Envy

You never really hated me; it was just what you were taught. Given the opportunity to get to know one another, we may have actually gotten along. You based your ideas about who I was on someone else's words. You never once tried to figure me out or what I was about on your own terms. All you knew and believed about me were the things you were told. You never inquired about my role. My responsibilities. My feelings. You just based your opinion off of someone else's experiences. You didn't want to speak with me or get my side of things. You didn't ask my friends or family questions about my life or my past. You assumed what you wanted to in order to make your own story true. I never hated you, either. I never hated anyone. I hated evil actions. I hated deceit. I hated people hating me just because of what they would believe. I was truly hurt by many things, but I kept them to myself and didn't say anything. I never defended myself against the lies being told. I never tried to clear my name against the shame. I just kept being me and going along with what was necessary. I never swayed from my own truth. I never based my own opinions on some shit I heard from someone else. I always based my own opinions of people on the experiences I had with them myself. I am sad that you allowed the poison in the air to get into your head. We could've been friends. We could've at the very least had an understanding. You shouldn't have judged a stranger unless you knew their pain. You shouldn't have said the things you did without knowing the entire truth. You shouldn't have talked so much shit without walking in my shoes. You never hated me; you only hated me for what I had. The funny thing is once you made it yours, you were still sad. Envy is an emptiness that will never be done. It's a hole full of despair and loneliness. A hunger that is never won. 

Scary Places

It's quiet here, in this place I cannot bear. 

Imprisoned by four walls is all I've ever known. 

Always and forever prohibited from growth.

No place ever truly feeling like home. 

Sun dripping in like honey. 

Breeze sweeping in through the trees, past my knees. 

Kissing my hot cheeks, whispering at the sweat behind my neck. 

Playing, laughing, swimming around in daydreams like a child.

Thunderclouds, instead, inside of my head are knocking around. 

Never a path worth taking, so I'd stop short.

Divert. 

Never taking the fearful leap from the diving board. 

Clenching to the rope of eternal youth. 

I've landed in the cold, stagnant pool of never could. 

All because I never would. 

Say, "Yes." 

Say, "No." 

Just let go.  

Now I find myself here. 

In this scary place of, "What now?", and "How?". 

Where to go from here. 

It's good to know where you are. 

It's sad to be afraid of reaching too far. 

Facing the fear of failure. 

Always afraid to start or try because I am afraid of failing. 

Fearful of rejection. 

Not from any other human. 

Rejection from life. 

An ejection from my life purpose. 

A black hole. 

Worthless. 

Begging for more 6/28/24 & mostly 9/5/24 journal entry

There are times when life is a blur. Memories get slurred. Sitting in the embers of an unrecognizable life, seeing the very pieces of who I used to be float off into the sky. Still her. There are traces everywhere. She still has the black cat. She's outside under the Texas sky with a pen and a pad in hand. Her Js are muddy and cruddy but they're still sitting on the stairs beside her. She's listening to Portisehead watching the clouds roll by. There are hummingbirds singing next door and she remembers a simpler time. The years stack like sand. How many moments will we never remember? So much space and time have passed. It's all just the past. Nothing lasts. There is no right direction. There is no straight path. Every road eventually runs into another, then another, and they are all the same. There is not up, there is not down. No beginning. No end. It's all just space and time. They've lied. The days we count - the calendars and clocks are a mock. Yes, Satan - My 3rd eye is wide open. There is no stopping Jesus, now! We are in for a show. Just have to continue existing until then. I keep waiting for more, but this is all it will ever be. I wish to be obedient. I know the power of this pen. The words I speak can bring life or death. I asked for my calling. Maybe this is it. I'm going to start being honest in the open. Who will stop me? I'm stronger than I know. I never give myself credit. Why can't I believe in me? Why can't I see what they see? I have got to stop denying me. I have to embrace who I am and what I believe. I love Jesus. That's it. Turn a new leaf?? More like, Turn a new life! It's the turning point (RIP CK). Living in sin is like dying of cancer. It consumes you to death. The darkness will swallow your light, and you will die inside. Jesus, resurrect me?! Please!? I don't want to be dead while I'm still alive. Writing is all I've known. Writing is what I believe I'm good at. Writing knows me. It sees every part of my being. It's never judged. It's never shunned. It has never made me feel unwanted. I can be honest. I can always trust writing will be here. It never leaves me or abandons me anywhere. My powerful friend. Where to next? 

7/7/22

I can't remember where I've been and I don't know where I'm going. This life we live is cavernous, and I've grown exhausted from exploring. Every day is ups, downs, overs, and throughs, going and going, looking for some place new. Racing time trying to find a meaning that we already knew. Planting seeds that never grew. Chasing dreams never meant to come true. Falling in love with all the wrong fools. Wake up, attack the day to go to bed alone again. I'm tired of being sore. All there ever is, is bored. Life is a kill joy. A ploy of the wicked to take down the saints. Life tosses and churns you like ocean currents then turns around and spits you out as if you tasted like poison. Try and get up only to be pushed back down. Be strong, stand up only to be kicked and punched. I am done. When will this all just be another re-run? Do we really want another season? Can't we be content to let it be the end? 

