Pink Rose Petal

He loves me, he loves me not, pickin' petals from a pink rose he bought me for my birthday once. He denies me with his words but I can see the lies behind his eyes when he looks into mine. You can't hide when I'm standing right in front of you. He pushes me away at every opportunity but pulls me close when we embrace. You wouldn't squeeze me that way if you didn't want to. You wouldn't tolerate my presence at all but you do. Why do you when you know you're not supposed to? Isn't breaking one rule the same as breaking them all? He says things that hurt my feelings but I can't tell if he does it intentionally. You said you wouldn't be mean then again you said a lot of things. I don't know what I'm supposed to believe. If life were a playground we could be found spending our time on the see-saw because we never balance out. Someone will always be up while the other one is always down. My head is wandering up in the clouds while your feet are firmly placed on the ground. How is he so strong? Why can't I be like that? Oh right because he already has someone to keep him warm at night. I hate living in this cold, painful reality. He doesn't see the damage he has caused me and the pain he has planted inside of me like a seed of sorrow it grows with every passing sun. He doesn't care to know the way I feel about him and he's made it clear that he will never reveal how he feels about me. You have bottled up every single tear drop that has ever formed on my lids and fallen down my cheeks along with your thoughts of me and you've buried them somewhere deep never to be found, silenced in the ground. He doesn't love me but he's always there. He doesn't want me but he pretends to care. He desires me somewhere inside but he traps it in like the darkness traps the light. I'm constantly overthinking everything and I wish I could stop. Only you can make it stop but I can't bear to watch so please be gentle. Instead I'll keep counting the seconds on a broken clock even though we both know our time is up. The vacancy sign in my heart won't ever change to occupied. He left a tiny puncture wound that will forever seep with the love he left in my heart's vast emptiness. He's gone forever now but I see him everyday and it's the most glorious painful thing. A ghost in the shell of the man I would treasure to keep for my own. I can only hope it was real for him and not just a dream for me. The minute memories will fade and he prefers it that way or at least that's how he makes it seem. I want him so badly to want me but he loves me not cries the last petal from the pink rose he bought me for my birthday once. It shriveled up and turned to dust before it ever hit the ground. Forget me not somehow, I prefer lilies now.

Broken girls

Poor broken girls, look at us, clinging to anything that moves. Swooning for flashy smiles and shiny eyes. Always so ready and willing to dive. We are ladies in waiting. Awaiting our turn to play and be played. Sitting on the bleachers scanning the room for a guy to pick us out of the crowd for a dance. Is it so preposterous to think that someone may actually show interest? We're broken and we know it so we think everyone else can see it too. We feel the need to settle for less because who would ever want us? Right? Nah. That can't be true. Pshhhhh. We're worth just as much if not more as any other unbroken girl. The trick is to convince ourselves. Instead we gamble on mind games and come up short. We put our trust in faulty plans then wonder what went wrong. Confident through the roof one moment then down and out the next. We bathe in self-pity while trying to look pretty. We look for this perfect 10 who doesn't exist because it's a distraction tactic we use so we don't have to commit. We find flaws in ourselves that aren't really there and look for flaws in any guy who comes near because we're terrified to be broken again. We're so afraid that he'll see the brokenness and leave before anything serious begins. Some days we're hopeful for love. Most days we wonder if it even exists. We walk along a crooked path aiming straight ahead. Life is a sad love song for broken girls. We sing along with every word like the song was written especially for us. We want so badly to believe that there is someone special out there. We yearn to breathe that breath of fresh air. We live in a bottomless pit of hope. What more is there to do than wait? It's hard to move around when you're broken and in pain. Somehow we get along anyway and find clever ways to disguise our broken souls. We smile like there's no tomorrow. We go out on pointless dates and give ourselves time and time again to men who aren't worth their weight. The only benefit we reap is the momentary affection we receive then it's back to sweeping up broken pieces like Cinderella except we don't end up with a lucky fella. Broken girls are fascinating creatures. Our lives are like kaleidoscopes made from all of our broken parts, reflecting light in the dark portraying glimmers of hope. We somehow are able to stay afloat in the flood of our own tears. We remain positive through the stormiest of atmospheres. We wrestle with our doubt until we are victorious. We hang effortlessly by the last thread like a ribbon dancer on a stage. We hold onto the last glass shard until we see bloodshed. We are the girls who stay put until the very last song has been played. We stay to the end of everything or else what's the point? Beautiful broken girls, look at us, waiting for the day when someone comes along and makes us whole again.

