in-betweeners of which I will not delve. I've had my fair share of attractions over the span of the last 15 years and I am still single. I've yet to be found and have yet to find one man who matches my urge to not be single anymore. My friend and I were having a conversation about relationships and she kept using the term, "the one". I paused her and asked if we could discuss this term in depth because I am extremely curious to know why people actually believe in "the one". My theory is this, instead of there being one person for every one there are more likely at the very least ten people who could potentially be "the one". To further explain my theory and cushion the blow of significant break-ups in a persons' life I came up with "the ten". I hear people all of the time say things like, "What if he/she was the one?" and "What if the one has already come into my life and I didn't know it was them?" or post break-up say, "He/she was the one." All valid feelings but all very depressing thoughts to wrap one's mind around. We've all had these same thoughts at one point or another and if you haven't then you're the exception to the rule I can assure you. It makes more sense to me that more than one person could make me happy and fall in a long lasting, forever type love with me. I refuse to live out the rest of my days feeling like I failed at finding "the one" when I know for certain I can love and be loved. Putting all of the pressure on one person when there are so many people seems very close minded. I personally want another shot at love so I will trust that in this World there are at least 10 men who would be happy to call me "the one" and vice-versa. I believe that for everyone and that makes our odds so much better. Don't you think? Love is already such a complex and perplexing emotion but for some reason we as humans like to complicate an already complicating ideal with ideas such as "the one". Why put yourself through that? This is when I thought to myself instead of allowing one person to ruin the perfect image of a lifelong love, relationship, or soul mate to have and hold forever and ever why not open up the slots of opportunity? This theory of possibly having ten matches wandering the World in search of my heart as opposed to just one is so much more acceptable. I have met and been in relationships with men who I thought were "the one" and those relationships crashed and burned. Am I supposed to just live with the fact that my one has come and gone or can't I still have hope that he is still out there just as lost and lonely as I am? I prefer the latter. I wouldn't consider myself to be an optimist however in matters dealing with love and the heart and "the one" or in my case "the ten", I prefer the cup half full. Now some of you may have jumped ahead of yourselves and asked the pertinent and perhaps obvious question; "What if you go through only 5 people and number 6 turns out to be "the one"?" What happens to the other 4 right? Wrong. If every one person has ten potential matches then my previous 5 and unknown 4 have only eliminated 1. See? In my World there is no such thing as "the one". 2 of my 10 are currently with their matches or are still searching. I have 8 more chances to find a life long love. I believe he's still out there. At least now I have better odds of actually finding him as he does finding me. Obviously this is just my personal theory and opinion of "the one". No one has to agree, adopt my point of view or even humor me in the slightest. I just wanted to share my outlook on "the one" because of the conversation my friend and I had. We both left with a little more hope because we've both been heart broken and both feel like we've loved and lost our ones. I am positive she and I aren't the only people in the World to feel that way. Love hurts. It can be bitter and leave you broken, wounded and scarred for life but it is also the most coveted possession and can be absolutely beautiful, amazing and, well worth the wait. Who doesn't want to find love? Love takes patience and above all honesty. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it just doesn't. Don't hold onto something or someone that isn't right. You could potentially be robbing yourself or someone else of their true mate. Some people may have been lucky to find true love the 1st time and they're the exception. I will say this, if you truly feel like you've been in love 10 times or more and still haven't had luck, just keep pushing the number higher. If 10 chances didn't/doesn't work for you, maybe you need 50 or even 100. My point is to never give up on love. There is someone special out there that will make you happy and love you for you unconditionally. Don't get so wrapped in finding the right one. Love is trial and error sometimes. When it's right it's right. There are far too many beautiful people in this World for you to be crying over "the one". The one only exists if there are many. It takes 2 people to make love work not just one. Obviously once you find someone who fits they become "the one" but what if it doesn't work out? Don't close yourself up to finding someone else who will fit just as good if not better. "The one" is just an idea it's not a real thing. Love is real. Focus on finding "the love" not "the one" because they can always turn into "the 2nd, 3rd, 4th or 5th". Given the choice of 10 to 1, I choose 10 but in the end I choose love to "the one".

Garbage

Get out of my head and come lay in my bed. I gave you up but I want you back.
You are a f****** jerk for doing what you did. You left me for dead.
You played with my emotions and tossed me like a pebble into the ocean.
Now you expect the impossible from me.
You want me to act like you mean nothing.
I am unclear of what your expectations are sayin.
I can't read your beautifully fuckt up mind.
You want me to disappear but given the opportunity you'd prefer to keep me near.
How twisted are you inside?
I feel like a discarded piece in your game of life.
Do you even care what you've done to mine?
I can't imagine what goes through your head.
Perhaps just a bunch of nothingness.
I completely feel used. I still feel played.
In my world you're everything and in yours I am nothing.
You know I wish you all the best.
Wear your armor proud and stay strong.
While I stand here alone and naked in a crowd.
It's apparent to me now that you don't give a fuck if I jump.
You won't even notice when I'm gone.
Like yesterday's trash, just toss me out.