Womanhood to Wifehood

I've been a woman my entire life, but I've never been a wife. A woman and a wife are one in the same but are not the same. I was never one of those little girls who spent her childhood daydreaming about becoming a wife or a mother. I went against the grain when it came to playing house and dolls. I wanted more. I was focused on career-oriented play like teacher, doctor, or Judge. I was into fast cars and travelling abroad. I was more interested in playing with the Hot wheels and Transformers than I was pink frilly things. Even at a young age I felt the overwhelming bogged-downess of being a wife or a mother. Being tied down has never suited me. I am a free, unclipped winged creature whose main goal is to stay flying high above the chaotic world below, living peacefully in my own realm. My life is and always has been a movie. I hear crescendos of on theme background music playing everywhere I go and with everything I do. I see flashbacks and flashforwards. I hear narrations in my head as situations play out. I even play several different characters in my movie. The Lindsey Story. I live it every day and every single day another adventure plays out in front of my eyes. It's quite the life. I love living in my own world. It's safe and peaceful in my bubble. I thank God every day for waking me up and for allowing me to take in the 1st light and take in my first breath of the day. I thank mom and Jesus for bringing me this far. I've had my fair share of tragedy and loss. The amount of death I've seen and experienced is on the heavier side than most people my age, in my opinion. I can't speak for anyone but myself. I've lost great grandparents, grandparents, my father, my God sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, and very close friends. I've been to too many funerals to count. They are many lost but never forgotten. I bring up the topic of death and loss because they are in direct correlation with my character and the woman I've grown to become. Death has shaped my life more than my life's experiences have. It is in a way a sad truth I have to accept about myself, but I do. Fully. This is why I feel it is easier for me to become detached than most. Not only all the deaths I've experienced, but also the fact that I am a Piscean, and we are not the same as everyone else. We do not think the same or perceive the world the same. I am just now beginning to accept that I am inherently different than everyone around me. I know in my heart, spirit, soul, mind, and body that I do not belong in this realm. I am of God, and I belong with him, wherever that may be. I am also unafraid. I have learned (in therapy) that fear is not real. Any obstacle can be overcome. Any challenge, as long as you face it, can be won. Every problem has a resolution or a solution. Hard times will come but they will also pass. We are strong and resilient beings, but the strength and force have to come from within. Other than God and Jesus, there is no other outside source of Power. At 39, I am still learning. I have never loved myself as much as I do, now. Not even ever as a child did I have this much love and care of myself. It wasn't taught. I had to learn through hating myself by the example of others to truly let go and love myself. Hate taught me love. Trials and trauma and heartache taught me strength and resilience. The World taught me how to live, and it almost killed me. Being happy in this world is tough but God gives me the strength to do it every day because now I ask him for help. God is always moving and working good in the world, but you still have to be part of his movement and move like Christ or your requests, prayers, hopes, and dreams will fall onto deaf ears. God works so we can be part of his plan and work right alongside him. He needs us as much as we need him, it all works together, as one cohesive piece. The church. I am the church; you are the church. All you need is the word of God and faith in your heart and you form the church. When I met my husband, I began to wonder about things that never crossed my mind before. I started to inquire about what it means to be a wife, biblically. I did research and went to bible studies. It began to make much more sense to me why marriage is important and all the things that come with it. I reflected on my past, on my past relationships, past behaviors and realized why I was depressed, lonely, miserable, and in deep self-loathing. When the possibility of becoming a wife became an actuality for me, I got overwhelmed and afraid because I didn't know if I could hack it. Wife material? Me? I could hear the crowd roar with laughter. My sentiments, exactly. But, as humans, we tend to forget that we are not in control, God is. His plans for all of us are beautiful but we block our own blessings by trying to continuously do things our own way. The moment I put my trust in God, started trusting my husband's intentions were good, and began to love myself and accept that I do deserve good things and to be happy, everything shifted. I was born a woman, born into the responsibilities of womanhood. I rejected my femininity and divine feminine instincts from a very early age. I wasn't confused about being a woman, I just didn't agree with the inherent responsibilities that come with being one. Periods. Pregnancies. PMS. Womanhood. Wifehood. Motherhood. The lot of it! I didn't want it. I wanted to throw the baby out with the bath water. Miss me with all these duties and responsibilities that come with being born with a vagina. That used to be my thoughts on being a woman. This is the reason I say a woman and wife aren't the same thing. Then again, a woman and a mother are two very different things too. Case in point. Me. I never imagined being a mother, let alone, becoming one 5 times over. I definitely never saw myself as a wife. It was hard enough seeing myself as a beautiful woman. I never gave myself enough credit or scaled myself to the caliber of a wifely woman. It took the right man, it took me to let go of my trauma, and it took me opening up my heart and life to God. This is the plan he had for me all along, which is why I feel safe now. I am happy. Healthy. Truly in tune with my wifehood. God placed people in my life who I hurt. He put me in situations that I admittedly messed up by not listening to him and making poor choices. I appreciate the turmoil because it is allowing me to appreciate the bliss. God set me up for success and I followed him right into a dream. I still haven't woken up from the safety of my bubble, and I don't plan to. Not until it's time to go home for good. To all the women out there, embrace your womanhood but please don't shy away from your wifehood. It is meant to change you into the butterfly God made you to be. We have to learn to fly to be free.   

