Open your eyes

All I'll ever be to you is a deleted conversation. Temptation. A figment of your imagination. My heart hurts so damn bad right now because you just don't know what you mean to me and you never will. You evoke emotions in me that I've never felt. Why I care so much about you I will never know. You are nothing to me, you never were or would be. We were nothing. So what do you do when you see someone you love being trampled on? I have to sit back and watch a train wreck. You have never thought very highly of yourself have you? Why? Even now when I've tried to tell you how amazing you are you deny your own light. Why? It kills me to feel the sadness that emanates from within your spirit. I know the culprit and so do you but you just won't let go. I know why you stay, what is really important to you and what you focus your love on, that I can fully comprehend but I just can't agree with your decision to stay. You live in a toxicity that you've become immune to. It kills me as if I can feel your pain. You deserve so much better than what you've settled for but you refuse to swallow that pill. You won't ever become susceptible to the cure. You walk with your eyes to the ground instead of to the sky. You harbor resentment in your heart instead of pride. You hide your calloused heart from the world but I can see your soul. You're a perfect being created in his image yet you have let the serpent you share your bed with blind you from this fact. I knew it from 1st sight. You are more special to me than I could ever put into words and I will die with a pain in my heart because I already know what you will choose to decide. I plead with our Father to call you back to the light. You have such an immense, intense love awaiting your return. Come home. No matter what they will always be yours, you can't mask your heart from the innocent. Let go. Move forward. Free yourself from the serpent that is holding you back from living a full life. I beg you to accept your fate and recognize your worth. I love who you are. You stole my heart and now I can't get it back. Should you ever decide to leave the darkness and step into the light I will be waiting with open arms, hold you tight and never let you go because I know your worth.

Tequila shots and Tuesday nights

If I could go back to that Tuesday night I would've let you drive me home. I would've put on your shirt and kept it to remind me of you and tried not to argue with you. You wanted to take care of me but I just pushed you away. If I hadn't have vomited all over myself I would've let you get close but I was too drunk and disgusted with myself to listen to what you were trying to say. I was so completely embarrassed and mortified that I just wanted to get away from you and hide. I don't how I made it home but I slept on my bathroom floor that night. I know you were mad at me because I gambled with my life. The next day we were all hung over but you went out again anyway while I recovered from too many tequila shots on a Tuesday night. What happened next was certainly unexpected when you showed up wasted on my doorstep on Wednesday night. You're so adorable when you're drunk. You should not have been driving but you came over anyway. You threw up several times and slept on my bathroom floor that night. You said you didn't want me to be embarrassed or feel bad about making a fool of myself so you got wasted and threw up too but at least you made it to the loo. That is the sweetest and most disturbing thing anyone has ever done for me I want you to know. I got up and checked on you every hour until around 2 am when I finally got you into bed. I snuggled you and held you tight and we slept until it was time for work. We reluctantly got up and you left. I miss that stuff but as crazy as it is being totally irresponsible and getting wasted with you was the most fun I've had in the longest time. I wish I could go back to too many tequila shots that Tuesday night, take your shirt and let you drive. I'll never ever forget that crazy ass night when you were still mine.

Wishful Thinking

Hangin' on every word you say like if I let go I'ma fall on my face as if I forgot to tie my shoelace. Sinister images flash in my head of someone else in your bed, kissing your forehead and make me wish I were the victim of some heinous crime that ended in my bloodshed. I can't face the facts or put the pieces back like a detective who fell off the wagon into a bottle of Jack. Thoughts of you invade me like a Macy's day parade takes over the city and I can't escape the commotion no matter which direction I go in. Your face is like the searing sun that leaves me sunburned and blind because I can't turn my cheek when I see you passin' by. Your love is like venom in my bloodstream and no amount of anti-venom is going to help me survive your fatal bite and slowly I will die from the pain your poison has spread throughout my helpless veins. I've been living in a nightmare like a Freddy Kruger movie on replay that never plays all the way through to the ending leaving me winded because I can't catch my breath from the constant runnin'. I can't take much more of this but when will it end? I go to sleep every night with the hopes that when I wake everything will be alright then the next day my focus once again is tarnished with your presence. I get lost in the lyrics of the songs you sent me like I was blindfolded, spun around ten times and let loose in a labyrinth of haze. Why did you do and say and treat and kiss and touch and watch and stay and sleep and send and hold and want and be when all you bet on was to leave me? Now I'm sleepy like I took one too many and all I want is for you to say you like me so much and you can't wait to hold me again because it's what you really want but I know that's wishful thinking and I know I was dreaming because I just woke up.

