I got my T-Shirt

I chunked a rock and he picked it up. But then he threw right back, in my face. But I knew he wasn't going to agree to talk to me. He just wanted to hear what I had to say. I guess it's in the dirt now. I got my t-shirt this morning. I am done. I'm satisfied. I'm officially back. Fuck that guy! I'm over that prick. I'm too much for him. I was stupid to have ever given him a ride in the first place. Now he can live with it. He can keep the rest or leave it in the past. I don't really give a fuck. You can have the memories, the laughs, the playlists, the pieces of my heart you broke off. I don't need any of it back. Keep all that worthless shit. I'm moving onto the next asshole who is gna break what's left of my heart. Or who knows, maybe I'll luck out and find someone who knows what real love is about. I won't hold my breath though. For now if I want dick I'll get it. As for the rest of it, stay tuned. It's always somethin' to come back to. Another story to be told. In the end, I won. I got my way, as I always do. He's lost me for good and his T-shirt too.

For KMB. All things come to an end. Here's to lookin' at you kid!

Drinking to Conclusions

Rhianna said to pour it up. Jamie told us to blame it on the alcohol. Drake asked you to take a shot for him. Why is it that drinking gives us such confidence to do and say the things we normally wouldn't? I was never a big drinker when I was young. Until I met my 1st tequila shot. It was an instant connection. You could say tequila warmed my heart. I remember when I used to drink for fun. Now it seems to be a pass time. A horrid habit developed to go numb from unyielding pain. I don't even enjoy being drunk. I don't know why I drink so much. Passing out at the base of a toilet on a cold bathroom floor is not my idea of a good time. I'd rather be cuddled up in bed with the love of my life. But for that to happen he has to exist first, right? I have grown to love a cold brew though. Lime and salt to top it off. I love a good michelada as much as the next Mexican. But I'll settle for brunch with bloody Mary. And what is breakfast without mimosas. I can't count how many times a few screwdrivers have bailed me out of a fucked up situation. Or how many times I sat around, counting coins with a bottle of crown. As if I'm not an emotional person already, I'm steady filling up a cup. I'll never forget waking up in the tub because that Hypnotiq and Goose fuckt me up! 21 was definitely one for the books. I figure nowadays, having a glass of sweet red is better than listening to the sadness in my head. I'd rather sip whatever is in the bottom of my cup instead of letting the tears drop. I'm cool with So-Co and sprite or Jack n Coke. I'll take a few shots of rum, as long as I can chase it with some hope. I like pickle shots and dirty martinis even though vodka seems to never agree with me. Tequila makes me happy, vodka makes me mean. Jager bombs leave me somewhere in between. I can sit around for hours around a cool bottle of caramel whiskey on ice. Making toasts to myself about my health, wealth, and success. Drinking to conclusions about the past and what I should've done different. Twirling the melted ice in the bottom of my glass, wonderin' how I've made it this far. Reminiscent on better times. I question if I've already lived the best times of my life and if whatever I'm sippin' on at the time is going to dictate my next move. Until then, I pour one more because Rhianna told me to. I tell Jamie not to worry about what I'm doin' but that I know who to blame should I need to. Then I down 3 more shots, one is for Drake, one is for me, and that last one is always for you. Salute!   

Strangers in the same Bed

You used to look at her that way too. When things were good. Remember when she used to trust you? Now she questions every little thing you do. You used to be able to sit in each other's presence, comfortably, in lovely vibes. Now it's just awkward silence between you most of the time. The attraction was magnetic at the beginning, even your friends could see it. Now those same friends just don't say anything to avoid the subject. You could hack the tension with a machete. Both of you questioning when things grew different. Things started to fall apart and you let temptation get the best of you. Her instincts told her the truth, you didn't have to. Now the ultimatums start flying around and your broken promises hit the ground. Nothing will ever be the same again. You tried going back to best friends. Tried mending the wounds with patches. She doesn't look at you the same way anymore. You try to reassure her that it was just the one time and you know it was a mistake. She wants so badly in her heart to believe what you say but actions speak louder than words. Moving past the transgression proves to be harder than you both thought. Walking on eggshells has become a painful norm. It makes you both wonder if all of the effort is worth it in the end. You both go on, living in the other's darkness, always together drifting farther and farther apart. Love conquers all after all. You both are under the impression that as long as there is love between you there is hope. You choose convenience over contentment and life goes on. You hide your disinterest in the depth of your hollow soul while she hides her brokenness deep in the part of her heart you will never go. You hide your hand and she does the same. Her arsenal of ammunition has grown overstocked over time. For the most part it stays quiet until one of you decides to break up the silence with a barrage of hurtful words that cut through the night sky like fireworks. You're both immune to the pain at this point. She's living in the consistency of your lies. There is no more fight in either one of you. Once the truth of infidelity breeches the surface and reaches the shore of emotion's ocean it's difficult to ever dive in so freely again and submerge yourself into the unknown of the others' true intentions. Decisions to mend the bridge or watch it burn the connection you once had with someone you've loved so hard for so long is a hard choice to make. Leaving everything you both invested your time and effort in is not always the right decision. Who needs security in the end? It's much more important for some people to live behind the facade that everything is just right. Happiness is overrated. Trust is not the foundation of everyone's relationship. Living with the truth is easy to do when you sleep back to back in bed with the same stranger every night. 

