Zzzz's

His nose left velvet trails along my silky, pale neck. His soft lips pecked tiny delicate kisses across my collar bone, over my shoulder, and down my back. His electric fingertips, trace over my tatts. I love the way his eyes pierce my soul while we're laying in this bed. His strong voice reverberates in my chest when he says my name. He touches me like I'm his and I let him believe it is. His lips put me in a trance. I love the way he lets me pull his bottom lip into my mouth and kiss him slow. He kisses me once, then twice, I'm on his lap by the third one, and after the fourth we're both ready to take it home. We let our tongues mingle and mimic one another. He takes my sleek pony tail through his fingers and wraps it around his fist. I kneel in front of him and he tugs my face up to his while I'm between his legs until his eyes meet mine. He tells me it's all mine and it makes me go harder, and longer. He tells me how much he loves the way it feels when I suck the life right out of him. I want more, and more until he has no more to give. I crawl up to his face, and nuzzle my nose in his neck. He squeezes me tight and kisses the top of my head. He smells divine, like I could just stay there and never move. We kiss until he's ready for round 2. I love the way he fits inside of me when I tug on his hips until he's deep in. He gets into his relentless rhythm and I let him take out all of his aggression. The progression is slow at first, then it builds fiercely until I can't take anymore. I explode around him and he kisses my cheek, my neck, and lastly my forehead. He sweeps the sweaty hair from my flushed face and kisses me gently and tells me how much he loves the way my lips taste. He takes me into his strong arms and holds me close. He says, "I know I'm not your man, but while you got this thing pushed up against me I am." I'm ok with that. I'm not lookin' for a commitment. I just enjoy his attention. When we're laying in bed together we belong together. What happens when we leave that safe shelter is whatever. I like the games we play. I like the back and forth. We have a good rapport. I like the way he talks to me and the things he says. He is honest. He's not confused about what he wants. He's not mine to keep but he sure does make me feel like he could be. He loves me good, then he let's me sleep. I won't trip and fall and get stuck in this dream but I wish I could live in the Zzzzzz's.  

xx 

K.O. 1st Round

Pain doesn't quite cover it. Confusion, doesn't fit. I understand what happened, I'm far from confused about it. Upset, nah, not really. Angry, no, but I should be. Shock! Closer yet, but still not quite the descriptive term I'd use to describe how I feel today. I keep hearing my own voice say, "What the hell just happened?", "What did he just do?" Did he really just make that move? For what? Why? Moving on with so many questions floating around inside is hard. Letting go of a love because it was only one sided sucks. All I can hope for is the best for both of us. I am slowly beginning to see the truth. You never loved me. You wanted to, that I can believe. You let fear come between us and you weren't strong enough to keep your shield up. Everything you said about the way you wanted to live was a lie. You said, "My feelings got the best of me". That was your "excuse"?? Well my friend, if you let your feelings get the best of you every time you want to get your **** wet, you may have a big problem. First with me, then with her, what makes you think you will ever be strong enough not to cheat on anyone? I'm not saying that's what you did because we were not together but still, what happened to your convictions? Where has God been when you were making these decisions. You also said, "What we did was dumb and foolish." Well, I guess I should say the same about ever speaking to you to begin with. I should've trusted my instincts. You're still married, and now you're just sleeping around. I understand though. I understand who she is to you and the history there. That, I get. Why you chose to pull me close is what I don't understand. Honestly, I'm not even surprised anymore. You've only been out 3 weeks and she's already managed to cloud your better judgment. If I were the type of person who says, "I told you so!", now would be the perfect time to say it. I knew you were going to change. When you wanted to separate the month before you got out was the biggest red flag. My dumb ass should've just stood my ground and left you out. Now, I'm convinced I was never meant to cross your path. We definitely forced it. Perhaps that's why you and I both had our doubts and always felt uneasy about everything. God Speed. You move in your direction, and I'll move in mine. I am going to dry up my tears, hold on tight to my precious memories of you, pick my head back up, and move forward at my own pace this time. I have to leave you behind. Once, and for all this time. You were never going to be mine. I never stood a chance against your past. I just wish we hadn't taken it this far to avoid the hurt. I guess we'll never ever know now what kind of life we could share. Take care.   