Homicide

If I were ever to take your life it would most certainly be done by my own bare hands. I wouldn't use a gun or a knife. I wouldn't lace your vodka on the rocks with a deadly dosage of arsenic. I'd never leave the gas on in the house and leave you a note to light the scented candles. I wouldn't run you a bath then stand over you with the hair dryer plugged in and accidentally drop it in. I wouldn't run you down with my gassed up SUV or cut the brake lines in your sports car. I wouldn't slit your throat with a razor blade or strangle you to death with your own neck tie. I wouldn't push you off of a mountain top or drown you and leave your lifeless body in a body of water. I wouldn't set fire to our home while you were sleeping peacefully or blow up your car while you were taking a joy ride. I wouldn't hire a hit man or hit you with a cast iron frying pan while you weren't looking. I'd never dream of pushing you into a polar bear enclosure or knock you off the boat in shark infested waters. Before I ever straddled you in our very own bed and suffocated you with a pillow over your face, I'd kill you with my heart and love you to death. If my love were a drug, you'd become addicted, overdose and die then I'd get 25 to life for homicide.  

Troubled Tresses

She's always changing up her do. She has to have her hands in the mess. She hides behind her concealer concealing her blemished inner secrets hoping no one will see beyond her perfect foundation down to her cracked inner core. She can't keep her mind straight so she curls her troubled tresses. They fall flowing weightless past her shoulders riddled with heavy boulders. She applies and reapplies layers of shiny gloss to her pout as a distraction tactic from her venomous words. The prettier she looks on the outside the easier it is to hide the lies she bears inside her ragged heart. She runs her fingers seamlessly through her luscious locks like a river flowing over century smoothed rocks. Her skin looks like porcelain while her spirit is as delicate as a china doll. She's been here before so she puts on a pretty floral dress and twirls until she becomes as dizzied as her world is. Her stilted heels click on the floor as she sashays down the corridor and out the door chunkin' a deuce with her colorfully painted single filed fingernails behind her. Matching toes like camo wrapped in the straps of her wedges wearing so much flashy jewelry that she sends blinding beams like a prism in the window as she goes. She doesn't mind at all being noticed, being the room's main focus. It's ok to be admired from afar but as soon as someone makes an attempt to come close she's staring in her phone screen again because the truth is she really doesn't want to be seen, not up close. She is still hurt but her halo still glows. Her lashes are matted in at least 4 coats of mascara, lids lined in black, brown or blue to ensure her free-flowing tears are kept secure. She strategically applies shiny highlighter to her cheek bones because she knows it reflects the light on her face not revealing the darkness she's buried inside. Why the flawless façade? Nothing will ever change her on the inside despite the beauty she portrays on the outside. Ugliness creeps and crawls beneath her skin and no amount of make-up remover will remove it. She sweeps her troubled tresses from her dark eyes in hopes that no one will ever notice the mess she so carefully tries to hide. Can you see her? She's sitting right beside you behind her rosy lip-lined smile. Tell her she's beautiful once in a while.