The Difference between Right and Wrong 6/21/2024 journal entry

This is where I'm supposed to come when things don't feel right, right? You're supposed to be able to talk to your person about any and everything, but life is what we make it, I guess. If I can't say it at least I can write it. 38 and silent... is almost more frightening that 17 and pregnant. So many questions are begging. My mind is going so many miles a minute. Feels like I'm getting close to losing control and spinning. It was never even 100% from the beginning. Here we go again. The Fakebook saga begins again. Infiltrating and seeping in with its oozy-toxic mess. I hate it to death. It's like choosing from a cornucopia of poisonous drugs. Why do people feel such an intense urge to immerse themselves in outside influences and advice? It's a vice. The device. Satan's tool to pull the wool over our eyes. According to definitions from Oxford Languages, the word device can mean, "a plan, method, or trick with a particular aim." The entire reason these devices were created was "communication". Yet all they ever do is distract, deter, and detract from our lives and remove us from reality and our relationships. It takes a stronger person to not pick up their device these days. It's a sick addiction we all, as one humanity, are facing every day. Social media breeds insecurity, doubt, depression, little-to-no self-worth and unwarranted anxiety, amongst many other things. It promotes false ideas and weak morals and values. I hate that society drives us all like mad cattle with the allure of fancy devices and space-aged technology. No one safe. No one is exempt. Humans are the targets. Young, old, naive, or wise. No one can run, and no one can hide. Everyone is forced to live in and adopt the lies. Turning everyone's eyes from the device in their hands to our savior in the sky seems like an impossible task. What comes next? I'm not allowed to express my truth unless it's to strangers online. Nothing feels authentic or genuine. "I'll be fine." "No one cares." "How I feel about the shit you entertain yourself with is a direct disrespect or insult to me." Nope! Nothing really matters. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to respectfully ask the questions I want to know without causing conflict. Especially when it comes to the social media. At this point, the excuse will always be, "It's a business tool. It's for the business. I have to have it. It's a requirement." So, it's not even a discussion at this point. No matter how negatively it affects me, it's just something I have to accept and learn to live with. Fuck you, Fakebook! You'll never take me alive!!!! >.<

Butterfly Kisses

They come to us in the form of butterflies from which their realms are unknown.

They often come in the form of tiny, winged messengers to deliver messages of joy and feelings of home.

They flutter around us in times of triumph and also in times of tears.

They flutter around us like little reminders that our loved ones are still near.

I like to think that when I see the tiny creature flutter on by, it's a lost loved one dropping in to say, "Hi!". 

It blows my mind to think how far they must have travelled just to remind us it's ok to wear a smile.

It warms my heart to think about what it means to be missed when a beautiful butterfly flutters by to leave me with a tiny butterfly kiss.

Flutter high in the sky little yellow butterfly.

Flutter far and wide.

Flutter high in the sky little yellow butterfly. 

For a day will arrive when God calls us home to flutter side by side.

-To our loves, lost. In our loving thoughts and memories, always.- 

Back at it, again

Writing wasn't just a phase for me; it was the maze that led to the beginning of my journey. 6th grade poetry love was the catalyst to spark the plug that sent energy spiraling through to my fingertips. Then the pen injected ink into my bloodstream until I overdosed on words. Without you, my love, I'd have no true identity. I'd be just another fishy in the sea, swimming around aimlessly. You gave me, me. I fell so deeply in love with you that I never wanted to leave. I'd wake up to the rhythm of melodic words floating in my head every single day. I would ride roller coasters of recited emotions to sleep each night and dream of pushing fresh ink across the pad at daylight. Writing is in, and is me. You're the way I capture thoughts that are fleeting. Encapsulating moments and memories on pages within documented phrases. My chronicled life is the key to immortality. My legacy gets to live on forever because I meant it when I said I'd never stop. I could never walk away from my first true love. I am all in until the bitter sweet end. Until they pry the pen from my cold dead hand. You will always be my greatest friend. What a glorious way to say aloud just how proud I am to be a writer with a pen. 

Tuesday and So Slow

I'm cold and it's lonely and all I want is for you to hold me. You left when I asked but you should have stayed to console me. Now it's been days since I've seen you last and my heart is miserable and sad. I want to reach out to you but there is nothing to say and all I feel is shame; just makes me want you to stay away. Why did you leave me alone when you know we both have a hard time on our own? You used the excuse that I needed space when it seems to me that excuse went both ways. What happens when we get to this place? Why can't we ever stay on the same page? You say you want what's best for me. You say that you'd do anything. You know what I want but you just won't budge. What's best for me is You. If you'd do ANYTHING for me then make your move. I need to be rescued. Isn't that your favorite thing to do? I am confused by you. You say one thing but your choices show another. You say you want to be with me forever but you won't even start the timer. I know what you're going through but that is no excuse to put our lives on hold. God's plan is the only one that makes sense but you just keep trying to make changes to it. The truth is you have no real good reason or excuse not to want exactly what I do. If it's something you can't or won't say to me out loud, then maybe we should just chill out. I need to be with you, every day for the rest of my life. I want someday to be your wife. I want our kids to be happy and set them up for success. I want what's best for us all. You want what's best for yourself. I am having a very hard time right now. You wanted to give me space so I'm going to take as much as I think I need and I know this isn't just bothering me. Hopefully you'll figure it out and see for yourself that being apart is not where it's at. I can't force you to react but I can stay back. So take all the time and space you think you need. When you're ready to actually move forward with OUR lives, and turn what's mine into yours and what's yours into mine, you should know where to find me. I'll be in this sad and lonely place, right where you left me. All I want is to be yours, if only you'd let me. 

Fallen petals

Ruthless beginnings lead to tragic love failed endings. Every gambler's fate. Always running out of time to collect their winnings. There is not one safe place. Everything is out on the table. Everyone is being exposed through their fables. Fear has swept us all. The future is hard to call. Where to go from here? Up, up, and away or stay still and fade. No one enjoys feeling afraid. They don't choose to be left behind. However, when the train whistle blows, you've got to get up and go. You can't run and hide. In order to stay ahead of the pack, you've got to be quick to react. This does not mean attack. Patience and gentleness are something we lack. 