Love

"'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Alfred Lord Tennyson


Would you agree with that?
How many scenarios in your life can you apply this quote to?
Love is so tricky to navigate isn't it?
It changes on a dime unpredictable like the weather hot one moment then cold the next, tranquil then tempestuous.
Love is a deep ocean of emotions and secrets that sometimes never surface.
Why is it so scary? The pain maybe?
Love is bliss but boy can it cause serious damage.
In my experience it always goes from 0 to 100 in seconds then crashes and burns almost as quickly as it all began.
The only love that has never let me down is the love I feel from the Holy Father above, my parents and my kids. I have no doubt that kind of love exists perhaps because I've never had to question it.  
Love from the opposite sex however has given me a much different experience.
At one point I stopped believing in it. I figured it was just chemical like animals and pheromones.
The moment I laid eyes on my child I knew the love I felt from her father could never be compared.
Which raised the question, how do you know when it's real?
It's a feeling isn't it? Deep in the pit of your soul.
I thought I felt that. A few times now for a few different men. I don't feel like it was ever reciprocated though and that's excruciating. I realize now that love has different levels. There are apexes, plateaus and valleys. I know I've been loved but I question how much? If it was powerful enough then why didn't it sustain? Why did it come to an end? Why has it always faded and died? Why do I still feel it inside? What was it that they felt? Did they feel anything?
As difficult as it is to gauge your own feelings wouldn't that make gauging someone else's purely impossible? If someone tells you they love you how likely are you to believe them?
I don't want to go through life with the thought that my heart has been closed off to love the entire time. I also don't want to deplete my love supply on guys who aren't able to reciprocate and refuel my tank. I happen to agree with Mr. Tennyson's quote. I have loved and lost and though most times it ended in hurt I've learned. I still love them to this very day and I don't believe it will ever truly go away. Love gets trapped in the heart and once it's found it's way in there is rarely ever a way back out.
Love is fuel for our souls.
Love is worthy.
Love is good.
Love teaches.
Love stays.
Love knows.
Love.

Just another today

I feel like writing but I've got nothing to say. I allowed him to break my heart again today. Shame on me. I'm obviously not one to learn from my mistakes. I stroke the fire over and over like it never gets old being burned. I've even set my fake nail on fire. I'm the kid who lets my ice cream scoop fall to the ground because I only licked it on one side. I'm the one whose balloon flies off into the sky because I was too stubborn to let mom tie it around my wrist. I'm the kid who gets lost in Fiesta because I didn't stay put when my mom told me to. I'm the one who checks out a Library book with the pages ripped out. I lost my favorite clear sandals at the lake. I'm the one who leaves my favorite pair of shades in someone's car and of course they didn't know which ones I was talking about. I let the dog out and it never came back. I put grandma's favorite glass dish in the microwave cold and it cracked. I'm the person who buys a flashlight but forgets to buy batteries. I lose one of my brand new diamond earrings in a dark movie theatre. I put sugar in the wrong person's tank because the cars looked the same. I stand when everyone else sits. I clap when it's inappropriate. I reach for my red wine and knock it over on your Grandmother's vintage lace table cloth. I try way too hard. So I've been told. I laugh too loudly at the wrong time at the most unfunny of jokes. I am the punch line. If there are buttons to be pressed I will be the one to push them first. I'm the one who can never let anything go. I like revisiting the past. I am good at bringing up awkward and uncomfortable topics mid-chat. I invite too many people to the party and don't have enough food or have to go back to the store for ice. I listen to my music way too loud. I think I have a great singing voice but sound like shit. I'm the one who keyed the car so hard I broke my own key and couldn't drive away. I am the person someone warns a tire looks low and drives on it until it's completely flat but I never run out of gas. My phone is always charged but I never carry cash. I'm the one who is always 30$ short for everything but always has fresh shoes and ink. I'd rather have what I want than what I need. I'm blatantly greedy. I've been told I'm needy though I don't agree. I will go after what I want and suffer the consequences more often than not. I'm the most impatient person I know. I know. I'd rather walk in the rain than take the ride. I get better reception outside so I step out to make a call and get locked out. I fall in love way too quick. I'm too intense. I'm obnoxious. I can take a hint but prefer to ignore them. I paint my nails and fall asleep before they dry. I take everything to heart and tell others to take everything with a grain of salt. I lather the children in sunscreen and bug spray and end up getting burned and bitten. I like to spit when I smoke and I like to smoke when I drink. My bad habits are intertwined like star crossed lovers. One doesn't exist without the other. I have a bad mouth. I'm the one to curse in front of your mother and get drunk with your father. I may never learn what it is to be proper. I'm too touchy-feely. I speak my mind to the point where it gets me into trouble. I gamble with my own feelings. I can try to raise the kids better. I'll give them only the best parts of me and do my very best to shield them from the rest. I wish they'd give them back. I'm always the one who ruins the surprise. I hate surprises. I try not to make promises. They're too often and easily broken. I'm honest to a fault. I'd never get away with anything because I'd always get caught. I am the one who doesn't see the rock and trips and falls. I am the one who gets my car towed because I park where ever I want. I'm the one who rambles on when no one cares to hear. I'm afraid of the ferris wheel. I talk to myself if no one else is in the room. Most of this is made up but some of it is true I'll leave the deciphering up to you. I was just in the writing mood. I told you I didn't have anything to say but you decided to read this anyway.

