Dominoes

It's sad the way you set yourself up, only to watch yourself fall. Then you have to force yourself back up. Brace for the impact. Force yourself to walk. Force yourself to go on. Will anything ever just come? Or will you always be forced to fight for what you want? You're constantly on the hunt with blanks in the gun. You aim, shoot, and miss every time. Over and over again like it's your life. You should be sorry for being so bad to yourself. Why do you stay so torn when you know the truth? You even know where to look for the answers to your questions but you just don't look. You always stay when you want to go and move when you should've stayed put. Impatient is a mood. You're of poor judgement and it almost always leads to poor decisions. Life goes on while you're stuck playing catch up. You always need extra credit on your homework. You can't ever just do shit right the first time. You're constantly scraping to make it to the ending. Aren't you so sick of spinning? You should be. Isn't is hard to keep moving when you're always dizzy? You have so much love to give but never get any. Seems like loving you takes up too much energy. It comes down to capacity. Will anyone ever be willing? Will anyone ever want to stay with you? Will anyone ever just love you? You keep making all the same mistakes and it's getting harder and harder to keep up with the pace. There is no one to blame but yourself and making changes is not your strong suit. Leaving the past in the past is the hardest test of time. You want him, and him, and him, and then none of them. You want the way he made you feel, not the feelings. You don't want to share what you had with someone else. You're selfish. Jealous. You meticulously set yourself up just to watch someone else come along and knock you down. When are you going to get tired of picking all of the pieces up? When are you going to realize that the person that treats you the worst is yourself? When will enough finally be enough? It's high time you put the dominoes on the shelf. 

Congrats!

It's so hard, not to fall back into this trap. Of all the names on the "Do Not Answer" list, his is the ONLY one I'd gladly pick up. I'd like to front like I'm strong enough to keep it moving but I know in my heart, that for him I'd take two steps back. I'd stop, pause, hit rewind a thousand times, if it meant more time with him. I always never realize how badly I miss him until he's in my IM's again. I couldn't help myself so I reached out. I said, "I graduated" and he said, "congrats". I told him I'd settle for a hug and he said yes. Here we fkn go again Linds. Not this one again. He left you for dead like dust on a shelf a long time ago. You said, you'd leave him in the past where he belongs. He's number one on the "NEVER SPEAK TO AGAIN" list, yet here we are again. What is it about this human that turns you into such a walking contradiction? What power did you give him? Why him? He's just a man. A very tall, handsome, sexy, intelligent, exquisite, accomplished, well-dressed, finessed, spectacular in bed, pristine specimen of a man. Pfttt. And??? And, now we're going to do the thing where we try and convince ourselves we can do better than him. So let the commencement of convincing begin. You may all have a seat. I am just going to keep my feet firmly planted on the ground this time around. Yes, I am curious to see if anything will come of this but I won't hold my breath. He is unattainable. I know this, but he also responded to my IM. If he hated me, or even disliked me a little bit, if he didn't want anything to do with me, if we weren't special to one another at some point, then why would he bother responding? Why would he want to coordinate a meeting just to hug me? Why wouldn't he just block me instead? I know he cares, whether he shows it or not. I know he still thinks I'm hot. Maybe I don't know what I'm doing. Maybe talking to him again is reckless. Maybe I'm going down a destructive path that will take me right back to lost. At this point, I am already so far gone. I guess I just don't give a f*ck! I guess I just want what I shouldn't want. That's always the theme of us. He's the forbidden fruit I should stay far away from. He's also the sweetest fruit I've ever had the pleasure of taking a bite of. It's just one hug. What could possibly go wrong? Congratulations!!! 

General Update 2019!!!!!!

Happy New Year!!!! Hehe. I GRADUATED Y'ALL!!!!! I AM A MASTER!!!!! =D So, yay for me. Before I get ahead of myself let me rewind a bit and take us back to the beginning of 2019, end of 2018. At the end of 2018 I thought I was losing it all. Stephen broke up with me, rent went up, I almost lost my job, I had to give up my race car, and things were just crappy. After January, everything happened so fast. It's crazy to think about what I've lost, what I've overcome, and what I've gained in these past few months. Stephen and I were still cool until we weren't. He chose a life with his bb moms (which is fine) but he made the decision to not be friends anymore. Diana and I are no longer friends. Dane is locked up until 2026 (unless he makes parole before then). Isaiah is in Houston now. :(  Mommy got a car! I got a brand new 2019 to go with my brand new 2019 Master's Degree!!! I get off paper next April!! After that I will be able to start my career and write more books. I will be able to move around. And hopefully God will put someone worthy of my heart in my path. I suppose everything has it's way of working out. I envisioned this time being different, celebrating it with different people. I thought I'd feel differently. Really, nothing has changed. I'm still grinding and hustlin for mine. I still have five mouths to feed. Rent to pay. Bills to manage. One thing that always remains constant is God. I give all the glory for my accomplishments, my trials, my triumphs, the lows, and the highs, and everything in between all to my heavenly Father above. God thank you so much for giving me a beautiful life. Thank you for my opportunities and experiences. Thank you for all of the people you have brought in and out of my life. I love them all. I pray the blessings continue to pour out over me, my children, my family, and everyone I love and care about. God bless us all. 

Happy 2019 y'all! There is no limit to greatness. I'm on mine. What are y'all doing? ;j 

I murdered him RIP 07-19

He had been showing signs that he was ill for quite some time. It had nothing to do with me but of course I'm the one to blame. If I knew things were going to turn out the way they did, I might have taken better care of him, of myself. Now he's dead. What have I done? I really loved him but our relationship was a toxic one. We were like an old married couple just going through the motions. He knew I wasn't happy with him anymore and I could feel the pull. I wasn't, I needed something new and he knew it. He tried to kill me on several occasions. We were on a dark and dangerous path. I felt like if I didn't kill him first he would kill me. So I acted. More like reacted. I still can't believe I actually went through with it. He was good to me in the beginning. He was reliable. He was sexy. He was my everything. What is it about love that allows feelings to fade? I know he loved me too. He still does. We haven't spoken since he left. I just thought we'd always be together. Now it's death did us part and we'll never get to share in the joys of one another ever ever again. He's just a hunk of junk, and I'm the one who pulled the trigger. 

RIP Phoenix 2007 - 2019 I will always love you, miss you, and remember the good times we had together, just you and I. 

Burritos have a short shelf life

Have I not lost enough of myself already? I gave the rest to you, handed me over like it didn't matter. I trusted you would take care of what was left. It wasn't much but it was all I had to give. Now, there is nothing left. I have been stripped down to my core. You've left my soul exposed. I'll never be able to repair the holes. I have to leave the reparations to God because I feel hopeless. What did it all mean if it all turned into nothing? What did we take away from one another if we're leaving without each other? Life still makes sense but it feels like something is missing. I've loved and I've lost. I've been used before. I've been left for someone else a few times. I never imagined your name would be at the top of that list of men who hurt me. If I feel this way without you, how do you feel without me? You're not the only one who was confused. The difference is you got to choose. I was left with the raw end of the deal. Left, to be alone, without you. The one truth I tried to ignore but knew would catch up soon enough. I never had 100% confidence we'd make it to our happy ending. I don't hate you. I hope you know that you taught me a lot in the span of our short love. Endings aren't always happy, they aren't always climactic, sometimes there is not even a significant sign that you've reached the end, it just is. The end.