Stay Woke

Been feeling all outta sorts lately. Like I could do more maybe. Feeling like you aren't enough is always kinda rough. I find myself often questioning how I got here. Like the days of my life aren't real. When I couldn't have it, this life had so much appeal. Now it's mine and it doesn't seem real and most days I don't even know what I feel. How is it possible to feel happy but sadly? Like her loss was my win but did I really want it that badly? How is that supposed to make me feel content? I got what I got but did I earn it? It's crazy how we can want for things but the manner in which we obtain them can make a difference in how we feel when we finally get them. Like winning a race because the guy in first place trips and falls on his face. Yea, you still won, but that poor guy you left back there in the dust. You ain't even stop to help him up but you're up there claiming "your" Gold cup. Why are we so inclined to go after what is forbidden from us? Like being burned by the fire after being told, "Don't touch!". Why are the things we should steer clear from the same things that captivate and intrigue us so much? Like staring into the sun or down the barrel of a loaded gun. Why is bad so much fun? If you could have a conversation with Satan would you choose to do so or let the opportunity pass? What types of questions would you ask? I'd want to know what in the hell is his plan? Like, "Why you mad?". I would say to him, "You had your chance to spend time with your dad and instead you chose to be bad. I am not afraid of you and neither should anyone else be. You are literally nothing. Go back to where you came from and loosen your grip some. Let us make our own choices of where we want to spend eternity from now on." Satan has such a tight hold on the World's souls and for me it's getting old. People are so mad, mean, and angry these days. It makes no sense to me. How people can so easily be so mean and ugly. We are obviously all hurting. I propose that until the trumpets sound we all just need to chill out. Take a chill pill. Relax. Only listen to the facts. Think before you speak. Think before you react. Before you jump to mad, look at the entire situation at hand. Sometimes things don't always appear as they seem. Sometimes it takes a little digging. It's a well known fact that nobody likes an ass. Be kind. Unwind. Call your mom and thank her for giving you life. Be what you want to be. Do what you want to do. Your life wasn't created to be lived by others, your life was meant to be lived by you. 

P.S. I'm not fat!

So. I have so many things I'd love to say to your face but we both know that will never happen. Instead, I'll place them here because they are weighing heavy on my heart and I don't want to carry them around with me anymore. First of all, I know in my heart and holy spirit that Satan is after me and wants so badly for me to come at you the way my flesh is calling me to. Well, guess what? I love God and Jesus Christ and neither one of them want me to be mean or hateful to you. So I am trying everything in my power to trust God and listen to Jesus and not come at you BRO. I can't speak for you but I refuse to allow Satan to control my emotions and he's certainly not going to control or influence my actions or reactions. Now, that being said, this doesn't mean I can't say how I feel about you or the situation. And yes, some of it is very ugly but it's my truth and I won't pretend to feel any type of way when I truly don't. I whole heartedly believe in honesty and transparency but I also believe in humans and I know that as humans, we all fail and fall short sometimes. Just because I believe in God and Jesus doesn't make me perfect. I still get angry. I still want to fight. I still curse. I still make all kinds of dumb mistakes. I can absolutely still be mean and all of those things Christ calls us not to be. No one likes a mean person. From my personal experience though, I can 100% guarantee to you that acting out because you've been hurt by someone or something is not the right thing to do. It causes you to become this person that God has not called you to be and to whom Satan wants to be best buds with. It makes you treat the people around you and the people you love poorly, which in turn will only make you feel worse. You will make yourself ill treating others poorly ma'am. You will also single handedly push everyone you love and who love you out of your life for good. That's a promise. We as humans are generally good. We don't enjoy conflict. We don't like to be wrong or have our mistakes pointed out to us. We don't normally like to see others hurting or in pain. So, if that's the case, you need to sit down and really think about what it is you're trying to accomplish in your life going forward. You have the most beautiful family and the way you are acting out and treating them is going to cause you to lose them all. No one wants to be around someone who is always so negative and hurtful. From the beginning of all of this, I never intended to hurt you. Now from a scorned woman who has also been cheated on, I understand that you will never accept that statement to be true nor will you ever give me the benefit of believing it. But Honey, I didn't fall into Brandon's life, I was purposely placed there. Now this shit is about to get super real because this is the ONE and ONLY place I get to be super real without life's repercussions knocking at my back door. I can say everything I feel like my little heart needs to say to you and you probably won't ever see this. You need to grow the fuck up bro!!! Your kids are suffering more than you know. And if you do know then you're showing them you don't give a shit about their feelings. Everyone goes through tough things in life, some worse than others, and yes some people are stronger than others. Some people rely on God, others have found meditation or other outlets to help them cope. No one gets a free pass to neglect their kids or be an asshole to their loved ones. If you're having a hard time, then take a time out, and figure your shit out. Don't ever allow yourself to bring everyone down with your sinking ship. You are not entitled to a thing dear. You aren't owed anything, financial or otherwise. You were handed a Golden key on a silver fuckin platter to a life that was going to provide you everything you could have ever wanted or needed out of life. At some point you swallowed it, shit it out, and flushed it down the drain. Welp, sorry to hand it to you but I was left for dead in a sewer and it floated past me so I grabbed it, wiped it off, and God lead me straight to the life it was meant to unlock. You fucked up chick! You fucked up majorly and now the only ones you want to blame are everyone else and not yourself. This is not all your fault but a lot of it is and you aren't willing to be held accountable for your actions. You cheated on your husband with his best friend and then, to take it one step further, withheld that information from him for 10 whole ass years!!!!! bruh. And you paint me to be the bad guy!!???? Hahahahahaha. Ok. You're a liar, a manipulator, a cheater, and you were a horrible wife. Being a wife is a privilege, not an obligation. You are so selfish that you never once stopped to give God any glory for all of the bountiful blessings he laid at your feet woman. Don't even get me started on the way you've treated Ms. Angie for all of these years either. It's no wonder she's on the verge of losing her stomach. All of the separation, tension, and worry you've caused that wonderful woman over the years, it is a wonder she isn't dead. Who ever told you that treating people like shit and manipulating others to treat people like shit is ok really steered you in the wrong direction hunny. Ms. Angie never did anything but love her son, and you were just too jealous of their relationship so you created havoc to get her away from him. Why? What did she ever really do to you? Stop blaming everyone else for your demise. Stop being angry at things you no longer have any control over. Stop projecting for the entire Northern Hemisphere to see, that you are heart broken and running wild and give no fucks. When's the last time you prayed? When is the last time you did something for someone else without there being a consolation prize for yourself or bragging rights? When is the last time you hugged your kids? But like really hugged them.. The last time you made them dinner, made them laugh, tucked them in??? You are a neglectful person. You have neglected so many of your personal relationships that now you're realizing you don't have people in your life the way you initially thought. Where there was no line in the sand, you took the biggest, ugliest, meanest stick you could find (i.e. your big dick boyfriend) and drew one. No one was ever against you. No one ever tried to intentionally hurt or attack you. No one stole your husband or your life. You chewed them up and spit them out. Now you're trying to fake making it right which is only making it so much worse. You have every right to be fucked up about your divorce, losing your house, losing the only life you've ever known, losing your best friend but again, you have ZERO right to act out because of it all. YOU ARE AN ADULT!!! Act like one ffs. Instead of rolling over and just dying and shitting all over the people who love you most, and making a blooming fool of yourself, why not embrace this entire experience as an opportunity from God to hit reset on your life. You're not dead. Stop acting like it. If you're sad, YOU have to find a way to be happy with yourself. If you're depressed, YOU have to take action and the necessary steps to combat that depression. If/when you feel lonely, it is on YOU to find and be around people who bring you joy and make you laugh and forget about the trauma you're dealing with. You are responsible for YOU. Only you can be a mother to those precious angels. I can only be a mother figure to them but I will NEVER be able to take your place. You can still be friends with your ex-husband but you can't cross the invisible boundaries that now lay between you two. You have to learn how to respect his new way of life. Stop being so disrespectful to the one person who actually gives a crap about you dude. You had a chance to even be cool with me and because of your pain, it's gone. I will never give you a second chance to be an active part of my life. I have no urge to want to get to know you. To me, you will always be that crazy bitch who attacked me in the truck. I want nothing to do with you. The damage is extensive but it's getting worse and worse. You are crippling any resemblance of a chance that you have to still have a meaningful relationship with your ex. He screwed up and cheated on you. He lied to you. He kept his true feelings from you for too long. Now we are all here. If you don't think he's paying for all of those things by having to be witness to what you're doing to yourself, you are wrong. Do you really believe he gets any type of enjoyment out of seeing you hurting? If so, then you really never knew him at all. He didn't deserve anything you did. He was a good man to you for a very long time and you gave him up for some drunk dick. How could you? How can anyone treat someone who has been so loving, caring, and supportive, so poorly for so long? I just don't get it. I will never have any sympathy for you. Your choices and actions boggle the mind girl. Take it from someone who has been physically and emotionally abused, cheated on, lied to, even punched in the face by a man. What did he ever really do to you to make you act the way you're acting now? Cheat? Really. You can't sit here and spew this bullshit about him fucking you over when you did it first, covered it up, lied about it, changed your story however many times about it, and then never made any real attempts to not only apologize for it but amend it. If you broke something in your marriage hun, it was your responsibility to at least make an effort to make it right. What do you believe in your heart to be true Jessica? What do you want? Where do you see yourself in the next year? Talk to God. Grow up. Go to church. Go back to school and maybe finish this time. Make something of yourself so your children can be proud of you. Live YOUR OWN LIFE. He doesn't want you anymore. You did it to yourself. You can't blame him and you certainly can't blame me. You can toss that shit in the can. Find some positive influences and friends who care about you instead of running around town galivanting with women who are just as low or worse off than you are. Your life isn't over and Brandon nor your kids hate you. So what the fuck are you doing?? FOR REAL. STOP. YOU LOOK FUCKIN STUPID! 