Nothing has changed

Aside from the passing suns or blooming flowers in the mud, nothing has changed.
Aside from the length of my painted fingernails or curled hair, nothing has changed.
Aside from the temperature of the mid-summer air or the color of the grey blue sky, nothing has changed.
I miss you just the same.
I still get sad.
I think about you everyday.
Nothing has changed.
Aside from the shorter days and longer nights, nothing has changed.
Aside from the headlights at red stop lights or faceless strangers passing by, nothing has changed.
Aside from the shifting constellations in the night sky or hum of the singing crickets, nothing has changed.
I am angry with you.
I still don't understand why.
I am angrier with my heart and with my head.
Nothing has changed.
Aside from the daily distractions or my riveting responsibilities, nothing has changed.
Aside from the rolling memories that play like reruns in my mind or the flashbacks I have, nothing has changed.
Aside from the countless tracks playing in the background as the soundtrack of my life, nothing has changed.
You are not the same.
You are still gone.
You still think I'm done.
Nothing has changed.   

Author of my dreams

I woke up in the palm of your hand and walked along the cuticle of your fingernail until I came upon the edge. I dove off into the pool of your hazel iris and swam around until I found myself floatin on the inner tube of your pupil. I climbed your tiny bottom lashes like tree branches and walked over the bridge of your nose and climbed down to the valley in between your upper and lower lips. I was curious to explore the cave of your mouth and play about on your tongue but I walked along your jawline instead. I took a nap in the dip beneath your Adam's apple in between your clavicles. When I woke I strolled down your broad chest and jumped up and down like a trampoline on your smooth skin to the rhythm of your steady breath until I was out of mine. When I was spent, I lay belly down on your left side and listened to the boom of your heartbeat play a thunderous beat beneath my pinked cheek. Then I skipped along the path of your happy trail grazing the blades of your perfectly trimmed follicles with my fingertips down to the rim of your belly button. We played hide and seek until you missed me. Your body is the playground I never wish to leave as your voice narrates the novels in my dreams while I drift peacefully in my sleep. I never want to wake from you so just leave me alone in my slumber where I keep you all to myself and you keep me safe from the pain of the world. I need you to be happy when everything else is so plain. I get lost in your mind like a labyrinth of information I am forever unable to interpret. You are like a foreign language I can never translate. You are an exotic cuisine which I can't describe the taste of. Your thoughts are the clouds that I lay upon as I desperately attempt to decipher the formula of the potion I will need to make you fall in love with me. I miss playing hop-scotch behind your pristine eyelids inside your beautiful mind. Open the cover to another story now and turn the page so we can start anew. The first fairytale ended all too soon as I wasn't finished studying your cues. My dreams miss the author that is you.

Thanks for nothing!

You freed me this morning when you said to stop all of this. I asked, "All of what?" as if I didn't already know what you were referring to. I knew what was coming. You said you didn't understand my efforts. So after months it is finally finished. It came from your lips which is what I needed. I needed to see it on your face, in your eyes and hear it in your voice put into comprehendible words. Words I desperately needed to hear from you and only you. Really you didn't say anything, I did but you swiftly agreed with me which was enough to realize that I truly need to give you up. So I will. I want you to be happy. I want to be happy. I am sick of being so sad all the time. I don't want to miss you anymore, I don't want to want to see you all the time, talk to you, love you, think about you everyday, dream about you. It's exhausting and I don't have the stamina to keep up with my draining emotions any longer. So thank you for finally saying it and meaning it. It is what I needed. I already feel better. Of course I'm sad but it will pass. Now I see it for what it was; nothing. I will learn how to accept that and move on from what ever it was that we briefly shared. You will always be very special to me. I will still smile uncontrollably and possibly blush when I see you in passing. I won't forget things you did and said that made me feel like the only girl in the world. I will remember your kindness and how you make me laugh. I will smile when memories of you come into my mind and when random songs and things remind me of you. I won't ever stop listening to the music. I will respect you. I won't forget you. I will kiss my tattoo when I miss you. You left your mark on me and I have the scar to prove it. I will always have an immense love for you and I will always be here for you should you ever change your mind. You called me rare and I must say the same is true for you Mr. Sunshine. My sunshine, mi Peligro, LOML, KB and well you know the rest. I'll leave it at that and I know I'll still see you around. Take care and behave yourself but should you ever misbehave call me first. ;j jk. I love you. Good bye. Always yours, Trouble   