Still Mine

In my mind you're still mine.
I held you in my arms at one time.
Moments frozen in my mind.
Thoughts I have of you can't be taken away from me.
You live in my memory.
There you will always remain.
When I met you my life changed.
Nothing I do now will ever be the same.
You left your mark on me.
A scar I will always carry.
A pain to cherish for it never fades.
I love you to our universe and back again.
I miss your face.
Your embrace.
You'll always be mine.
Spend your eternity with me.
I found you like a treasure in a sea of poverty.
You always meet me in my dreams.
Punctual and pristine.
We dance along to all of our songs.
I in beautiful white fluff and you handsome as ever in your tux.
I wish I could just sleep forever.
You encircle me with your energy.
Your eyes burn into me.
I drink you in slow to savor the taste.
I know you will be gone when I wake.
I don't even have a picture of you.
The only images I have of you are kept safe behind my eyes.
I love you more and more every day. 
What a beautiful mess we made.
You will forever be mine.
My Sunshine.




I'm not happy. I can't live without you. I love you. You belong in my life. If I am a safe mountain you are not dynamite. You are gold. Please find a way to come home.

Liars

I need you.
I miss you.
I want you.
I want to be with you and only you.
I'm afraid to let anyone else in.
I'm afraid to open myself up to the next person because I know I'll always have you on my mind.
In my heart.
Life is so unfair.
You are it for me.
I feel it deep in my soul.
Soul mates.
Why don't you get that?
Tell me you don't feel it.
Every single day.
Tell me I'm crazy.
Go ahead.
Tell me you don't think about me at least once every single day.
I know you feel it.
It's too strong to deny.
You let go too soon but I live in your dreams.
You try hard not to think of me but I run through your mind all of the time.
This is a sick game.
I never signed up to play.
Tell me how we are so intertwined yet stay so far apart.
I know you have your life.
I have my own.
Nothing is the same anymore.
Distractions are there but they're a bore.
No one compares to you.
No one will ever compare to me.
We are lying to ourselves.
I want you to be happy.
You said you wanted the same for me.
So we are contradictory.
Stop lying to yourself.
Tell me the truth.
I'm not interested in what is in your head.
Tell me what is in your heart.
You are what makes me happy.
I don't know what makes you happy.
I guess I'm still waiting for you to tell me.
Stop lying and maybe I'll tell you my truth.

Square One

I've heard so many things now. I don't  know what to believe. I've eaten so much BS I'm no longer hungry. I've swallowed so many lies I'm not sure my appetite will ever resume. I've tried pushing forward. I've tried falling back. Nothing seems to work. I'm stuck. No one seems to ever be around to offer a friendly nudge or pull. I'm always standing so close to the edge. I can't decide whether to jump or not. I'm always hoping a strong gust of wind will come knock me off. Such morbid thoughts always dancing around in my head. How can a person have such powerful urges to die while already feeling so dead? I'm one whisper away from consulting with the voices in my head. Perhaps I already do, insanity is nothing new. All the best people are crazy, some more than others. I went down to the tracks yesterday. I walked along until I heard the familiar sound of the locomotive yell. I kneeled down and placed my hand on the track. As I did, the thought passed through my head, would being hit by a train be a quick or slow death? Soon enough it was barreling down the tracks towards me. I stood in it's path and could feel the vibrations beneath my feet. Instead of fear I was struck with anger. I was angry at myself because I knew I would move off of the tracks just in time. It's not my time. Not for me to decide. As it rushed by I wanted to reach out and touch the blurry cars. I just stood there and watched it pass by, similar to my life. Hardly a riveting brush with death. I don't have an explanation for why I do these things or have these thoughts. Life can be enjoyable if I give it a shot. I don't know why I'm so intrigued by death. When the World is so cold I suppose death is just more inviting. Waking up and going to sleep and doing everything else in between alone every day gets severely boring. People keep telling me I need to embrace this opportunity to focus on me. Utilize this time alone to work on myself and become better. Well what was wrong with me before? Am I that terrible of a person that I've been banished to solitude to fix all of my inner issues? Having freedom you don't know what to do with is daunting. I have more free time that I know what to do with. It's absolutely depressing. Where are all of my friends? What happened to my social life? I'm tired of asking when my kids will be back. I live in perpetual sadness. They say actions speak louder than words. So what else do you do when you've done everything there is to be done? My actions have not changed the outcome. I'm back to square one. When I finally get bold enough to jump tell mom and the kids I love them.