The Real MVP

You are the love of my entire life. When the days get dark, you are my light. When I feel alone, you are right by my side. When sadness rears it's ugly head in, you always know how to make me happy again. You have the power to make me feel high without smoking a thing. You can get me drunk with just one wink. You have the ability to bring me back down to reality without crashing and burning. You keep me inside the lines but whenever I drift out of bounds, you're right there to steer me back onto solid ground. You're the only man I know who can keep me contently confined and yet you still let me fly free whenever I need to stretch my wings. You never hold things against me, even when you probably should. You always let me rant and rave, even when you wish I wouldn't. You dry my tears even if it means you get soaked. You help me clean up my messes even when you have some of your own. You have a way with me that saves me from myself. I crave you when you're not around to help. You chase away my fears and then make sure they stay out. You'd take any shift, day or night, just to guard my heart. You pressure wash my insecurities away to make me look sparkling and new. You show me off the way a man is supposed to. You take the brunt of all of my many moods and always stay calm even when you don't want to. I am lucky and beyond blessed to call myself "Yours". You are the treasure among all of the trash that I have been searching for. I never imagined, not even in my wildest dreams, that there would be a man like you who would want to keep someone like me. I always thought that I'd have to settle for the next best thing, just a carbon copy. Just when I thought that all hope was lost, God gave me you, the original Hoss. You are the King of my whole world. I give you all of me. You keep me smiling through it all and never let me see you frowning. I don't know how or why you love me but I do know you're the best there's ever been. I am in awe of you at every turn and at every end. When I feel invisible, I am the only one you see. Even though you usually play the referee in my games, I am giving you the title of the real MVP. 