Always his Pawn, Never his Queen

I'm so broken over this. Is there a way to go into hiding without actually hiding? I'm finished fighting. Done trying. I'm raising the white flag. Get me off this front line. The blame is on me this time. Big surprise! Isn't it always my fault? I'm just a dumb idiot for believing a clown could be serious. Or perhaps I am the clown in this mess? I don't even know what to think anymore. In fact, I just need to stop thinking altogether from now on. Ignorance is bliss, count me in. or start drinking more?? Nah, continue praying more? Sure. It can't hurt. Pray for me? For my sanity. Pray that someone worthy of my broken heart will come along. Pray that I can keep my head on straight. Pray I don't lose my way again. Pray I can just get by, long enough in the hours of the day, not to hang my heavy head to cry. No more tears over that guy, over any of them. I'm so tired of being left in the cold. I don't want to witness one more man use me up, spit me out, and move around to the next, or the ex, or the girl with better tits, or the one with no kids. I believe I'm cursed. Or just used up. I have nothing left for anyone to want. All I have now is God. My faint, faded faith. I am dizzy. Light headed. Maybe because it's 6:38 am, and I haven't slept since Stephen told me he fucked his kid's Mom. Man, I'm super extra dumb. I really do fall in love with anyone. As long as they're tatted up, and fresh out the pen, ready and willing to tell me anything, just to get me in the sack and NEVER look back. That's my type? Right. Any more takers?? Just line up here, sign the non-disclosure that says, you can't stay here. Read the fine print also, it says no one is allowed to make me smile, or joyful, or happy long-term. It goes against my nature, to get anything better than fucked by a stranger. There is no point to any of this. He hurt me, so now I hurt him. I can't do it any better than to leave these words here for the world to see. You hurt me. I lose, The End. Shows over for now folks. I'll keep y'all posted for whenever I let the next tatted convict in.

When it's good-bye, not see ya later

She just writes, and writes, and writes. At this point I'm convinced I need to keep my mouth shut and only speak my thoughts with my words and my pen. Nothing I ever say is taken seriously anyway. When ever she writes, her mind takes flight. I get to escape the dark places. She lets the light shine when she writes. I wish I could just write, and write, and write all of the time. She lives to create. I love to express my feelings by nothing more than words on a page/screen. She knows they love her back. I know they will never leave me. Unless she loses her memory. Or her pinky. She removed her ring once again. She doesn't want to talk about him right now. I just want to write it all out. She could just write, and write, and write all night. I never feel alone when the words are on a roll. She loves the conversational pieces bouncing about in her cranium. It's a beautiful array of colorful words, like fishes in an aquarium. The words are mystical, magical creatures that when bred form treasures. Treasures beyond one's wildest imagination.They can tell you're trying to escape them. I know nothing will ever be the same between us. She knows he's gone for good now. Please don't come back here. I don't want to use anymore of my words on you. She doesn't deserve what you just put her through.You did change. Everything you ever said was all shorthand. I need a lover who will write me an entire sonnet. You did the worst to me. I hope you know it. Now she truly believes you used her. You lured me into your trap, then you snapped. You certainly got me back. She would never give you the last word though. I couldn't live with myself should that occur. Instead, she's just going to write, and write, and write. I'm going to let it all bleed out. She's tired of holding back. I'm tired of the back and forth. She's not waiting for anyone to open her door. You can keep all of that. You will never ever get me back. You can say that I lost you first. I can say you can't lose someone who was never yours. She gave herself to you. You took advantage of her heart. I should've been a little smarter, she admits that part. But she wanted you too. It doesn't matter anyhow. At least I was your first when you touched down. Unless of course you lied about that too. Who knows now? I guess it's time to put our chapter to a close. She just writes, and writes, and writes because she knows it's all she'll truly ever own. Writing has and always will be all I've ever known. These words are my one and only home. My true Love. You may have gone all 12 rounds with me, toe to toe, but I will always have the last word and that's the way my side of the story goes. You can keep your belt and your championship win; I will keep my pen.