Pizza and Ranch

Sometimes I just want to sit and talk shit about all the people who I feel have hurt me or wronged me in some way but to someone who doesn't know any of them so that they'll agree with everything I have to say. Sometimes I just need validation even if I was wrong. I just want to be right! I'm not the only one. Fuck your life. This one is mine. I'm sick and tired of living sometimes. Like, what in the actual fuck is the point of any of this bullshit?? I'm done. I don't want to get up and try to look nice and go to a job where I feel like a nameless minion that hardly pays me enough for me to skim by every month. Most months I am borrowing money anyway. I drive a car I can't afford to maintain. I live in a shitty apt that is not worth the hundreds I throw away for it every month like clockwork. Fuck the 1st! I used to get my period on the 1st of the month and at some point my cycle changed but it was definitely bloody murder. Pun intended! Some change is good I suppose. Whooops, I apologize was that TMI for you hoes... fuck, my bad I didn't mean to call y'all that.. Um, actually U know what, that was exactly what I meant to say. Fuck it! No one reads this shit anyway. So, there you go. I am in a give no fucks type of way, having a fuck the world kind of day. I don't see black or white, no more, everything is grey. I'm in a maddening love with a man I can never get. It is the most hurtful thing to live knowing there is someone so amazing roaming around that I can't have. Especially since I already did. I'd rather be punched in the fucking gut than wake up with this emptiness in my chest every single fucking day. For fucks sake. I masturbate to his name with images of him going down on me.. Oh shit. My bad, TMI again. HAHAHAHA! Well, in your face (that's what she said), now you know all of my business! Big deal! See if anyone cares. Can't I just catch a break? I see all the assholes around me getting whatever the fuck they want but I'm stuck with fuck! What? What do you want from me? I am a wreck. How many times do I actually have to say it? I can't repair the damage in my soul. I'm a fuckin' black hole of pain. I know something is defective in my heart and my brain. And I've already said the F word too many times now to mention God. So we'll skip that lesson for today because it's obviously not working for me anyway. I've said it already that I'm a shitty person who can't take my own advice. So what? I don't even know why I try to strive for anything anymore. I have all these goals that I will accomplish eventually but I don't even want half that shit anymore. Again, what is the point? This redundant, repetitious, fictitious, repulsive existence is turning me into one resistant bitch. I don't even know what the fuck I even want anymore. I just don't have enough energy to even care. I work to make money to give it away to live "comfortably" and take care of my "responsibilities" as an adult because it's what I have to do as not to be shunned by the standards our society has placed on this life God gave me and I'm supposed to wake up and rejoice everyday and be happy because I'm alive to see another day and I have kids so that automatically makes me a role model so of course I can't just roll over and die and waste my "precious" life and I'm supposed to cherish the time I have because life is too short to live with regrets when I can sit here and tell all of you mother fuckers today that in the next 5-10 years I will still be here, letting loose all of my fuckt up jumble on this fucked up blog because frankly it's all I fuckin' got. Word. Have a wonderful fucking weekend! Thanks, I feel a little better now. xx

Meant to Never Be

He's the only one who can make me smile from miles away. I know I shouldn't read so much into the signs but I do anyway. I'm convinced we're soulmates. Doomed to spend a lifetime apart. It's a tale more tragic than that of Romeo and Juliet. No other person has ever affected me this way. I don't even have to see his face to imagine his smile. It's etched in the photographs of my memories now. I wish I could sleep nestled in the curve of his neck. I miss his scent. The way his perfect finger tips graze my soft skin. Feeling his strength pressed up against his chest, engulfed in his biceps. When something is as real as this it never fades. It won't ever die. From his end of the World all the way to heaven, I will be waiting. When my love for him is so vast no one else will ever compare. From my heart to his, the love will endure. I don't understand how it happened. I just know I can't deny my feelings. I have such an innate sense for him. He lives inside of my heart and he won't move out. I won't apologize for invading his head. We both ignore the eviction notices. We stay so far apart because what ever we share is just too strong for either one of us to resist. It's dangerous. We keep in touch in our dreams instead. It's much safer that way. I stay on his mind and he on mine. I won't ever vacate his heart. My instincts tell me that he's not done yet and neither am I. For now we stay connected through endless tracks, I call it the playlist of our lives. It's a beautiful reminder that I am his and he is mine. There is no amount of time, no measure of distance, and not another human being that can come between us. There is a fire that I kindled inside of his soul and he fans the flames to keep it alive. He makes sure I know how he feels with cryptic messages that only I can interpret. Sometimes the best things in life were meant to remain secret. Did you really think we would both just forget? No matter what happens from here on out, I know we have a part of each other's hearts. We exchanged them one night while we were making out in the dark. We may not ever be able to touch again but no one can change that we already did. It doesn't make a difference if we don't spend time together now because we thoroughly enjoyed the time we had. If we never speak again no one can change the things we've already said. For as long as we both live what ever we share is ours and no one else is privy to what belongs to us. He and I, meant to never be. Pissing on your fairy tale ending.      