I love you Brandon Lee! The love of my life and real MVP. I'm going to marry you someday. Pluto Papi Chulo 

Lindz 

Perfect

Perfect is not a word I'd use to describe very many things. I've never experienced that perfect friend, the perfect relationship, and certainly never have met a perfect man. Perfect is the word I'd use to describe a day of fun in the sun or a golden tan. I never imagined someone would come along and draw a clear line in the sand. You reached out over that line and gave me your hand. You pulled me across it and I haven't looked back since. You've introduced me to so many new places and things. You've given the word "Perfect" new meaning for me. I used to be blind to the possibilities of my life. I was broken and bound by sin and Satan had me in his tightest grip. I was slowly dying and my spirit was sinking with the ship. I was on a path leading me to certain death, going nowhere fast. You showed up one day and quickly changed all that. You brought the sound back to my deaf ears. You shed a light on my heart where it had been pitch black for many years. You dug deep within my dried up soul until you ruptured a spring and now once again my fountain flows. You deciphered my code, solved all of my unsolved mysteries, and re-wrote my entire history. In a world full of ugliness and hate, I am grateful you have become my fate. You came in and taught me not to quit. You've shown me, time and time again, that perfect does exist. 

GAME OVER

You give me no credit. 

You never have. 

You've never given me any credit for the woman that I am. 

You give me no credit for my positive traits.

You decided your fate.

You've never credited me for all the pain that you caused. 

You give me no credit for all the pain that I've succumb. 

It's always either You, or I, or both who are numb. 

You've never wanted to give me credit for anything I've done.

You give me no credit for my accomplishments in life.

You simply can't see the good in me and open up your eyes.

You've never wanted to believe it's true; that I could be good too. 

You give me no credit for the loving mother that I am to our brood.

You think you have time to fix what you've broken in them.

You've never taken the time to get to know any of them long enough to know what to do.

You give me no credit for knowing way more than you.

You are rude.

You've never taken any type of responsibility for the damages you've caused.

You give me no credit for not calling the laws. 

You ripped our family apart. 

You've never been able to take accountability for that.

You give me no credit for not being mean. 

You can't even admit that you fucked up.

You've never been able to man the fuck up.

You give me absolutely NO credit for putting up with YOU for all this time. 

You are finally, utterly, completely, truly dismissed from OUR lives. 

No time for last good-byes. 

You just used your very last life. 

Post Mortem

Ouch. Oooooh yea girl. Show them your pain. Let it pour out of you like acid rain. Yea, them words sting don't they? I've forgotten my hidden talent. I've seem to forgotten what I'm good at. So many of them would love to see you in pain so let them in. Is this what all of you wanted?? I'm still alone. Still single. I'm still sad about my dad. I still have 5 kids to raise on my own. Nothing has changed. I'm just grown. I'm still the same ol fuck up from before. Not like many of you can say something different. If any of you have made it big, I haven't seen or heard it yet. Why was it always a competition? Oh yea, because most of you wanted to be who my baby daddy was sticking his dick in. Right. Pardon my memory. I smoke alot of weed. Yep. Thats right. I'm still the same ol me. Bitch. What did you think?? I was gna be rich? Gna find me a nice Christian husband?? Get fake tits, and an ass, and lots of liposuction. Well I'm not you bitch. None of you putos would've survived this long in my place. That's why I'm still here. Writing out all my dirt for the world to see and hear. Still too numb to ever give a fuck. I'm not afraid of me. Yea maybe I don't like that bitch so much right now but you putos still come check her out. So she must be doing something right. Right?? Or else you look dumb as fuck. Checking up on old garbage can that's been taken out. Sorry to disappoint you all. There is nothing new to see here at all. I'm still the same ol lonely lump of pain after all these years. Still shedding tears. Still that bitch who makes us all sick. The hoe you love to hate because you know I could suck your man's dick. Hahaha. Sorry that one made me laugh. Only cus you trix know it's true. Guess you can turn hoes into housewives. Girl, I see you! But you can never turn a player into a punk. I'll never stop. You bitches know what's up. 

Wild animal rescue

I just wish it would all go away. The pain. I wish I could wash it away with warm water like a fresh blood stain. I'm in so much pain. It's gushing through my veins. I hate that I gave you so much power over me. I hate that I allow you to make me weak. I can't think. I can't eat. I just want to move on. I want to be done. I don't want to see you in my head so much. I don't want you to exist in my memories' Playlist either. I wish I could just make it all disappear. I wish you were never here. I wish it was all just one huge fucking nightmare. One big correctable mistake. I'm so afraid of what I'll build up just to lose next. I was strong in my solitude. I used to be content in my loneliness. I was oblivious in my sadness and tragedy. You took that away from me. You gave me false hope, false reason to believe. I can't believe I fell so fucking hard this time around. What is wrong with me? Always falling for a breeze. Here one minute, gone the next. When will it not be just about sex? When will I learn my lesson? When will it be enough with the self-destruction? I try and try and try to convince myself I love me. I try to be someone I'd want to meet. I try to make myself believe that I'm worthy of something. Anything. But it's all just a bullshit facade. I'm nothing. It's clear to me. It's the only thing I believe. I used to know that. I had accepted it after the last. Stephen was no fkn picnic to get over. Now I'm in more pain than ever. Of anyone I have to lose I never wanted it to be you. I tried to warn you from the start. It's not your fault. I didn't stop your advances. I risked my chances. I rolled the deiss. Now I've lost it all. I played when I should've paused. That's the story of my life. I'm just an "Oopsie" for you. And you're just another guy I foolishly fell in love with. Don't try and make it something that is isn't. None of this would've ever happened if I would've treated you different. I'm the one who should've said No. But I don't care enough about myself to know when to say No. I'm selfish. I'm trouble. I'm impatient. I need to be alone. I need to have hoes. I can't let myself get swept up in emotion. Not with one man. It's not my disposition. You've failed me and your mission. There was never anything about me you were fixing. I'm a venomous viper who struck you once. You fell victim to my venom as the poison coarsed your blood. You were in a toxic indused stuper. Hopefully I sucked out all of the poison before returning you safely to your own abuser. You're not welcome here in my lair. Stay where you belong, with the nicer, normal folk, away from the wild, rabid, venomous killers like me. I need closure. Stay in your own enclosure. It won't be like this forever. A few more months and you'll forget me all together.