Make me different

How'd he do it?
He made me different. 
He broke me.
I'm broken.
Lost in a sense.
I can't say I blame him.
It's not like it was on purpose.
It was high time for a change anyway.
I was sick of myself.
I never listened to the way I felt.
The life I've been living was bad for my health.
I was like second hand smoke to those around me.
When cancer is found the only way to get rid of it is to cut it out.
He made me realize I needed to be cut out.
My presence was like a contagious disease.
Infecting any one around me.
I couldn't be spread any longer.
I had to be quarantined.
Contained.
Terminated.
I don't think he meant to do it but he did.
I've completely changed my outlook on everything.
Pain.
Relationships.
Feelings.
Friends.
Love.
How I see the World.
The way I treat others.
The way I treat myself.
How could someone I barely know impact me so?
I still don't know.
I've come to accept I probably never will.
It doesn't matter now anyhow.
He had the power to make me different somehow.
I don't want for the same things I used to.
I want to be good.
If not for him, for someone new.
My focus has shifted.
The weight I've been bearing has been lifted.
He did it.
I am different. 

Voracious

Awaiting the pin prick
A drop of blood forms
A tiny droplet drips
A shark is on the scent
She finds her prey
He lured her in
She circles in wait
He never saw her coming
She is mighty in her feat
He had no chance of escape
She devours her meal
He was her favorite flavor
An average story
Always ends the same
A predator and a prey
A voracious appetite never satisfied. 

You

What if I told you that I'd wait forever for you and that if forever never came that I would remain alone for you? What if I asked you what love is to you and how you knew? Would you tell me the truth? What if your heart was telling you one thing but your life was telling you something different and you knew that if you were to listen to your heart you would be saved? What would you do then? Would you cave? Would you give in? What if you could tell that what you have is not a sure thing and that what you could have would be true? What would you do? Would you let go and try something new? What if I told you I would protect you and that I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you? How would that make you feel? What if I said to you that I loved you and that I only wanted to be with you? How would you react to that? Would you even care? What if I told you I would take care of you in every way and that you would never want for anything with me? Would that prompt you to think about everything? What if you look in the mirror one day and realize you're not completely content and that you knew you needed a change? Would you look for me? Would you call my name? What if I told you I have already given you my heart and that I didn't want it back? Would you throw it away in the trash? Would you leave it gift wrapped on my doorstep? Would you want to keep it? What do you think of me? What if I told you my feelings for you were real and that if you took them serious you would realize yours were too? Would you deny it or tell me you love me back? Would you go on like nothing had changed? Would you come to my rescue? What if I told you that you were just a dream and that you've never really existed? What if I could prove it? Would you believe me then? What if I disappeared? Would you remember me? Would you think of me from time to time? Would you wonder where I was and if I were ever coming back? Would you miss me at all? Would it make you sad to not have me around? What if I told you that I'd wait forever for you and that if forever never came I'd still be here? If you asked me what love is to me and how I knew, I'd tell you the truth but I know I wouldn't have to because you already knew.

Perception

The boldest pain is the one no one ever sees. It dwells deep beneath the surface like a monster of the sea. It waits patiently to feast. It festers and grows rampant like wild weeds. It crushes everything in it's path. It blinds the eyes and takes over the mind. It steals all of the focus and robs all of the senses. It's the songs that play on repeat. It's wanting to reach out but always choosing to retreat. It's the tears fought to keep at bay. The welling that has no escape. Walking away when you prefer to stay. It's laying alone at night. It's dreaming of their face. It's seeing them and pretending to be ok. It's feeling crazy and pathetic. It's going over everything they said until none of it makes sense. It's losing who you once were. Losing the thrill. The wanting things to be different. The sitting awake reminiscing. It's becoming accustom to tasting salty tears. It's realizing your greatest fears. It's losing the only thing that ever came close to making you remotely happy. Having nobody. Having someone who doesn't want to have you. It's all of the unanswered questions. The guessing. The relentless waves of unwanted emotions. Being swept asunder. The never knowing. The idea of never. This pain that no one ever sees hurts the worst. It's rabid like a feral wolf. Always sitting in the darkness ready to attack. It's loving someone who doesn't love you back.

Placeholder

What if all he'll ever be to me is a placeholder for where you are supposed to be?
Nice for a spell but no comparison to what we share.
Sweet and polite but never just right.
Handsome in his own ways but he doesn't have your eyes.
Keeping warm the spot in my heart that I have already reserved for your love.
I don't know that you'll ever return to claim your rightful throne.
You're the only Arthur to my stone.
He's bright but you illuminate the darkest parts of me.
His fire could never imitate your flames and paint shadows all over me.
He could get me started but he could never keep me going.
He can make me smile on the surface but you entertain my soul and my spirit.
He stirs my curiosity but you stir all of my senses.
He's only temporary but will you ever become permanent?
I like him sure but I love you more.
He's here now and you're out there somewhere still.
While my eyes are fixed on him my mind is focused on you.
While my hands are on his skin my nerve endings fiend for you.
It's his voice in my ear but it's your voice down my spine.
My heart doesn't stop crying for you.
I can't quiet down my mind.
All he'd ever be to me is a placeholder in the space of my life where you are meant to live.
Sucks for him.
Sucks worse for me.