Timing is everything

I hate this shit. For real. I just want to bust up the silence right quick. I want to be the noisiest cricket in this bitch. I want to suck face. I fucking hate missing you. I feel like I'm insane. It is absolute torture. I just want to be there. I want to make you smile and hear your laughter. I want to scroll through playlists and make fun of your taste. I want you to make me blush. I want to drink too much so we can take care of each other. I want to feel you laying next to me. Doing nothing with you was the best time of my life. Come back. Leave me alone. Here I go again, loving unicorns. I want to feed you. I want to scratch your scalp as you lay on my boobs. I just want to see you. Is it so wrong that I miss your face this much? I hate this more than anything else. You're right there, all I have to do is reach out but I know I'm not supposed to. According to who? I know this is not what you want. If we had it our way, we'd be together right now. Getting drunk! I hope you had a swell New Year punk. I was laid up with the flu, hugged up in a cold sweat with a pillow thinking of you. I guess I figured things would be different by now. Boy, how I was wrong. Ok, so I accept that I allowed you to break down my walls, steal my heart, break it and reject me. A first for me and hopefully the last. I see you, you big ol scaredy cat, keep holding back. I know you feel this shit too or else it wouldn't be so fkn strong. My instincts are calling you out. One day I will get what I want. Just watch. For now, I'm going to go along with acting like nothing ever happened and that everything is fine. I'll keep listening to your songs and you keep listening to mine. I'm stronger now and I found a few distractions that I actually like. So I'm going to see how long I can go before I disturb the peace. Let you build up your peace of mind before I come in and tear it down again. I want you to miss me for a minute. I love you with my small and large intestines. For now, Peace. I'm out. xx   

Still waiting for my T-shirt

One of a kind, never mine. Beautiful eyes, epic mind. Hands like velvet, lips like satin. Why did you have to go? We were just getting started. You chose flight over fight. I got a one way ticket to a deserted island. I still love you. It doesn't change a thing. You're still not mine. You're still gone. I'm a one woman show. Maybe if I would have slowed down, peeped the scene, or played my hand accordingly instead of pressing my foot on the gas, diving right in, or betting all in I'd still be in the race, still have a view, or still be in the game. Some days I think I can't take this. What would he do if I just burst in, grabbed his immaculate face and placed a fragile kiss on his delectable lips? Would he retreat? Would he reciprocate? Oh dreaded fate. How could you allow me to fuck up this badly? One more chance. I hit rewind in my head all of the time. What I would do for one more chance to call him mine. Take me back to the brewery. I would have sung karaoke and passed out on his couch. That night after the movies, I never would've taken him home with me, and even if it had still ended that way, I would've kept my clothes on. Take me back to Tuesday night and too many tequila shots, I would've put on his t-shirt and let him drive me home. I just miss your face. Your nose in my hair, your head on my pillow, your shoes next to my bed. Get out of my head. I don't want to do this anymore. This is ridiculous. I have never been this girl. I never have. I was just fine before you came along. I was stuck in my broken ways. I feel like I'm still waiting to see what happens next. I'm absolutely pathetic. The credits ran along time ago and now I'm just sitting in the dark, quiet theater alone. I can't seem to make any of my limbs move. I want to stay here and wait for you. What did you do? What have you done? What trickery, sorcery, voodoo have you done? Who have I become? I don't know this shell of a being staring at me in the mirror. Where is her confidence? Where is her inner she wolf? Where is the sexual deviant she has been for so long? They're all gone. They've abandoned her too. Now there is nothing left. She is but skin and bones. I'm sure everyone knows by now but I am telling you here and now that you completely fuckt up my head, you broke my heart, disrupted my fickle nature, and made my whole world stop. I am not used to rejection. Maybe that's what it is? I am not accustom to lingering after he calls it quits. I am usually the one running for the door. I am the one who leaves hearts shattered on the floor. This situation is obviously unique and frankly I am over trying to comprehend what you did to me. I'll never understand. I accept that. I have to learn to live with loving you from afar, singing along to the songs in your heart, crying into my hands and acting like everything is fine. You had no trouble making up your mind. You're just fine. You don't even miss me. You sleep like a baby at night. I'm over here looking like a damned fool, still waiting for my T-shirt.