SPF 30

It was the fkn sunburn dude. There were many things leading up to that point but that tipped the scale for me. Here are all of the things you don't know and I'm going to try my best to explain things I feel you have no understanding of. First of all I'm sorry. I deeply and sincerely apologize for many things. The first being that I didnt give you a hug. I'm sorry for how much pain this has caused us both. I have to be ugly and cold to you because it's my only defense mechanism against you. I have to shut it off. 1. She'll never take care of you the way I can. That bothers me more than you can understand. I can't really explain that one to you. That's one though. I've never been married. I've also never been with one person for 20+ years. I do know I can't stand around watching you beat a dead horse for the next ten years. If something in me thought I could, its gone and now I realize I can't. It's not my place to say if you two are broken beyond repair or not but I know you're not happy and neither is she. It's hard to watch from my perspective. Then again, What do I really know? That's 2 and a prelude to 3. Two being the fact that I don't want to be a third wheel to your relationship anymore or sit here alone trying to speculate whether you two are still into each other or not. 3. I don't really know you. Wait. Let me explain. How well can you really get to know someone without spending time with them? In the time we've spent compiled together, it's grains of sand compared to the beaches and oceans of time you have spent with her. I don't know you. She does. That hurts me. That's also 4. I find myself constantly comparing myself to her. I'm not her. I'll never have with you anything close to what you two share. So, let me catch you up so far. Pain, pain, pain, and more pain for Me. Let's move forward. 5. You're never around when I need or even just want you there. The convenience for you turned into me feeling very used and often neglected. When you walk out that door, my heart hurts. You have so much on your plate whereas I'm left with myself. My thoughts. I don't have a life to go back to. You leave me in mine, right in my loneliness everyday to wait for you to come back. Sounds alot like a little bitch puppy to me. Is that what I am to you? There's more. But let me get into the fkn sunburn. The trigger. The catalyst. You more than anyone should be able to understand our time is limited therefore precious. We don't like to muddy it up with anything but love and laughter and smiles and well let's face it the best sex ever. Especially Monday sex. I miss you when I don't see you so Mondays are especially important. Now, you also know I don't have a father or lots of family and you [I hope] understand how much that shit hurts me. I hate most holidays because of the lack of family I have. Again, pain. The shit with my pops, my bro, my cuz, my people in GA, the shit I go through with BbDd. You see it 1st hand. I know you do. You see how bad it fucks me up. So, from my point of view, this is what I see. You leave me and my kids to go have a weekend out with your wife and kids and family and friends for Mother's day. Did you ever consider for once how that makes me feel? You go out and get wasted as you put it. You obviously had a great time. You talk about your boat and your truck and this and that. All your cars, your toys, your chair. You always tell me about the very things Ill never be privy to. Ever. Then.. You get this nasty fucking sunburn. Which by the way [AND PAY ATTENTION HERE BECAUSE THIS WAS THE TRIGGER FOR OUR DEMISE RIGHT HERE. READY] if you were my man, I'd slather that shit on you like a baby. I'd never allow for that to happen to you in my presence because I care that much about your health, well being and comfort. PLUS, Hell-the-fuck-O Nigguh, how tf am I suppose to make sweet love to you when you're wincing in pain. Don't give me bullshit about it not hurting. Or any other dumbass excuse. Sunscreen is probably one of THE MOST important ingredients to a happy healthy life. Jesus. Ok. So are you at least beginning to understand a little bit now of how or why I could get so worked up literally over night? I wasn't even done yet. This is a pattern of Ick by now. Can you not see what this is doing to me? I can't keep up with the infractions so I have no choice but to throw in the towel. The fkn sunburn just made me realize how much you don't belong to me. How you don't let anyone care for you the way they should. And that hurts worst of all. Maybe you are the problem. Maybe she does try to love you right but you're just too damned stubborn to let her. Sound familiar? Yea. But this show has an ending so let's get to it. To continue 5, the sunburn and the stories just solidified how much I'm not part of your life. How easy it is for you to go live your life and dot me in when it's convenient for you. Have you ever thought of it like that? Thats how I see it now. It hurts. 6. She loves you. She fights for you. She works for you. She tries. It'd be different if she didn't. You don't hold her transgressions against her and thats a beautiful thing. But then it directly contradicts us. You'll never stop. And you'll never leave her. I'm tired. I'm in so much pain. I'm flooded in it. You can't be my only source of joy anymore. And I can't be the source of her insecurities, suspicions, or pain anymore. 7. My own pain is pulling me away from you. I know you love me in your own way. But we can both feel the pull when we're not putting it all in. It's become too much for me to compete with. If I'm not working toward being with you then what is it all for? We don't even talk like we used to because we shy away from sensitive topics that involve emotions. I'd never want to become someone you have to lie to or walk on eggshells for. The reason we could never have this conversation in person is because I melt in your eyes. I'd never get half of this crap out without becoming a puddle at your feet. You'd convince me there was another way. You'd try to hold me. You'd want to wipe my tears away. You'd call me on the bullshit that this is what I'm ok with. Of course this isn't what I want but it has to be this way. I have to be mean and cold and ugly. So you can go back to being content with how things were before we ever met. Look at it this way. 11 months is easier to erase than 20+ years. You and her are dreads, you and I were loose pigtails. My own feelings for you have grown beyond my control. 8. It bothers me now to think about someone else touching you, getting your time and attention and affection. I also feel like you're either already sleeping with someone else or want to. And I'm jealous and I can't take the attention you show to all those girls. I can't shake the fact that someday you'll replace me. All of these things bother me and they shouldn't. There's more but hopefully you get the jist. That's mostly it. My best bet is to fold. Walk away while I'm ahead. While we both are. It's the hardest thing which is how I know it's the right thing. When she leaves you, look me up. I still have a place for you. Please wear sunscreen now, SPF 30 and yes, reapply it. Get the spray. Non stick, sweat proof. If you take anything away from our love affair please let it be that you wear fkn sunscreen. Take care you. Pluto Puto.