Turtles in the pond

With the pain comes the flood. It washes down until the boundaries won't hold. Then it all explodes. The pain flows like the rain. All of my dreams leak out of my brain, right down the drain, forgotten, never to be dreamt again. Do I try to forget? How long til I forgive? It's not fair to endure pain like this. Not over and over and over again. Sometimes when I walk around, I feel invisible somehow. Am I even still breathing? I can't tell if this is real or if I'm dreaming. Someone wake me from this aching. I'm losing. I'm fading. I'm one trip wire away from never waking. I'm done with the dead issues. Let's address something different. I am not at war with anyone anymore. I have called a peace treaty with those who no longer care to see or speak to me. You've been left behind for a reason. I'm changing with the seasons. I don't want to reflect on the past and keep looking back. I'm done with that. Do what you will. Just don't expect me to wait around. I am too quick to just be still. Mine will come. In time. I have learned how to be the catalyst. I spark a flame, then disappear with the smoke. I'm like a kite with no string, flying aimlessly in the wind. I'm the mist in the morning that can't be captured by the sun. I just hope you had fun. Now, if you'll politely excuse me, I've got to run.

               -love hard or don't love-

Dying Alone

Through her tears, she stares out at the vast wilderness. 

She senses the end. 

As if it were written, it unfolds onto her lap.

Trapped, with nowhere to go. 

She has no one to turn to. 

She knows fear is just the enemy.

Please, forgive me.

But, I don't want to die alone. 

What I mean to me

Life is coming together all around me. I will follow suit and grow up too. I know I am not alone anymore. All you've ever cared about was my soul. All that is important to me is my relationship with the Lord. That is true Love. I had to learn the hard way. I put my love and trust in men and they let me down every single time. No more. I only trust your love God. There is no way your love is a fraud. I know because I feel it in my heart, through the Holy Spirit. You've left no room for doubt. You warm me up. You have taken my broken, empty heart and gently put the pieces back together. Then you filled it up with your love until it overflowed. Now I am happier than ever. I don't feel so lost anymore. You've waited patiently for me to learn to listen, I know now that I am loved by you. I am worthy of your love. You always find new ways to guide me back to my path when I begin to stray. I don't feel so sad anymore. I don't feel weighed down like I used to. You have allowed me to grow. You believed in my potential. You showed me understanding, forgiveness, and patience. You have allowed me to find my light again, and shine the brightest I've ever been. You have done nothing but encourage and support me. I have never felt so special, beautiful, or perfect in anyone else's eyes. I never knew I could be so in tune with you my Lord. I don't want to live one day of life without you anymore. You truly do mean everything to me. I am convinced you crafted me by hand especially to give your precious love to me. You've spilled your priceless blood for me. I want to be loved by you. I want to be cared for by you. I want to take the hand of Jesus and walk by his side until the end of time. I just want to be yours and I want for you to be mine. Nothing else matters to me anymore. You make me whole. I trust your will for my life moving forward. Only You know what lies ahead. I will rely on my faith. Trust. Love. Endure. I love you still and forevermore. 

Amen. Amen. Amen. 

Break down

Pain.
She's such an emotional soul.
Some matters of the heart she just can't let go. 
Her heart suffers for the pain of others.
She feels the wrongs of the World. 
It's no wonder why she cries. 
Love.
Such a slippery slope.
She's constantly crawling up, even when she's sliding down.
She pours it out, even when no one pours it in. 
She won't ever give up hope. 
She knows that when she gives up, everything will stop.
Will. 
She was born a fighter. 
She's stronger than anyone you've ever met.
Sometimes she loses sight of that.
She loses her way when her focus shifts.
She finds it increasingly difficult to free her mind.
Time.
Elusive butterfly. 
Fly by.
We only ever touch in passing.
Flashing lights capture smiles in moments we'll never get back.
Life is so precious but sometimes it takes tears to remind her of that. 
Life.