Position of Patience

The best advice I've ever gotten from anyone was to always be in a position of patience for what God has in store for me. Patience has never been my strong suit. I am the most impatient, impulsive person I know and I've openly admitted this before. I know it's a terrible trait to be so impatient but I blame it on my independence. When you learn not to lean on others and become self sufficient it becomes harder and harder to wait for anything that you can do/get for yourself. I don't like to wait for or on anything or anyone. Food, men, friends, rides, money. You name it, I've got to have what I want when I want it which is preferably right now. It's been something I've been working on for quite a long time. Perhaps it's time to change something because my formula obviously is not producing any effective results. Everyone I talk to and tell my problems to always seem to come to the same conclusion so maybe it's time to start listening? "Be Patient", "Have patience", "Good things come to those who wait", "Slow down". It's all the same advice. Advice I've heard but have never put to good use. I'm tired of always coming up short, making terrible decisions then immediately regretting them, missing the point, losing focus of what is important to me. I have asked God repeatedly to help me out but if I'm truly being honest I can say that they've been empty prayers. Have you ever prayed for something because it sounded good or right but in your heart it wasn't what you really wanted? Selfish prayers instead of selfless prayers. Like when you pray that your ex can be truly happy with their new special someone. Or praying for your favorite team to win the Superbowl. It sounds nice but it isn't coming from the right place in your heart or you aren't praying with hope that it will actually come to pass as a result of said prayer. They're just words in the air. No more empty prayers. I am going to sit still for a beat and see if that changes things for me because I am not happy when I thought I would be and rightfully should be. Life is pretty good at present. New car, new job at work which came with a hefty raise, working on debt, going back to school for my Master's, I've gotten my children back, going to the gym regularly and going back to life group and church. I have so many blessings to be grateful for. Something has got to be done and it's all on my shoulders. I am letting go of my fate, my future, my worries, my love life, my finances, my sadness, my health and giving it all to God because it's too much for me to bear anymore. The hardest part of being a Christian besides sharing Jesus' story with others is to have faith that God is completely in control of every aspect of your life and give up the control to him. Trust him with the life he created for you. I have no creative control on God's project for me. I am but a lump of un-sculpted clay ready to be molded into a beautiful work of art. Time is on my side if I relent and give in to God's divine plan for my life so that is exactly what I intend to do. No more chasing the sunrise. More enjoying the sunset.

Lost in my own heart

I didn't leave. You did.
You took the lantern with. Left me in complete darkness.
I'm still here. Wandering about in my empty heart.
I'm waiting for you to come back.
I sleep alone in cold sheets at night. The ones you left me in. 
You don't get cold do you? I do. Without you. 
You took the map on your way out. Now I'm lost in my own heart.
I'm still hurting. Did you know that?
I'm disappearing in the fog of your memories now.
Can you feel my tears fall? Do you hear me when I cry out for you?
I want so badly to let this sadness go.
I'm tethered to my despair like an anchor.
I want to come up for air from you but I can't move on.
You want nothing to do with what we created out of thin air. That hurts. 
You don't breathe anymore.  
I'm inhaling the exhaust you left behind.
I choke on the history between you and I.
Reliving the pain with every breath I take. 
I reread the beginning over and over again because I can't stand the ending.
You hurt me. Are you aware?
I still fiend for you. I can't deny the urge.
I can't find my way out of this love I feel for you.
Nothing else compares. No one has ever affected me this way before. 
My heart is a sinkhole.
You will never come back to rescue me.
You won't even send a search party.
It will be easier for you if I remain lost forever. Lost in my own heart.