Reflection

 

I've picked up and put down my phone at least a thousand times since the start of all of this. It's so easy for our words and actions to contradict our real feelings. You can say one thing but your eyes will tell me different. When it comes to you and I, we can talk a thousand times and still feel like things were still left unsaid. I suppose I'm waiting for a missed call or text that you won't ever make or send. One saying you love me and can't live without me, and that I'm your soulmate, and we'll be together forever no matter what happens. Some days I wish you would just throw all of your inhibitions to the wind, drop everything you've ever known to come explore and roam the unknown with me. Instead, I guess I need to stop living in that fantasy. I'm always looking for a new place to call home, finding myself lost, roaming alone. Just when I think I have stumbled upon what I'm looking for, I get shown the door. I know I don't belong in your life nor you in mine. I know I can't stay in your heart nor let you stay in mine. I know you could never give me what I want or need just the same as I'll never replace your family. I know I can't be the one to quench your thirst every time you need a drink and I can't depend on you when I need to breathe. The only word to describe you and me is, tragedy. It's a tragic story where our reality supersedes our wants and needs. Wrongs and rights make absolutely no sense when you and I agree but no one else is allowed to see. I am so fucking tired of hiding what's important to me. I hate not being able to tell you what I want to say because I'm afraid of what will or won't happen next. We're holding back and it's not fair for you or me. Why would you ever say you think you love me? Did you not think about how that might change things? Sometimes things are better left unsaid. You should've never let that thought out of the confines of your own head. It's one thing for me to fall in love with someone I know I can't have but it's another to be told he loves me back. Don't you see that nothing will ever come of this? I may as well be as good as dead to you and I don't hold enough weight in your life to change that fact. The damage has been done. You have my poison coursing through your blood. This isn't an easy situation to be undone but we can't exactly just go back to how things were before. I think it's selfish of you to say you need me in your life too. I have no purpose in your life. Why express your true feelings to me when in the grand scheme of things, they mean nothing. You're never going to leave your life behind and I'll never be good enough to make the cut. I can't sort through all of the emotions I've been running through, the pressure is too much. I'm not an idiot and neither are you. You can say whatever you feel like you need to but I'll always know the truth. We're both lying to each other, to ourselves. There is no us. Keep telling yourself that what we both want is not even a possibility. Maybe lying to yourself will make things easy. Whenever you wake up and look at your reflection in the mirror every morning, when you feel your heart pulling, when you want to see me, hear me, love me, touch me, be with me but you know you can't. I want you to know that I'm feeling exactly the same. What a tragic end to something that never even began. 

Pluto is too far anyway

I've been gone for so long now I don't know how to find my way back. Regrets don't always stay in the past. They say to learn from your mistakes and not make the same ones twice. I've learned from mine alright but I always pay a hefty fine. I've heard that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but this is not what I was taught. I've been desperately trying to find my way but it seems my way is lost. I took a wrong turn back there somewhere because I was distracted by his eyes. It only took a second before we met our demise. It all happened so fast, in the blinking of an eye, we spiraled out of control and died. Now the lives we knew we had are dead and gone. The next question I have is how to move on? I know I can't stay but the thought of leaving makes me ache. I'm already in love with you and I know it will prove to be troublesome for us all. Now I don't what to do. I'm stuck between me and you. Either way one of us will be hurt. I'm putting my money on me. So I reached out to the one person who I thought might be able to help. I was deeply in love with him once upon a time and he's been collecting dust on a shelf. He was once all I ever wanted, he was all I could think about. Though our time was short, I never lost hope for something more. It's been almost a year since I've seen him last. We went out last night and I thought I'd be fine. I knew going in that I still care deeply for him. As the night grew from young to old, I realized that the spark has long since gone out. But then again, there is still that glimmer of hope. I know the more time we spend together will positively stoke the fire. I figure I was hoping he could make me feel what I used to feel so I could stop focusing so  much on you and start focusing on someone else. That didn't go over so well. Now I see I have to distance myself. He's a welcome distraction but I'm already losing traction on this slippery slope. How do I keep myself from loving you? How do I stay away? How the fuck am I supposed to convince myself that I'm ok? I guess my only option now is to play my part and play it well. I have to say goodbye to you because this won't end well. You know it and so do I. I have no real chance to be in your life and I see that now. We will just have to come up with creative ways to keep each other out. I'm really good at ruining things and sucking life from what is good. Nothing in my head or heart will ever be understood. Stay away from me, I'm begging you. I know it's gonna suck but it's the right thing to do. I guess I just wish I could take it all back because I'm not strong enough to push you out yet. My one and only defense is to be mean and ugly to you. I don't want that to be true. I wish there was another way out of this fate. But the truth is, I will never be yours and you will never be mine. It's the same fucking situation I find myself in every time. This is what I get for not being careful with my own heart. It's not your fault. Don't beat yourself up. Just keep your distance and we should be fine. I'm nowhere near ok right now but I will be. I just need some time and more late nights with my unicorn. Should we ever change our minds though, I'll be busy drawing up a map to Pluto. We can meet there and live happily ever after. Just say the word and we can leave this world behind. I'd give anything to live the rest of my life in those blue eyes.